Thursday, 13 May 2010

Twattenborough – Pole to Pole - via Crakow

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sir David Twattenborough has realised a life-long ambition and reached the North Pole on a re-routed Virgin Trains excursion from London to Edinburgh – via Spitzbergen - due line works being undertaken by operator Rattle Track to clear atmospheric-borne volcanic dust from the rails deposited by the erupting Mount Whatafuckup in Iceland.

The 126-year old naturalist broadcaster is filming in the Arctic Circle for Flooded Planet, a Scaremonger Channel series due to air sometime in the distant future when the current ‘Maunder Minimum’ mini-Ice Age has frozen the bollocks off everything with a pair, and global warming actually gets round to ‘melting’ something.

Sir David also visited the South Pole for the series last year and shook hands with entire flocks of curious penguins, announced it was a "huge privilege" to reach both Poles and find no-one there – especially not a bunch of ‘Polish Poles’ as half of Cracow was now living in his neighbourhood back in the UK.

According to Sir David, no-one can get a job with the local council or at the Pestco supermarket anymore unless they are Eastern European – or an Albanian pikey - and prepared to work for loyalty discount vouchers and a mixed bucket of poached carp and roast swan per week.

Fellattia van der Gammer, the official spokeswoman for the Scaremonger Channel, told reporters from the gutter press that the seventy-five part series is the "ultimate in polar expeditions to the last areas of great wilderness on the planet – the North and South Poles - and not the DEFRA-devastated farmlands of Britain.

Speaking while munching on ‘Big Flipper’ seal burgers at a McD’s Chew n Spew fast food outlet in the Nogson Archipelago, 25 miles from the North Pole, Sir David, chatting with an Eskimo reporter from the Igloo Gazette, opined philosophically that "It’s quite astonishing really. The Poles - North and South - look very similar – both covered in ice and snow and as cold as all buggery. Really, it makes you wonder just when this global warming things actually going to start.”

“However when you visit them within a few months of one another, as I just have, then you start to realise how profoundly different they are as the South one has lots of penguins to play with and the North one has these cuddly white bears that eat our cameramen.”

Twattenborough, going off on one of his regular tangents, related that a century ago that nobody had ever set foot on the Poles but times had changed and now we had Poles setting foot and squatting – and stealing our jobs – from one end of Britain to the other.

"Really, a hundred years ago the North and South Poles were just about the most inaccessible places on Earth – just like the UK is at the moment with the grounding of all air flights due the Icelandic volcano ash cloud."

Have you ever visited the North Pole? How about the one down south? How about a ‘Pole’ dancing bar – with genuine Warsaw tottie showing it all off?

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange scam declaration: No glaciers, large or small icicles, tundra, moose, walrus, seal or penguin were damaged or harmed while posting this message. However, a large number of snowflakes were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy - or Arctic squirrel.

Thought for the day: If a polar bear shits all over what’s left of the icecap will it make a bugger of Sir David's programme?

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