Wednesday, 24 September 2008

LHC Quarked up after Wrong Sort of Big Bang

Earlier this month the scientific world’s bespectacled anorak gang, aka the Mensa Morons, with more degrees than a thermometer and less common sense than a business of lemmings, posed for media cameramen while quaffing firkins of champagne and grinning like Cheshire cats.

The most powerful atom smasher to be built since the destruction and sinking of Atlantis had just been switched on to global acclaim and the anoraks were ready to begin experiments that could unlock many of the enduring mysteries of the Universe: beginning with such enigmatic conundrums as to why the chicken crossed the road, how long is a piece of string, who really killed Cock Robin and why UK council tax is so fucking high.

Collective optimism often being a harbinger of Doom, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) created the wrong sort of big bang last weekend, causing a fault so serious that CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, announced last night that the particle accelerator would have to be shut down until a team of CORGI-registered plumbers could expedite repairs.

CERN director-general Ms. Candida Twatrot (NVQ 1 Particle Physics) informed reporters at last night’s press conference “It’s probably our own fault for employing the blokes from Scrapheap Challenge to help out with the LHC’s last minute assembly glitches and buying second-hand superconducting magnets from a car boot sale in Croydon.”

Preliminary investigations into the incident, in which huge quantities of helium and Bird’s premium custard leaked from the LHC’s cooling matrix, have further attributed the system failures to sub-standard copper piping supplied by B & Q and hiring unsupervised Albanian and Polish plumbers on a daily cash in hand basis.

Ronnie Pickersgill, a former Scunthorpe wheelbarrow mechanic now acting as CERN’s head of Advanced Guesswork division, advised media reporters that beams of protons travelling around the collider’s 17-mile (27km) circumference ring at 99.9999991 per cent of the speed of light had caused the main helium / custard cooling matrix to overheat, resulting in coolant leaks and the failure of a ten kilometer stretch of superconducter magnets.

Pickersgill further elaborated “In my opinion the protons are going far too fuckin' fast for safe operations. People tend to forget the LHC’s main ring is constructed out of half inch MDF, not the specified laminated titanium alloys as they were too expensive, so protons whizzing around inside at 185,362 miles per second have a tendency to knock the shit out of it.”
“When the helium / custard cooling system reservoirs ran dry, the MDF caught fire and what we scientific types call a ‘massive quench’ occurred”, Pickersgill explained.

When asked by the puzzled media to put the term ‘massive quench’ into everyday layman’s language he replied “A right major fuck-up.”

Monday, 22 September 2008

UN Official Calls for Promotion of Buggery

At the United Nations Population Control Conference in Istanbul last week the Saudi Arabian-born executive director of the UN Population Fund, Ms. Thoraya Obaid, called for more funding for the propagation of Third World population control and the ‘de-stigmatizing’ of sodomy.

The anal-obsessed Ms. Obaid began her remarks by commemorating the 40th anniversary of Ronnie Turdprodder’s book, ‘Take it Like a Man’, which had awakened readers worldwide to the threat of overpopulation and doubly appeased the Vatican hierarchy regarding contraception issues by promoting the practice of sodomy as the surest method of birth control, of which Catholic priests had been fully cognisant for centuries. (Anyone ever seen a pregnant choirboy?)

While she admitted the book’s prediction of the collapse of the condom industry had not come to pass, she emphasised the fact that most Third World males had no conception (a pun?)) of condom mechanics and should resort to anal copulation with their wives, girl-friends or mistresses (whoever) to eliminate the prospect of pregnancies.

Ms. Obaid cited the ‘Asian Tiger Economy’ miracle of the late1980’s in which a boom in economic development had followed a drop in regional childbirths due many Oriental women consenting to take it up the arse as their contribution to the UN’s ‘Sphincter Stretchers’ planned parenthood campaign.

That statistics for the increase of cases of chronic constipation and haemorrhoids among adult females had swerved off the charts following the adoption of this bum shagging policy was termed an acceptable (albeit pain in the arse) consequence due the vital success of the campaign.
A bout of raucous laughter echoed across the conference hall when a Turkish heckler commented that Ms. Obaid’s inadvertent reference to her ‘target’ for population control was the female brown eye, which propagated a steam of bawdy responses and ajoinders, including several homophobic references to ‘shit clackers’, ‘fudge burglars’ and ‘goat-bonkers’.

Perhaps most controversial in the conference’s record was Obaid’s claim that the UN and global religious institutions must fight even harder against stigma and discrimination concerning this method of population control and included men having sex with men, and certain animal groups, such as prettygoats and sensual sheep, among marginalized groups needing special protection.

Ms.Thoraya Obaid, formerly Mr. Ahmed Obaid prior to his / her transgender surgery, is the first Saudi Arabian to head a United Nations agency and has long been an outspoken supporter of full-on anal sex as a planned parenthood alternative to traditional methods of contraception or abortion.

Going on record last year during a guest appearance on the Oprah Shitney show, Obaid candidly confided to her host that while she adored being a three hole slut in a private trois et menage, nothing could beat a good old fashioned, Saudi-style ass-banging.

Eldest daughter of wealthy Saudi Arabian pharmaceuticals tycoon, Sheik Well Before Using, Obaid’s previous positions at the UN have included the Armenian cross-legged missionary, the Lybian full doggy, the Syrian half-doggy, and the Rangoon rectum rauncher.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Millions Expected to Attend BNP Protest Rally

BNP (British Nutcase Party) activists are due to rally in Stoke-on-Trent to protest the conviction and sentencing of an Asian man who killed a party member.

Habib White, (Asian / brown-skinned), was sentenced to 250 hours of community service and bound over to keep the peace after he was found guilty of the manslaughter of BNP activist Keith Brown (British / white-skinned / red-necked and honourary member of the US-based KKKK / Ku-Ku Klunts Klan).

The BNP, which has several rickety seats on Stoke-on-Trent City Council, believe White should have been convicted of murder and be executed according to BNP law : by having a firkin of bulimic leeches funnelled up his rectum.

White, 50, was convicted in May of the manslaughter of the 52-year-old Brown, whom he stabbed with a militarised Chinese spring roll in July 2007.

In what has become known as the 'Rainbow Trial' Stafford Crown Court heard how the two men had been involved in a long-running dispute over land.
The dispute started when White put in a planning application to build a multi-storey halal abattoir on his land several years before.
Brown objected and when permission was granted, he took steps to obstruct construction by erecting a series of six foot burning timber crucifixes in the driveway.

White told the court that living next door to Brown had been 'hell' with a capital 'H' and his family had been subjected to "racial hostility" by his neighbours, with regular Spam attacks being carried out : specifically half-eaten Spam sandwiches shoved through their letter box..

The court heard police evidence that White had killed Brown in a fight outside their homes in Xenophobia Street when he saw him trying to strangle his visiting nephew Azir Green (naturalised British / coffee-coloured).

Judge Ton-ton Tonking (Chinese / yellow-skinned) advised the media "What became obvious as the evidence unfolded, however, is that from time to time, despite denials to the contrary, both Brown and his stepson Slugsy Grey (British / blotchy pink-skinned) were involved in acts of racial aggression towards members of Mr. White's family."

Local BNP senior councillor, Frankie Suduko (Albanian / pale grey colour), told reporters the party would start a campaign to expose what has gone on as he viewed the verdict as "fuckin' bonkers."

"We've got me mate Brownie gettin' murdered just cos he was a bit of a ravin' loony racist who liked stranglin' little coloured twats, and this White bloke runs out into a public street with a razor-sharp spring roll and stabs 'im. Then this judge bloke says there's no case to answer. What's a judge know about the fuckin' law anyways. I'm gonna 'ave the bastard blackballed."

Chief Inspector Abonga Black (Jamaican / excellent sun tan) spokesman for Staffordshire Police, said the investigation into Keith Brown's death had been handled in a 'thorough and impartial manner by de brothers.'
The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) Stoke branch told the media it hadn't wanted to get involved as the BNP's paramilitary hoodie thugs or some radical Islamic loonies might start tossing bricks, or worse, through their office windows whichever way they had arbitrated on the case.

White's barrister, Simon Redman, (very English / acned) informed reporters that police investigations into the various racist incidents often "came to nothing" because of "calamitous failures in the system" and that most of the officers involved had been ex-skinheads and closet members of the BNP, with stunted IQ's being scored at the same grade as a troop of baboons.

Professor Mohammed al-Lavender, (Jordanian / bilious colour) Chief Janitor at Staffordshire University, who acted as Foreman of the trial jury, informed the media he was moving to a safer location. "I've sold me garden shed and am buggering off outa this dump before I gets torched. Pakistan sounds like a fair property investment option."

Friday, 19 September 2008

Chinese Baby Milk Formula has Radioactive Half-Life of 50,000 years

For centuries known to the West as the Middle Kingdom or the Jhong-guo (lit’ translation Mandarin = Humungous Shithole) and renown for it’s highly evolved culture of bureaucratic corruption and barbaric laws, the China of today doesn’t seem to have changed one iota.

Now titled the ‘People’s Republic’ and vaunted as a Marxist utopia, it’s actual bureaucratic structure is still rife with corruption and hypocrisy, ruled over by a politburo of incontinent senile octogenarians.

In this repressive police state nation, where one can be fined a cornea or both kidneys for parking on double yellow lines, focus centres on the glaring disparity that China’s harsh draconic laws are not applied to such a vital industry of producing and marketing the purest forms of baby milk formula as opposed to the counterfeit, toxic products which are currently flooding their streets.

China's burgeoning baby food scandal involving contaminated milk powder and other sub-standard edible products points several accusing sets of fingers directly at the government’s fat cat food and drinks inspectors.

These officials stand accused of accepting inducements and bribes from unscrupulous manufacturers and sanctioning the addition of inedible bulking ingredients to consumer food products for no more that a swift massage and handjob at the local Rub and Tug.

A plate of hot dim sum and a fist full of Renminbi or Sainsbury’s Nectar points, plus a gallon of diesel for their personal chauffer-driven hand tractor, will bribe most lowly-paid standards inspectors to approve dogshit or buffalo phlegm as edible food ingredients.

But in an archaic backward country where it’s an accepted cultural practice, since time immemorial, to toss unwanted newborn female offspring into the nearest river, or bury them in the neighbour’s compost heap, well, what’s a couple of buckets of toxic waste mixed in with the baby formula.

Who, in a government mired in Marxist dogma and corruption, might actually notice or even give a flying fuck.
Who, in the West, would really give a fuck either, if it wasn’t for putting the proverbial boot into Communist China yet again.

At the centre of this current scandal is the Saniloo Group, a commercial cleaning products company, reportedly owned by a senior Politburo member and based just outside the city of Shitabust in the remote mountainous Wankin province.

Rumours abound that Saniloo has been selling milk powder tainted with the toxic chemical plutonium, used in industry to make such things as nuclear bombs.
This chemical instils the milk powder with a shiny white appearance and gives babies a healthy glow. (in the dark).

So far, hundreds of children have died and more than 6,000 have been taken ill after drinking tainted powdered milk, with scores experiencing acute kidney failure. Other symptoms include hair loss, massive skin lesions and bleeding from every possible bodily orifice, followed by a severe case of death.

All the children who became seriously ill drank milk formula produced by the Saniloo group, Chinese health minister, Pisspot Pol informed reporters.
Minister Pol, a former Nanking firewood vendor, confided to the media in a rare candid aside that his family drank only imported milk products from Switzerland.

But the spreading scandal is no longer limited to a singular Chinese company.
In a development that might possibly prompt government officials into getting off their lazy arses at last, inspectors have found melamine and other toxic chemicals in baby milk powder produced by 22 companies - one out of every five suppliers.
The bulking chemicals include fluoride, aspartame, rodent excrement, dried slugs, pulverised uranium fuel rods and the ground up bark of asbestos bushes.

Reports of powdered milk formula being bulked out by the cremated remains of Beijing Olympic athletes who failed to achieve even a bronze medal in the recent games are still unsubstantiated.

Toothless Tung, spokesperson for Shanghai-based Toxic Tangs Baby Products, admitted that their powdered milk formula’s main constituents were recycled milk cartons and ground up bamboo scaffolding which he claimed were accepted by food standards inspectors as a primary source of dietary roughage.
The milk has the same nutritional value as whitewash, with several of the babies who drank it actually dying of starvation.

However, Tung further elaborated that the company did produce a top of the range line of octane-boosted, decaffeinated and unleaded baby formula milk powders, all guaranteed to be made from 100% actual dairy products, which included real full cream milk, curds, whey and generous dollops of fresh cowshit.

One group of assorted Tibetans have been jailed and sentenced to transplant organ removal for selling fake milk powder in the eastern province of Anhui, which turned out to be made from shredded newspaper and white emulsion paint.

These were the first convictions following a scandal that caused a national outcry. At least 47 people, including someone who might be related to a government official, have been arrested in connection with the affair.

Ding Dong Dung, an unemployed ferret wrestler from Guangzhou, was sentenced to the Death of a Thousand Cuts, which is apparently quite painful, for selling sub-standard formula, while a second man was given a six month sentence of 24/7 water torture followed by a lifetime’s community service order in Manchuria.

The cases serve to highlight China's non-existent food safety standards and have triggered a stream of reports about other harmful foods, such as fake soy sauce containing 95% wood varnish and vegetables pickled in badger snot.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Thousands Stranded by XL Travel Collapse

The collapse of the UK's third largest package holiday group has left tens of thousands of Britons stranded abroad in a variety of exotic destinations, ranging from the Isle of Dogs to Antarctica, and Butlin’s Kinshasa to the Gobi Desert.

The decision to place XL Leisure Group into administration has also left thousands of its staff facing penury and starvation, and possibly having their Tesco Club cards cancelled.

XL Group Chairman Phil Twathooks, a graduate of the prestigious Uri Geller Institute for Advanced Spoon Bending, told the media he was "totally devastated" by the failure which has grounded XL Travel’s 21 planes and seen the company’s stock value dropping faster than a crack whore’s knickers.

“We’ve got 67,000 customers stranded who booked directly with XL Travel, and another 23,000 who booked via other companies which were barmy enough to charter our planes”, Mr. Twathooks explained. “It’s fuckin’ lucky me n the wife booked our three month cruise holiday with Thomas Cook’s.”

The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) reported that the group’s holding company,XL Leisure, in reality had 200,000 advance bookings which were now worth less than a sock full of petrified stoat shit.

However, while many families are actually stuck at their holiday destinations, devoid of the means to re-finance their return journeys home, some enterprising individuals have expedited their own repatriation via fair means and foul.

A certain Mr. and Mrs. Ratslinger of Scunthorpe arrived back at Manchester International Airport last night from an XL Wonder Tours adventure package holiday in Afghanistan after stowing away on one of the British Air Assault Brigade’s C-17 Globemaster military transport aircraft carrying a cargo of fresh corpses and assorted body bits.
“We slipped into a couple of them body bags with some dead blokes”, they informed astounded immigration officials. “Better than hanging around Helmand Province getting shot at and waiting for XL Travel to get their proverbial shit together an’ fly us home.”
“I’ve seen better organised fuckin’ riots,” Mr. Ratslinger told the press, ”Look at me new Taliban t-shirt, covered in blood n guts. The missus swapped it for page three of me Daily Sport wiv some al Qaeda bloke wiv a beard.”

Frank Lugnuts, a self-employed cormorant strangler from Luton, crawled off the Calais to Dover ferry totally exhausted after hopping his way home from an XL Adventure Holidays tour of Cambodia’s famous mine fields.
“It was all going well up until last week”, he told reporters. “Then the crap hit the fan when I got me left foot blown off by a Claymore and we found out the tour group had gone ass-uppards. After that it all went to shit”
“The local RAC patched me leg up for nowt in Phnom Pen and I managed to swap the wife for a second-hand push bike and a box of instant Pol Pot noodles at the slave market in Bangkok, then pedalled back to Istanbul where me bike got nicked by some Albanian transvestite with a lisp, so I hopped me way back to Calais and caught the ferry.”

Stranded on the International Space Station due the grounding of XL’s Astro Tours space shuttle, one Sheffield couple faced starvation after eating their last pack of freeze-dried spam and chips and commenced munching the craft’s hydraulic hoses. This led to a loss of orbital stability, causing it to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere.
Fortunately the couple were able to launch the emergency escape pod at 50,000 feet and touched down safely in Cornwall.
Meanwhile the ISS plummeted on, crashing into downtown Cairo, detonating the nuclear fuel core and devastating an area six kilometres square, causing an estimated £17 worth of damage.

Monday, 15 September 2008

Lehman Bros files for Bankruptcy

Lehman Brothers, the fourth largest investment bank in the entire Universe, has filed for bankruptcy protection, tossing a spanner into the capricious works of the galactic financial system.
The news led to sharp falls in share prices across the Cosmos, propagating a ripple effect of devastating chaos, with the Coma Berenices star system disappearing into a Black Hole the size of Jade Goody’s vagina.

Three of the Galaxy’s top five investment banks have now fallen victim to the credit crunch in the last year, with Bear Sterns being sold to JP Morgan for a knockdown price of US$15 in March.
The ailing Merrill Lynch financial conglomerate is to be gobbled up by Bank of America for a rumoured US$23 worth of Wal-Mart discount vouchers and a second-hand lawn mower in a deal that will create the largest financial services company this side of the Andromeda system.

Lehman Brothers, which employs over 250,000 staff in our solar system alone, including 350 at the Lunar Stock Exchange, was founded in 1850, in Montgomery, Alabama by three German immigrant brothers, Beaky, Squeaky and Gwendolyn (the odd one out).

Scions of the prestigious Bavarian Lehman family, famous throughout Europe for their big noses and producing the finest quality clockwork hedgehogs, the brothers established the first Montgomery trading post and quickly cornered the market in such vital commodities as pigs’ bladders, goldfish bowls, weather balloons and broken glass.

Following providential military supply contracts with both the Union and Confederate states during the Civil War conflict, the brothers invested the hard cash and gold bullion they had amassed from war profiteering to form their own financial services corporation and exploit the secret nuances of fractional reserve banking to create money out of sweet fuck all.

With declared total assets of US$690 billion in 2007, one might be tempted to take a wise step back and inquire “Where the fuck’s the money gone?”

However, blame has been squarely cast on the shoulders of the sub prime crisis and ensuing credit crunch, with losses being further attributed to hard-pushed house owners struggling to pay their mortgages and still be able to afford to run a couple of cars, keep a mistress and have annual vacations in exotic resorts.

Here on Earth, premier bean-counters PricewaterhouseCoopers have been appointed as administrators for Lehman Brothers, taking up the daunting task of sorting shit from shinola.

A spokesthing for PwC informed Rusty's Skewed News Views they intended to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Lehman’s behalf, which will allow the company time to shred any and all documents that might incriminate company officers for corruption or malfeasance and formulate a golden parachute deal for directors to ensure they can retire in style, with their perquisite performance bonuses intact.

As for the common man-in-the-street investor and hapless creditors of Lehman Brothers, er, tough shit.

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Schoolgirl’s Snatch Thatch Bears Face of Christ

Chantelle Slutrunt, a seventeen year old Smegmadale schoolgirl studying for her A levels in Shoplifting and Knife Fighting at the town’s Asbo Central Education Trust, has set the Christian and Judaic religious worlds afire after her younger brother Wilf posted pictures of her mons veneris on Facebook.

Chantelle explained to media reporters “I ‘ad no fuckin’ cash for a coupla biftas n a bit of snort like yer know, so Wilfie sez ‘e’ll lend us a coupla ‘undred quid outa ‘is drug dealin’ money if I let ‘im take a piccie of me snatch.”
Within a week the photos were posted across the entire internet with one Google site displaying blow up pictures receiving two million hits in a day.

Not more pornography, one might comment, dismissing the issue as another teenage prank gone too far.
But this bit of mischief by Wilf and his cellphone camera has had far reaching consequences.
When viewed on Facebook and other websites, the close up photos he took of Chantelle’s pubes are a perfect match for the face of Jesus in Leonardo’s famous painting of the Last Brunch.

Critics and sceptics alike have questioned the manner in which Chantelle’s pubic bush might have been groomed and perhaps set with gel, or shaved and plucked with tweezers, to create this mystical facial image of the Big J’.

However, following an up close and personal examination by a Vatican appointed investigative team of three nuns, a gay vicar, and a forensic barber the verdict returned is that the pubic phenomena is genuine.
“It’s the real thing, all natural”, the team informed media reporters. “After a full pressure wash and blow drying, whichever way her short and curlies are brushed, one shake of her buns and the pubes settle back into their original image of Christ, with Ms. Slutrunt’s clitoris marking his chin dimple. It is a most moving and emotional religious experience to witness.”

While the Catholic Church on one hand is trying to play down and dismiss the phenomena as a coincidence of nature, devoid of any supernatural connotation, on the other it is expressing outrage at the eBay auctions for ‘Lucky Pussy’ hallowed souvenir pubic hairs and T-shirts bearing the image of Chantelle’s Messianic beaver with the optional printed legends of “Worship the Divine Snatch", “Jesus is a Twat” and “Heavenly Pussy” being marketed by her entrepreneurial brother Wilf, an apprentice pigeon strangler.

A more sinister note to what the global news media are terming the Holy Pussy Affair has now arisen with the apocalyptic loony Jewish Chabad Lubavitcher sect claiming Chantelle as the chosen Virgin Mother of their coming Messiah.
This fundamental Judaic sect are Hell bent on hastening Armageddon to facilitate the Second Coming of Christ the Messiah and now intend to recruit Chantelle as their Blessed Virgin Matriarch.

Their desired objectives in kick starting the Apocalypse include the destruction of Jerusalem’s Al-Aqsa Mosque, the restoration of the Third Temple on its site; the rapture and rising to Heaven of the 144,000 Chosen Ones (them, obviously); the battle of Armageddon and the mass slaughter of Israeli Jews, followed by the Final Coming of Jesus Christ.
So all in all, pretty much a busy summer weekend barbeque type scenario, apart from the corpses and radioactive fallout.

However, Chantelle’s reaction to the Chabad Lubavitcher sect’s offer has been somewhat less that enthusiastic.
“Who me? Virgin mother me arse. Are these blokes pissed or on drugs or what? Virgin! now that’s a fuckin’ laugh, I’ve ‘ad more pricks than a dartboard. I ain’t ‘avin’ any baby Messiahs either, I might come across as a bit of a thick slapper but I takes me birth control pills every mornin’, so they can all fuck off ‘cos I ain’t joinin’ their club.”

Pilgrims are advised that the Shrine of the Sacred Snatch, currently housed in Wilf’s garden shed, shall shortly be relocated to a new chapel of worship on Smegmadale’s Reliquary Street, next to the Moron Church of Latter Day Sluts and the Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

McKinnon Extradition for Hacking Real X-Files

A demonstration on behalf of Gary McKinnon was held outside the Home Office in London yesterday afternoon with protesters hurling cobs of fermenting chocolate blancmange and lumps of steaming aardvark shite at Home Secretary Jacqui Smith when she appeared on her third floor office balcony, ordering the assembly to “Be quiet and fuck off”.
Ms. Smith quickly retreated inside when her hi-viz tartan stab jacket was splattered with the viscous projectiles.

For those living in caves or just returning from an extended vacation with Hermit Holidays, here’s the low-down on Gary McKinnon and the imminent death of Habeas Corpus in the UK.

A 42-year old Scottish computer hacker with the online sobriquet “Solo”, Gary stands accused by the US government of perpetrating the “biggest military computer hack of all time” when he accessed US Intelligence agencies’ computers in search of their real X-Files.
In reality, all he did was to shown up and embarrass the US Military Intelligence (sic) agencies, exposing them as the bunch of inept amateurs they really are, with their much vaunted computer security systems having more holes than an Irish colander.

He claims his motivation for the hacking incidents originated from a faux pas statement made at the Washington Press Club in May 2001 involving the top secret “Disclosure Project", and he hoped to find evidence of UFO's, antigravity technology, faked Moon landings, the US military-industrial complex's suppression of "Free Energy" and their multiple HAARP array induced earthquake and tsunami attacks on the nations of Greater Asia : all of which he claims to have proven through his actions.
In an interview with the BBC he also claimed that "The Disclosure Project" states a captured spacecraft, extra-terrestrial in origin, was reverse engineered by US military scientists and General Motors.

Gary, a computer systems administrator, is accused of hacking into 97 United States military and NASA computers in 2001 and 2002. The computer networks he is accused of hacking include networks owned by NASA, Wal-Mart, the US Army, Sesame Street, the US Navy, Department of Defense, Kentucky Fried Iraqis, the US-Israel False Flag Op's Dept., and the US Air Force.

Gary was originally tracked down and arrested under the Computer Misuse Act by the UK’s premium Crime Unit for National hi-Tech Services (CUNTS) in 2002 who informed him that he would face community service and probably have to clean all the windows around Glasgow. However, the Crown Prosecution Service refused to charge him.
Later that year he was targeted and indicted by the United States government’s Extreme Revenge Department.

Now the morally bankrupt United States want to extradite Gary, who has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, to face a possible seventy year prison sentence in Guantanamo Bay or another of their numerous top security sodomite paradises, and have even threatened him with "being fried" as they state his trial will be held in Virginia where the Death penalty is still in force. Nasty, eh.
Since when do we extradite our citizens for computer misuse, a misdemeanour which still carries a slap-on-the-wrist or community service order here in the UK.
The UK cannot extradite US citizens without cast iron proof but the US can now take any UK citizen on the strength of an allegation alone.
Que? Something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

When a purported First World (civilized?) nation okays and allows such practices of extreme rendition (read Torture) as water boarding, McDonald’s Supersize Me meals, the broadcast of George Dubya's speeches, the Monkey Scrub and the dreaded Chinese Burn as necessary under their false flag of fighting terrorism, then we’re all fucked with a large capital F.

Gary McKinnon made the US military / intelligence computer system and its operatives look stupid by gaining access in search of covered-up information about UFO activity.
Now the spooks and goons want their own back. It's nothing to do with 'security' and everything to do with John Wayne's mortally bruised ego.
Who can forget their eternal resentment with the Canadians for having the best view of the Niagara Falls.
Why can’t our Colonial cocksuckin' Cousins put it down to experience, say “Cheers” to Gary for pointing out their inherent security loopholes, rub some other unguent on their affronted self-esteem and leave the balm of spiteful vengeance justly corked in its wickedly dark bottle.

However, human nature being what it is, and as the British government wags its body in tune to the US establishment’s vindictive tail, they’ll do whatever they’re told. It's called the 'Free World', apparently.

For fuck’s sake, beam me up, Scully.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Ragheads Buying Man’ City FC

Manchester Shitty Football Club owner Foreskin Shitawaterat has agreed to sell the club to a Middle Eastern camel trading company for what sports business analysts are calling “lots and lots of fucking money.”
Shitawaterat today signed a memorandum of understanding with the Abu Dhabi United Camel Trading Group that would see the Arab company gaining a majority stake in the bog standard club.

The takeover deal which will see Foreskin become honorary chairman and retain a shareholding, was completed at the prestigious Dubai Goatshaggers Oasis Heaven Resort.

ADUCTG boss Dr Sulaiman Al-Fukwit and Shitawaterat’s main ass-kisser and gopher, Pairoj Unpronounceablename, were photographed posing with a sweaty Man’ City shirt and signing documents, while several goats nibbled at a spread of hordeuves .

Dr. Al-Fukwit, a well-known self-delusionist who made his fortune selling inflatable vibrating goats, took a break from snorting coke and picking his beak to chat with the media, informing The’s sports correspondent :
"I like to have a gamble and a challenge. Manchester City’s a club that’s currently fucking useless but could be turned around if we poach all of Man’ United’s players and grab David Beckham’s cousin Betty. Those shitty blue shirts have to go for a start, blue’s a loser’s colour. Islamic Green’s our choice for the new kit."

“We have really deep pockets. By closing a deal with one of our players today they’ll see we’re serious in developing the club from its shitheap status into one of the top four and not just a bunch of time-wasting camel jockey wankers."
Al-Fuckwit disclosed ADUCTG was in talks with three players and hoped to sign at least one by the close of the transfer window on Monday.”
BBC Sport reported these players are rumoured to be one-legged South Ossetian centrefield supremo Dimitar Whackinov, Pancho Villa, one-eyed star goalie for the Mexican Premier League’s Fiery Tortillias and Gammer Gomez, one-titted Sapphic striker for Brazil’s Amazonian Butch Lezbo First Eleven.

Dr Al-Fuckwit, obviously a man with a sense of humour, promised to "solve all the club’s problems" and "clear any pending payments" as well as "bringing the best football players in the world" to City.
A round of raucous laughter broke out among sports media hacks when Al-Fuckwit predicted Man’ City would qualify for the Champions League in the 2009 / 10 season.

However, BBC Sport understands that ADUCTG has only signed a memorandum of
understanding - essentially a camel trader’s handshake –
with Manchester City FC.
The Middle Eastern company wants to completely buy out the club and stated “A period of due diligence for all parties, including the Football Association and Premier League has now been entered."

Foreskin Shitawaterat the former prime minister of Thailand, completed his takeover of Manchester City in July 2007.
His ownership of the club has been constantly overshadowed by the problems he faces in his homeland, with a warrant being issued for his arrest last month after he failed to appear in court to face corruption charges.
His Thai assets, believed to be worth in excess of £800m, have now been frozen in decaffeinated crocodile piss until the charges against him are resolved.