Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.
Hilda McScrunt, a 96-year old grandmother, has just been through six months of council-officiated Hell due her insidious crime of wedging a cardboard box between two recycling bins because it was too big to go through the slot.
Local council jobsworths teamed up with a squad of Wheelie Bin Stasi from the Renta-Moron security quango and pored over CCTV footage for days to identify her before accusing the hapless old bat of dumping 'controlled waste'.
Yep, ‘controlled waste’ – not depleted uranium – just a flattened cardboard box.
It was only when the issue finally came to court, and her lawyer advised her to opt for a jury trial, by twelve good men and true, that the idiotic local authority Gestapo officers suddenly dropped the case.
Granny McScrunt's problems began last October when she took the box from a new washing machine to the recycling point at a nearby Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket.
A few days later she received a letter from Cretindale Council demanding she contact it about 'a fly-tipping incident'. The next thing two environmental health officers – read ‘officious little jobsworths of very limited intelligence and even less in the way of formal education or diplomatic social intercourse skills’ - came banging on her front door.
“This Neandethal wiv bad dentistry an’ a load of acne starts gobbin’ off an' readin’ me the effin’ riot act an’ sez I had the right to remain silent but that anything I sez could be used against me in a court of law. So I sez, "What the fuck, Wally? It's only an effin’ cardboard box.”
“Then he sez the council had a CCTV video of me chucking it on the floor when that’s all bullshit cos I stuck it between two bins so it wouldn’t blow away.”
"Next thing he sez he wants me date of birth an’ national insurance an’ organ donor registration numbers an’ me bank details an’ that I’ve gotta sign this direct debit slip an’ a confession that I’m an ‘environmental vandal an’ I’m gonna get a £300 quid fine an’ a criminal record an’ what have yer as well.”
"This pair of twats acted as if I dumped a body at the recyclin’ place, not a cardboard box. Bleedin’ renta-thugs jobsworths –they’re just fast, cheap and out of control. This is bureaucracy gone raving effin’ bonkers since we got involved wiv this bunch of kunts in the Brussels EUSSR thingie.”
Jarvis Fuctifino, the official spokesman for Cretindale Council informed a reporter from the Imbecile’s Gazette that "Granny McScrunt declared in court that this was not commercial cardboard but the domestic waste packing from around her new washing machine. We then decided not to pursue the case any further as it would have cost us a lot of money and made us appear even more stupid than we normally are.”
“Further Granny McScrunt could have avoided all this unpleasantnes by simply being a good compliant ciitizen and paying the £300 fine.”
Hmmm, more’s to the point the entire fiasco could have been avoided by the moronic officious jobsworths from the councils renta-thug Gestapo employing two ounces of common sense.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the woods will it get recorded on council CCTV camera?
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