Monday, 1 September 2008

Ragheads Buying Man’ City FC

Manchester Shitty Football Club owner Foreskin Shitawaterat has agreed to sell the club to a Middle Eastern camel trading company for what sports business analysts are calling “lots and lots of fucking money.”
Shitawaterat today signed a memorandum of understanding with the Abu Dhabi United Camel Trading Group that would see the Arab company gaining a majority stake in the bog standard club.

The takeover deal which will see Foreskin become honorary chairman and retain a shareholding, was completed at the prestigious Dubai Goatshaggers Oasis Heaven Resort.

ADUCTG boss Dr Sulaiman Al-Fukwit and Shitawaterat’s main ass-kisser and gopher, Pairoj Unpronounceablename, were photographed posing with a sweaty Man’ City shirt and signing documents, while several goats nibbled at a spread of hordeuves .

Dr. Al-Fukwit, a well-known self-delusionist who made his fortune selling inflatable vibrating goats, took a break from snorting coke and picking his beak to chat with the media, informing The’s sports correspondent :
"I like to have a gamble and a challenge. Manchester City’s a club that’s currently fucking useless but could be turned around if we poach all of Man’ United’s players and grab David Beckham’s cousin Betty. Those shitty blue shirts have to go for a start, blue’s a loser’s colour. Islamic Green’s our choice for the new kit."

“We have really deep pockets. By closing a deal with one of our players today they’ll see we’re serious in developing the club from its shitheap status into one of the top four and not just a bunch of time-wasting camel jockey wankers."
Al-Fuckwit disclosed ADUCTG was in talks with three players and hoped to sign at least one by the close of the transfer window on Monday.”
BBC Sport reported these players are rumoured to be one-legged South Ossetian centrefield supremo Dimitar Whackinov, Pancho Villa, one-eyed star goalie for the Mexican Premier League’s Fiery Tortillias and Gammer Gomez, one-titted Sapphic striker for Brazil’s Amazonian Butch Lezbo First Eleven.

Dr Al-Fuckwit, obviously a man with a sense of humour, promised to "solve all the club’s problems" and "clear any pending payments" as well as "bringing the best football players in the world" to City.
A round of raucous laughter broke out among sports media hacks when Al-Fuckwit predicted Man’ City would qualify for the Champions League in the 2009 / 10 season.

However, BBC Sport understands that ADUCTG has only signed a memorandum of
understanding - essentially a camel trader’s handshake –
with Manchester City FC.
The Middle Eastern company wants to completely buy out the club and stated “A period of due diligence for all parties, including the Football Association and Premier League has now been entered."

Foreskin Shitawaterat the former prime minister of Thailand, completed his takeover of Manchester City in July 2007.
His ownership of the club has been constantly overshadowed by the problems he faces in his homeland, with a warrant being issued for his arrest last month after he failed to appear in court to face corruption charges.
His Thai assets, believed to be worth in excess of £800m, have now been frozen in decaffeinated crocodile piss until the charges against him are resolved.

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