Monday, 3 May 2010

Bonkers Boris & Posh Dave Kissing Cousins

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The venerable genealogical website, in a recent posting, has injected some well-needed colour and humour into the arteries of this lackluster election campaign with a tongue-in-cheek piece entitled “The family history of the UK’s political party leaders” – and explores the antecedents of Posh Dave, Gordon No-Mates and Nick Clogg etc, et al - with some entertaining results.

The regal-blooded origins of Posh Dave Cameron were already fairly well established in the common eye from the arrogant manner in which he refers to working class peasants who don’t automatically doff their caps and tug their forelocks when encountering his esteemed presence.
To confirm this factor one columnist from the Oiks Gazette recently pointed out that Posh Dave and his missus – the very shaggable Sammy – are inbred 15th cousins twenty-six times removed, through their common descent from King James I - Dave via King William IV and some Whitechapel slag called Doris, and Samantha through King Charles II and Nell Gwyn’s younger sister Candida.

These assertions in the Oiks Gazette are the results of research by the Rockall-based celebrity genealogist Ulrika Scrunt whose studies into the murky mongrel bloodlines of politicians have revealed the curious inbred mutant cousin relationship of Posh Dave to none other than His Worstshitfullness, the Mayor of London - Bonkers Boris Nonsense – the thatch-bonced loony that Parliamentary speculators finger as the man to usurp Dave’s crown as Tory leader if he makes a total bollocks of things on May 6th.

When Bonkers Boris appeared on the family research television programme Which Tree Did You Fall Out Of? in 2008, one of the revelations that surfaced was Boris’s descent from a pedigree cross of the high-born Palatine aristocrat - Chlamydia, Baroness de Piffle von Nonsense of Minge and Count Otto van der Bonkers of the Upper Saxony Ferretsnuffers lineage (hence the Mayor’s full name - Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense).

Baroness Chlamydia herself was the illegitimate daughter of the Bavarian Princess Fellattia van der Gobble of Slutts and Prince Ghengis of Twattemberg - himself a great-great-grandson of Britain’s Mad King George III.
Thus since loopy King George III was also Dave’s great-grandfather x eight - three times removed, that makes Dave and Boris cousins.

Now the plot gets even more confusing and conspiratorally complex as Posh Dave’s direct male line ancestry was more prosaic, with Scallie McCameron, his great-great-great-grandfather, running a Highlands wind farm at Upper Muskovy, near Scumness, on the occasion of the 1849 Sporran census.

About the same time, Gordon No Mates Broon’s forebears were still painting themselves with woad, dressing in animal skins, and living in caves around the Scumness bog area.
According to the secret Downing Street prime ministerial family tree there was an isolated episode of hanky-panky or, as the porridge wogs so aptly term it, ‘Houghmagandy’, in the early 1850’s involving Farmer Broon’s teenage daughter Gorgonella and Ghengis McCameron – following which she eloped - writing to her sister – “I’m in love – it’s the real thing – and I adore being his three-hole whore.”

Since these factors came into the public domain recently, historians have had reason to comment that this was the last occasion on which a member of Gordon Broon’s clan had anything resembling fun before their sense of humour gene switched itself off and went into dormant mode.
Hence, so far as anthropologists can ascertain, Gordon’s sole ancestor of any distinction before that was Cro-Magnon, several millenniums earlier – hence the hereditary origins of Gordon’s stoop and facial features.

Then we come to Librarian-Dummercats Fuhrer Nick Clogg, who’s only claim to fame is the fact his Ukrainian-born great-great-aunt, Moura Budberg, a bisexual nymphomaniac Cossack who became known as the Russian Mata Hari and adopted the perverse habit of frequenting Turkish brothels disguised as a penguin.

Moura is reported to have shagged the brains out of Maxim Dorky, HG Wells, Lady Astor - and the rest of the Cliveden set – all together during a weekend sleep-over clusterfuck – and was a double-trouble agent spying for the Soviet Union, British Intelligence, the Chinese Zionists and a shadowy cabal of Alaskan-based Inuit Eskimo Freemasons bent on world domination.

Did you know Bonker’s Boris, Gordon No Mates and Posh Dave were all related? Would you trust Nick Clogg with running Downing St if he’s got bisexual, nymphomaniac double-agent genes? Do you have any blue blood in your veins? Do you contribute the odd pint to the Blood Bank? Are you on the transplant organ donor registry? Sign up today and you could get a 10% reduction in your council tax on our ‘Kidney Collateral’ scheme.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

No comments: