Sunday, 2 May 2010

Teenage Mum Claims UK Prisons a ‘Doddle’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

A mother who served a prison term because her son was a chronic school skipper who suffers from CGaFF Syndrome (Couldn’t Give a Flying Fuck) informed a reporter from the Jailbirds Gazette that she’s "very bitter" about her sentence but the girls-only rug munching penitentiary was like a holiday camp – with plenty of premium quality Moroccan biftas, 85% proof home-brew and 24/7 lesbian sex available.

The 19-year old Rita Scrunt was sentenced to serve three months at Muffer’s Dyke Women’s Prison in the stark wilderness of the Slutshire Dales after the presiding Justices at Scumdale Magistrates Court found her guilty of permitting her 7-year old son Thugsy play truant from the town’s Asbo Community Central Junior School for two terms.

Ms Scrunt from Scallies Avenue in Twattersley, claimed her sentence was too harsh as she was unable to control the firebrand Thugsy – even when armed with her baseball bat and a carving knife - and the failure to ensure the regular school attendance of her son fell on social workers who should have taken the budding hellion into care as soon as he was weaned off milk and started slugging back vodka and meths chasers in kindergarten.

"I really wanted Thugsy ter get an education like an’ have GCSE’s an’ all that good shit but all he wants is ter go round wiv his mates nickin’ mountain bikes or lyin’ on the sofa watchin’ the telly an’ eatin’ bananas an’ peanuts.”
Scrunt claimed previous attempts to agree on an alternative education scheme for Thugsy had failed due her rhubarb addiction and she was unable to cope at the time she was incarcerated.

Ms Hilda Muffrot of the Social Service CAFCASS unit gave evidence in court and reported that Thugsy regularly escaped the clutches of educational welfare officers by using his primate talents to climb trees and swing from branch to branch, while pissing and shitting on the truancy marshals below.

“Really, we could have got young Rita off with a warning but her calling the magistrates a bunch of dog wankers didn’t do anything to help matters or foster leniency – especially when Thugsy leaped out of the courtroom window and hung upside-down in an adjacent tree – jacking off and giving everyone the finger.”

However Ms Scrunt herself was unrepentant concerning any and all aspects of Thugsy’s truancy and her incarceration.

“Bollocks ter the little twat – I hope he gets fostered out ter a bunch of Somali pirates. I don’t know who his effin’ father is anyways cos it woz dark when he got made an’ we woz all pissed an’ stoned outa our effin’ heads an’ I woz totally wasted an’ havin’ a whoppin’ great clusterfuck at the safari park. His Dad could be one of the park’s monkeys or a yobster or a hoodie or a chav – or one of the pervin’ plastic plods wot arrested us all.”

"Anyways these jobsworth magistrate twats wot sent me down have just wasted their time cos it's not taught me sweet fuck all by punishing me and sending me there, an’ Muffer’s Dyke woz just like a holiday camp.”

“I got slammed up an’ woz sharin’ a cell wiv this beltin’ chick called Sister Fellattia wot woz a nympho’ nun doin’ time – 5 years - fer gammin’ the choirboys at St Sodom’s Church. All the other slappers an’ whores used ter call her the Paedo’ Penguin.”

However Ms Scrunt’s three month sentence eventually totalled 'six' - with loss of time off for good behaviour and added ‘punishment days’ due her involvement in two separate cat fights.
The first in the prison kitchen over whose turn it was to operate the cormorant peeler – and the second with the feared Amazon Annie, leader of the Yobettes Gang, while harvesting vegetables in the prison’s kitchen garden - over the possession of a twelve inch Godemiche variety cucumber.

Conversely Muffer’s Dyke Prison Governor Ms. Sapphie Dildodo told one reporter from the Strapon Review "Prison is anything but soft and it is wrong to suggest otherwise – but I’m pleased to hear that Rita enjoyed her little sojourn with us.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a juvenile bear refuses to attend school and spends it’s days shitting in the woods should it be sent to a safari park?

No comments: