Thursday, 6 May 2010

Pirates in Hostile Take-Over Bid

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The autonomous and anarchy-ridden African nation of Somalia is today locked in a ‘do-or-die’ struggle to maintain it’s top rank rating as a ‘zero-stars’ world-class festering cesspit whose main tourist attractions are aimed at masochists, religious penitents and bonkers self-harmers – all bent on enjoying a vacation of Biblical scale suffering and all-round privation.

Somalia, a country that has never been fortunate enough to be blessed with a functioning government since the Dawn of Time – and quite possibly even before that – came to prominence in October of 1993 when their Habr Gidr rebel militias successfully kicked the shit out of the neo-colonial US aggressors in the ‘First Battle of Mogadishu’ which levelled most of the capital city and caused an estimated £25 quid’s worth of damage.

However the Habr Gidr rebels defended their military actions, stating the US forces were denying them the right to self-determination - via the historically tried and tested routes of civil war and a healthy spot of ethnic cleansing – all inspired and fuelled by that most common human nature trait – greed.

Since winning the prestigious United Nations ‘Biggest Shithole on Earth’ award in 2009, Somalia has been harassed by so much competition for the title from surrounding dumps such as Sudan and Ethiopia – and now faces losing the hard-earned honourific altogether due the efforts of a home-grown radical Islamic rebel militia hell-bent on enforcing an unwelcome regime of law and order across the entire country.

The Somali insurgent group Hizbul Islam this morning threw the entire national economy into disarray when they seized the pirate haven of Port Pugwash without a shot being fired and have further pledged to rid the entire coastal region of generalised scallies and buccaneering brigands under the strict statutes of Sharia Law.

Conversely, with conviction for piracy and theft alike carrying a mandatory Sharia law sentence of having the right hand chopped off at the wrist, this punishment might just appeal to certain perverse buccaneering elements of their society who may well covet a genuine Black Jack Sparrow pirate look and get themsleves kitted out with a hooked hand.

Port Pugwash, Ely, Haradhere - and Hobyo further up the Poundland coast - are the main bases for piracy - an industry that has flourished in the absence of strong government and any rule of law in the Horn of Africa nation since the passing of Empire’s day.

Pirate crews operating out of Somalia have made what marine insurance underwriters and banksters alike term as ‘lots and lots of money’ – possibly enough to pay off the Greek national debt – with change - by hijacking merchant vessels then sailing them into their coastal havens and demanding ransoms.

Julius O’Dinga Chuckabutty, a former meercat strangler who now leads the Hizbul Islam forces, informed one reporter from the Jolly Roger Gazette that "Our Mujahideen fighters are in control of Port Pugwash now and will spread up and down the coastline to eradicate piracy, goat buggery and generalised scallyism.”

Conversely, the pirates who fled the area this morning informed Fux News that Hizbul Islam had sent agents to Port Pugwash a few days previously, demanding a slice of the action but the pirates refused to divvy up their business interests – hence the strong-arm military take-over.

The pirates who escaped their buccaneering stronghold earlier today, fled north up the coast towards Djibouti in convoys of power boats, luxury cars and Winnebago mobile homes - all loaded down with high maintenance whores, 90 inch plasma screen televisions and thousands of cam-copy ‘Blackhawk Down’ DVD’s – allegedly downloaded from Pirate Bay.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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