Tuesday 31 August 2010

UK Clap Stats Win Guinness Book Place

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Health Protection Agency states there were almost half a million new cases of sexually transmitted disease infections ‘recorded’ in the UK last year – with cynics staffing the ranks of the National Health Service running a book offering 10 to 1 odds that the number unrecorded – going untreated – will statistically exceed 3 million drippy cocks and rotting minges when they eventually turn up at a clap clinic with festoons of necrotic flesh dangling off their diseased genitalia.

Health Protection Agency ‘Clapologists’ claim young people are most affected and thousands of shit-for-brains 10 to 16 year olds with an STD became infected again within a year due their ‘couldn’t give a flying fuck’ attitude towards using condoms.
Health ministers are dumbstruck as to what actions expedited by them will increase young people's awareness of the risks of unprotected sex – and too the long-term effects of catching a dose of ‘syph’ or ‘gonner’ – or any one or combination of the myriad of STD’s doing the rounds - and leaving them untreated.

Dr Candida Muffitch of the HPA suggests a campaign of photos and instructional videos, posted around school dining rooms, and on the internet and YouTube, showing cases of ‘GKR’ (Galloping Knob Rot) where a young male’s genitalia has become so badly infected the entire length of his manhood and testicles turned gangrenous and dropped off.
This is to be accompanied by a parallel campaign targeting school-age girls, with graphic displays of ATC (Advanced Twat Canker) – with the clitoris resembling a Brussels sprout, piss flaps dotted and perforated with genital warts, and suppurating vaginas oozing pus like dollops of curdled custard as they fester away.

Dr Chlamydia Titwank, senior resident Clapologist at Smegmadale’s STD Clinic, informed one reporter from the ‘Poxed Up Gazette’ “You simply wouldn’t believe where some of these girls manifest their sexual infections. Genital warts, herpes ulcers and chancres around the mouth, up their nostrils and down their throats – plus up their arses too. I mean, how do they catch clap in their auditory canals? – or perhaps I shouldn’t ask if their boyfriends stick their cock in their ears and try to fuck some sense into them.”

“However, I don’t suppose I should really complain as I always get a big round of applause when I come on duty in a morning and walk through the waiting room – and they’re all sat there - Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!”

The current Guinness World record for being infected with the most doses of clap at any one time was held by singer Amy Shitehouse until hotel chain heiress Paris Stilton grabbed the title earlier this year when diagnosed with a cocktail of several strains of venereal disease even the doctors had never seen nor heard of before.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Tories Cash-for-Access Dinner Scam

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Business executives and power-hungry political wannabees who buy £1,000-a-plate tickets to a fund-raising dinner at the coming Conservative Party conference are actually buying the opportunity to sit next to a cabinet minister of your own choice - such as former traffic warden Community Watch Stasi Chief Eric ‘Porkfat’ Prickles; Unemployment Secretary Ian Duncan Boring; Home Secretary Theresa ‘Blonde Moment’ May - the MP for Maidenhead (sic); Minister for Suntans and Spices, Baroness Sayeeda Warsi - and Willy Vague, the Minister for Israeli Affairs.

Despite Posh Dave Scameron's pledges to bring transparency to party funding, the identities of the attending businessmen will be slapped with a 100 year Top Secret Eyes Only X-Files Notice.
The Conservative fund-raising operation has led to accusations of cash for access, and drawn comparisons with controversial fund-raising methods employed by New Labour under the money-grubbing Tony Bliar when he sanctioned permission for the Hinduja brothers to have a quick grope at Cherie’s arse while she was pissed at a party function - in exchange for a large donation.

The inaugural Conservative Party Business Dinner is being marketed as "an exclusive networking event" where guests will enjoy fine wines and superb food with fellow business leaders – plus for £50 quid extra they can ogle at sexy Sammy Scameron’s voluptuous lactating tits while she breast feeds Florrie, their latest rug rat addition to the family.

Chancellor Boy George Oddball will be guest of honour at the dinner, where places start at £500 for a bowl of soup and a crusty bun - or a table for ten can be bought for £5,000. According to the conference guide, each table will be hosted by a prominent Conservative politician – so the more you pay the more prominent the MP.

Hence for a measly £500 quid you get a Tory Alderman from Shitborough Hamlets Council. However, application forms on the Tory Party website make it clear that business leaders prepared to spend £1,000-a-head can guarantee that they dine with at least one serving government minister – and anyone willing to cough up £5,000 will also secure an invite to the Chequers weekend barbeque where Posh Dave will be helping Sammy to flip the snags and chew n spew burgers.

Drop the dead donkey besides, rampant rabid rumours that coalition Deputy PM Mick Clogg will have to cough up the full £1,000 quid to get a place at the table remain unsubstantiated as of going to press.

Would you pay a £1,000 nicker to sit at a table full of deadleg politicians with dandruff and acne – half of whom have a history of kiddie fiddling or as career bumboys – or both - who all prompt you to count your fingers after shaking hands with them.

Do you think a £ grand’s a mite on the expensive side for a meat and potato pie with chips and mushy peas – especially when you can get the same from the chippy for less than a fiver?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win an elite lunch date with London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and tuck into a plate of egg and chips at Gordon ‘Fuck Off’ Ramsey’s Michelin 5-star ‘Blasphemer’s Trattoria’ on Chelsea’s chic Upper Ripoffs Street.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Monday 30 August 2010

UK Workers get Shafted with Parking Tax

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under new draconic penny-pinching laws motorists across the country are to be charged hundreds of pounds a year to park at their places of work after councils were mandated under a Libservation government-ordained sneak tax scheme to find new ways of raising revenues and milking the hapless peasantry.

It had been perceived, via a sly nod and a wink understanding, that plans for Labour’s obnoxious workplace parking levies would be abandoned after coalition ministers declared an end to the war on motorists within days of getting their feet through the door at 10 Downing Street.

However the Scandalmonger’s Gazette has learned that a number of grasping local authorities are actively examining several devious methods for introducing the charge in an attempt to raise funds. They include councils in Porkbarrel-on-Wye, Looton, Greedborough, East Gluttony, Scumerset, Extortford and Avariceshire.

Now, approximately 20% of the British population who still have jobs – and have managed to avoid the repo’ men snatching back their motor - drive to work a couple of days a week if they can afford the petrol – will be faced with £250-a-year tax to park at work – which is a damn good reason to say ‘fuck it’ and stay at home – thus denying the grasping government jobsworths the opportunity to tax your income with PAYE or National Insurance.

Initially, Labour’s blood-suckers viewed the parking levy as a way to tackle congestion, cut carbon emissions and leech the peasantry into a state of permanent financial anaemia.
Now, with local authorities facing the biggest cash squeeze since the Spanish Armada, the porcine Communities Secretary Eric ‘Lard-Arse’ Pickles,has informed them they need to start finding other ways to increase revenue and no longer rely on Westminster as their ‘provider of choice’.

Shittingham City Council will be the first local authority to impose a £250 levy on local employers starting in 2011. Within two years it is forecast the bill will rise to £350 per annum and target all companies with 10 or more parking spaces.
Bristol City Council, for example, in its draft strategy, describes the levy as a "revenue stream" to help fund other transport initiatives – specifically to buy the Lord Mayor a new Lexus 4 x 4 SUV and provide chauffeur-driven limo’s for the upper rank council jobsworths.

Conversely, Ghengis McTwatt of the Motorists Defence League, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “While these twats were in Opposition, the Tories bitterly opposed what they called Labour's "war on the motorist" and swore ter end it - but so much for their bullshit promises. Bollocks ter their endin’ the war on the motorist – the local councils are just gonna open up a fresh battle front."

“That’s the rhyme an’ reasoninin’ behind introducin’ this PPPPT scheme (Perpetual Peasant Poverty Parking Tax) ter see us all peniless. We need ter employ Mr Ghandi’s ‘civil disobedience’ strategy cos mass defiance is our best bet ter turn this crap on its head before it ever takes off – we need ter turn it inter a ‘Poll Tax on Wheels' protest campaign.”

Thought for the day: Come to think back on it, applying the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, Harold MacMillan’s superbly arrogant and obnoxious statement of “You’ve never had it so good” was possibly pretty acccurate considering the crap we’ve had from Thatcher, then that lying twat Bliar and his porridge wog successor Cyclops Broon – to arrive at the financial quagmire we are all nuts deep in today.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Cricket Stewards Labelled ‘Spoonatics’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Two Smegmadale pensioners – both retired school teachers - have criticised HSE regulations and the excessive use of anti-terrorism laws for being refused entry to a cricket match because they were carrying metal spoons.

Smegmashire County Cricket Club fans Hilda and Wilf Fuctifino, both 96 years old last birthday, had innocently added a couple of metal dessert spoons to a picnic hamper to eat their strawberries and cream while watching Glamorgan's NatWest Pro 40 tie at Colwyn Bay in Welsh Wales.

Hilda Fuctifino spoke to a reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette, explaining what had occurred. "When we got to the ground there was a bag search at the gate, which wasn't surprising considering the fundamentalist Islamic militant crazies attacked the Sri Lankan cricket team last year in Lahore.”

“Anyway, these two scruffy-looking guards wearing hi-viz Renta-Thug Security Agency jackets open up our picnic hamper and the one with the ‘McTwat’ ID badge holds up the two spoons and looks at Wilf then says “Ello, ello, ello – wot ‘ave we ‘ere then? – a set of offensive Ninja weapons no less. Do you ‘ave any other concealed weapons about your person?”

"The next thing, McTwat’s androgynous companion – purportedly female and bearing a badge with the name Candida Mingerot on her lapel, pointed to the spoons and shouts “Yer can’t bring those in here, missus cos they’re metal an’ yer might stab some sod wiv ‘em.”

"This butch dyke ‘Spoonatic’ then started rooting around in the hamper and took exception to the three small Tuppaware tubs, one with tea, one with sugar and one with powdered milk – speculating aloud in a sarcastic tone that they could be mixed together to make a high explosive – to which I replied in exasperation “Yes, and also mixed together to make a cup of tea!” "I was absolutely astounded – where do they find these morons."

“Then Wilf lost his cool and – blood pressure be damned - demanded “What do you think two pensioners are going to do with a couple of dessert spoons – hijack the fucking wickets? For Christ’s sake – spoons now constitute offensive weapons while you have blokes down there wandering around with cricket bats and you think Hilda and I are going to do someone in with a spoon – or kick start World War Three?"
“That was about the time the local Plod Squad arrived on the scene and arrested him for a breach of Section 8’s ‘Asking Awkward Questions’ statute of the Domestic Terrorism Act 2009.”

Do you like strawberries and cream? Do you carry a concealed spoon on your person? Would you stoop to the undignified practice of eating summer seasonal fruits with a plastic spork?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free bag of ashes – composed of the cremated remains of one ball, one set of wickets and bails – and a couple of numpty security guards.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of strawberries went uneaten.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and particles of moron.

Sunday 29 August 2010

Monsanto GMO’s Targeted by Will of the People

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following the US HAARP-inflicted catastrophic earthquake that targeted Haiti in January of this year, shamelessly murdering 230,000 peasants (solely to punish the island population further for their outrageous 1791 revolution that kicked out the foul and foreign French and brought the slave nation freedom) and creating an excuse for the Zionist Neo-Con’s to turn it into yet another military base, Monsanto attempted to fob the gollies off 475 tons of hybrid corn and terminator vegetable seeds in partnership with the New World Order’s nefarious US-AID outfit.

However in June, 10,000 Haitian farmers marched in protest of the poison gift which produces no viable seeds for future plantings and requires heavy chemical inputs of Monsanto’s own fertilisers and pesticides – a dodgy biotech money-spinning scam that makes farmers dependent on the likes of greedy grasping multinational corporations such as the manky Monsanto, Pioneer and Syngenta.

Over on the far side of the Atlantic on a recent Sunday morning, specifically August 15th, French police stood helplessly by as sixty people turned Monsanto’s security precautions upside down and locked themselves inside a razor wire-topped chain-link fenced field of genetically modified grapevines, uprooted all the plants, then surrendered – and in Italy last month, dozens of irate organic farmers destroyed two GMO fields planted with spaghetti seedlings.

Likewise, Indian farmers recently burned mutant Bt cotton plants in their Cremate Monsanto campaign due heavy use of chemical fertilisers leaching into the water table – plus the Bt cotton plants were runts and less than half the size of the traditional cotton plants in the adjacent fields.

Their complaints and peaceful protests ignored by multinational corporations and corrupt public policy makers and lobbyists for so long, citizens are finally reacting with focused disdain and getting their proverbial act together to protect the food supply and the planet.

Conversely Monsanto Mutant Foods claim their GMO crops are totally safe and deny their critic’s scientifically-correct accusations that they require massive chemical inputs which destroy local biodiversity and poison the water tables – or that air-borne seeds will cross-pollinate with natural and organic crops.

Monsanto further refuse to accept the hard scientific evidence that proves their ‘mutant foods’ cause organ damage, sterility, and diabetes and obesity in mammals. Critics again point out that we already have enough problems with toxic chemicals being added to the food chain with the neuro-toxin aspartame – and fluoride being added without public consultation not consent in the water supplies.

Both these chemicals are designed and proven – and intended - to dumb-down the human race to a state of permanent apathy that they can’t be arsed to protest even when all their children are snatched by the state and put into care to serve the perversions of officialdom’s Devil-worshipping kiddie fiddlers and political pederasts as sex slaves and grist for their sacrificial Satanic altars.

With Washington infested with unscrupulous GMO lobbyists, the US is pushing hard at the world to accept Monsanto’s mutant foods, and the corruption-ridden American Farm Bureau Federation demanding stronger sanctions against the European Union for its GM crop ban.

Meanwhile, the White House cuckoo, Mr Hope and Change - President Barky O’Barmy, has had his administration stacked with greedy kikesters and biotech insiders – even going so far as to appoint Mr Izlum Shitbagg Siddiqui as Agriculture Trade Negotiator despite the fact Siddiqui is a former pesticide lobbyist and vice president of CropLife America, a biotech and pesticide trade group that lobbies to weaken environmental laws so they can plant their mutant crops at will.

Thought for the day: Perhaps the majority of the global population will eventually catch on to the deceit when their kids start being born looking like Blinkie the fish when this shit worms its way into their DNA spirals.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Army Vet' Denied Disabled Parking Permit

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A British Army trooper, whose right leg was so badly injured while playing hopscotch in a Taliban minefield during his Afghanistan tour of duty it had to be amputated below the knee, has been denied a disabled parking permit by Snottingham County Council because he might get better.

The gospel according to Alderman Rupert Fuctifino, one of the shit-for-brains jobsworths running Snottingham Council “We can’t just go handin’ these disabled parkin’ permits out to any sod yer know. The bloke’s original application states he ‘lost’ a leg in Afghanistan – so how about if someone finds it an’ hands it in an’ he gets it sewn back on? Or wot happens when he grows another leg – is he gonna return the permit or keep on abusin’ the system like a lot of the buggers do?”

When one switched-on media reporter pointed out that human legs aren’t exactly renown for growing back, Alderman Fuctifino countered “Well, lizards grow another tail, don’t they eh, cos I’ve seen it on that Discovery Channel thingy – and they can do some amazin’ things in hospitals wiv this genetic clonin’ stuff nowadays – like grow another leg fer the bloke. An’ how about that bloke wot had his big toe sewn on his hand ter replace his thumb wot got cut off.”

The 27-year old Bazzer McGimp, a Lance Corporal with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, has clocked up £800 in fines for parking in the areas designated disabled bays in his home town of Limpton on days when he is unable to walk very far.

The war veteran, who survived the Iraq conflict only to lose a leg while on active duty at Camp Hopalong in Afghanistan, has been denied a disabled parking badge three times by the local council clots. When he originally applied for a ‘blue badge’ disabled permit for his car, he was advised by the moronic Highways and Transport Department he was ‘still young and would probably get better'.

McGimp’s right leg was amputated below the knee after missing his step in a variation of the ever-popular Russian Roulette self-harmer's game where players had to negotiate a ‘Hopscotch’ path through one of the Taliban’s minefields in Bellend Province in 2008 – with the resulting explosion catapulting him into the midst of an adjacent IED-infested cemetery.

Since Lance-Corporal McGimp’s case has been broadcast across the front pages of the national press, plus both radio and television, Snottingham Council's understaffed ‘Common Sense Department’ has been tasked with finding a resolution to the highly embarrassing dilemma and prevent further negative news stories showing the council up to be comprised of a bunch of bog standard IQ bureaucratic idiots that aren’t fit for purpose.

The Council’s Director of Common Sense, Ms Candida Nump, informed a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette 'We are set to investigate the situation concerning Mr McGimp’s application for a disabled parking permit and if his own GP issues him with a medical certificate stating his amputated leg is definitely not going to grow back then we’ll recommend the council’s Highways and Transport department issue him with a blue badge forthwith.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Saturday 28 August 2010

Politically Incorrect Words: Addict and Junkie

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following a six month study into drug and alcohol abuse commissioned by the EUSSR’s Brussels’ based Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and expedited by the UK Drug Policy Commission, a report has just been released claiming such names as ‘addict’, ‘junkie’ or ‘alkie’ stigmatised users and make it more difficult to get off drugs or the booze.

Authors of the study claim the terms "junkie" and "addict" were distrustful and judgmental and led to feelings of low self-esteem among drug users – especially if they were on a ‘come down’ and didn’t have another fix handy.

The report suggested that the policing of drugs on the streets - and methadone programmes forcing users to go to chemists - were "publicly humiliating".
Instead, the report stated that British society needs to show more compassion towards drug users - and their prescription ‘alternatives’ should be delivered by first class post to the privacy of their own squats, hovels or drug dens.

The report recommends the government must tackle what it calls the extreme prejudice against drug users if it is to succeed in getting ‘addicts’ off benefits, back into work and playing a contributory role in society. Unfortunately the report totally fails to address the lack of reality inherent in their suggestions.

One of the report’s authors, Dr Fellattia Titwank of Smegmadale University, informed a hack from the Daily Bifta gutter press tabloid "There is no getting away from the fact that our current society is prejudiced towards people who abuse drugs and alcohol – just as they are towards Pikey swan roasters, welfare benefit cheats and kiddie fiddlers – and Manchester City supporters.”
“However, it’s imperative that people stop referring to users as junkies or addicts or alkies or dipso’s - and labelling them as mentally and morally unfit to be members of polite society. This is all so politically incorrect.”

So, within the Oxford English Dictionary, with it’s index of over 250,000 entries and definitions, what fitting word, might we ask, is to be substituted for a person who has such a compelling and ruinous ‘addiction’ if the word ‘addict’ is considered politically incorrect and hence no longer appropriate? Aficionado, devotee, enthusiast, connoisseur, fancier, zealot or habituĂ©?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or methadone.

Anti-Terrorist Call Centre Hotline Banned

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A UK Plod Squad advert encouraging the public at large to report suspected terrorists has been banned for potentially causing serious offence to law-abiding citizens – especially so the peaceful Muslim Jaysh al Shaheed group, whose madrassa chief Mullah Istimna ibn Himar declared they had absolutely no intention of bombing the local Pestco Greedy Grocer outlet again - unless they run out of halal bacon and black puddings.

Ms Beverly Titwank from the public civil liberties watchdog Grassers informed a journalist from the Totalitarian Gazette that the full spectrum media campaign, commissioned by the Association of Chief Plods, drew 186,000 complaints in the first two days it was broadcast, including several from non-Islamites, who claimed it was offensive for encouraging people to report law-abiding citizens who acted in the ways described in their ‘Mosque Watch’ and ‘Spot-a-Muslim Scally’ check lists.

A survey conducted by Channel 69’s ‘Gob Off’ programme revealed that the public at large considered the campaign would encourage certain marginalised and disaffected elements of society to harass or victimise their neighbours – with a majority opinion viewing the check lists as being based on the concept of scare-mongering - and could actually describe the behaviour of the majority of eccentric and quirky law-abiding people that comprise any bog standard British community.

The television advert for the Anti-Terrorist Hotline listed "suspicious" behaviour worth reporting to the police as: "The woman at the end of the street wears a hijab or burka and doesn't talk to the neighbours much because she can’t speak English. She pays with cash at the local Paki corner shop and doesn't have a bank card. She keeps the curtains closed because her house is on a bus route – or opposite the police station her dodgy husband intend to blow up."
"This may mean nothing, but together it could all add up to she and her partner building weapons of mass distraction in the back garden shed with which they intend to destroy the few dubious democratic freedoms we have remaining.”

“We all have a role to play in combating terrorism, so if you see anything suspicious – like Airbus flight manuals or lead-lined plutonium containers or bleach and brake fluid bottles in their wheelie bin call the confidential Anti-Terrorist Hotline 24/7. If you suspect it, report it, and we’ll send a truck-load of our trigger-happy CO19 Armed Response ‘Double Tap’ Squad officers round to kick their front door in and sort them out – and any sneaky Brazilian electricians squatting in the area too."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Fuck the Totalitarian tip-toe - and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Friday 27 August 2010

Manila Hostage Crisis: Mega-Fubar.com

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A coachload of Chinese tourists from Hong Kong might have bitten off more than they bargained for after signing up on an ‘Action-Packed Tour’ of the Republic of the Philistines 7,100 lawless islands – only to get hijacked in the centre of Old Manila’s Rizal Park / Intramuros area – right opposite the Mayor’s office at City Hall – and just up the road from the Ministry of Justice and the main police HQ.

The 12 hour crisis began when a disgrunted former cop, Rocky Mendoza, 55, armed with an M16 assault rifle, seized the busload of Hong Kong tourists as hostages then demanded the Philippine National Police (PNP) hierarchy reinstate him to his previous rank as ‘Inspector’ in ‘Manila’s Finest’ (sic).

According to reports in Manila’s gutter press, Mendoza was among five officers who had been charged with extortion and robbery – resulting in their getting cashiered and losing all pay and retirement benefits - after a Manila hotel chef filed a complaint alleging the venal Plod Squad robbed him of what cash he had on his person and threatened to frame him for drug dealing if he didn’t come up with 200,000 Pesos extra – and all for a dubious traffic parking violation.
An ensuing inquiry into the PNP group’s systematic ‘Hulidap’ misdeeds had uncovered arms sales, drug-dealing, bank heists and protection rackets.

However, back aboard the sweltering tourist siege bus, Mendoza lost his cool and opened fire, killing eight of the hostages and one cop in the assault team - plus wounded a dozen more of the terrified tourists and passers-by - when the PNP’s ‘Naningimi Siege Squad’ negotiators got bored with pissing around in the pouring rain and started jumping up and smashing the tour coach’s curtained windows with rifle butts and hammers – even though they had no ladders or means of gaining access to the inside of the bus.

While the entire situation was going tits up in a bucket and the bullets were flying thick and fast, the Filipino tour bus driver, Juan Gagogo, shouted “Fuck this!” and fled the scene – leaving the bus door wide ajar. When the shabu-snorting and booze inebriated Mendoza appeared on the bus steps with a still smoking rifle cradled under his arm and asked the surrounding police unit if he could have another bottle of San Miguel gin and some more bullets as his M16 was empty, one of the sharpshooters double tapped him before the other obliging officers had chance to offer him a couple of reloaded magazines of 5.56mm rounds and a Ginebra refill – to ensure their overtime duty for that evening.

PNP Senior Superintendent Nelson Tangga told Dildodo Bocaperta, a Manila Bulletin reporter, “I am satisfied at the result – we got our man – even if sometimes the innocent suffer alongside the guilty.”
Conversely the diminutive Philippine President Benigno Aquino Junior - the newly-installed 'Joe 90' look-alike model that replaced Gloria ‘Poison Dwarf’ Macapagal – informed the media "Superintendent Tangga is so full of shit. How can anyone be satisfied with the outcome of this embarrassing snafu when there’s a tour group of Chinese holidaymakers with their guts splattered all over their Happy Holiday bus.”

A fuming Hong Kong Chief Executive, Mr Flip Flop Fong, told reporters in the Chinese territory “What da fuck dese stoopid Pinoy police do, ha? Fuckin’ trigger-happy cowboys!”
On Mr Fong’s instructions, Hong Kong has now issued a warning against travel to the Republic of the Philistines and requested that all HK tourists still in the country return home ASAP – before they too get targeted for an early grave. All upcoming tour groups with operator Risky Biscuit Travel Services of Kowloon were also cancelled.

The incident underscores the risks of travelling and working in a country ranked 130th out of 149 in the Global Peace Index - a measure of factors such as total government-sponsored graft and corruption, violent crimes, access to weapons, separatist insurgencies and political instability – of which the Philippines has more than its fair share of each.
Following Monday’s PNP hostage response squad fiasco, this 130th slot ranking for the Philippines might just be moving closer to a par with Colombia – of cocaine fame – and South Africa - the world’s murder capital title contenders.

However, in a wholly separate incident and just to illustrate and prove that it isn’t only Chinese tourists who get targeted by the Philippine’s burgeoning stock of career psychopaths, a South Korean pastor was shot dead in a highway holdup robbery on his way home from the airport in Manila yesterday.

Oh dear, how sad, tough shit – welcome to the Third World – a syndrome that Mang Pinoy and the poor Philippines has been stuck with since the arrival (wholly uninvited) of the Spanish Conquistadors (second visit) - in Maynila in 1570 when Miguel de Legaspi stepped ashore in the Islas de Ladrones (Islands of Thieves) with his cargo of zealous Jesuit Catholic friars and their big black box of devious Biblical tricks – enough to corrupt a whole multitude – and more.

Thought for the day: Anyone ever heard the almost threadbare joke: What’s the difference between an organised crime syndicate and the Philippine National Police? – absolutely none.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of Hong Kong Chinese tourists suffered involuntary bowel movements.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

US Drones No 1 Kiddie Killers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

President Barky O’Barmy’s Zionist-infested Shite House administration policy of escalating Predator drone strikes against the non-existent Al Qaeda and the very real Taliban took another hit in the negative publicity regions after the explosions from a numpty drone attack against the home of “suspected militants” in Waziristan (a sovereign part of US of A ally Pakistan) also levelled an adjacent ‘building’ filled with women and children – which was known colloquially to neighbouring villagers as “The School”.

The combined human death toll from the blasts of the AGM-114 Hellfire armour penetrating missiles, (which obviously make a total fuck up of the mud brick walls of Afghan hovels – and schools) when all the dismembered ‘bits’ were gathered together and counted came to an excess of 80 persons killed – with a possible body count far exceeding that if the limbs scavenged by vultures and wild dogs were to be rounded up and included.

Pakistani intelligence officials (sic) claim most of the adult male ‘suspects’ killed in the attacks were Afghans visiting the village to attend a wedding - before the US military command decided to turn the joyous occasion into a funeral – just in case any of the group actually were Taliban sympathisers.
While General Billy Bob Betrayus might opine to embedded Western journalists in Kabul “Well, better to be safe than sorry” this type of barbaric pre-emptive butchery hardly serves to respect the rule of ‘law’ nor even recognise their Miranda Rights and the established principles of habeas corpus – or the moral teachings of the Bible.

Ah well, such has now manifested and mutated into the blood-lusting modus operandi of the US military hierarchy (and grunts on the ground) since they slaughtered 3,000-plus of their own civilian citizens in the 9/11 false flag scam with the Israeli psychopaths that reduced the World Trade Centre’s Twin Towers to talc with their top secret directed energy scalar weapons and a few tactical micro-nukes detonated up the central steel cores.

The large numbers of Paki’ civilians (700-plus in 2009) killed by indiscriminate US drone strikes has fuelled considerable anti-American sentiment in Pakistan.
This is without mention of the ‘thousands’ of civilians snuffed by the same in Afghanistan since the country came under attack in the US-UK / NATO illegal invasion following 9/11 - with critics claiming the drones have killed more innocent people there than cholera, smallpox, typhoid, and sneezy pig flu combined.

Tasked to handle payloads of 3,000 pounds of high explosive ordnance – the non-kiddie-friendly variety – and up to a total of 14 AGM-114 Hellfire anti-armour missiles, the Predator B drone can alternately carry laser guided bombs, such as the GBU-12 Paveway Mk 82 - packed with very nasty DIME explosives.

However the control and hostile actions of the General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper Predator drones are all down to the shit-for-brains remote operators – joystick wagglers and red button pressers - based thousands of perfectly sanitary miles away from the piece of shit flying murder machines they’re controlling. A force of operators comprised of the same calibre of conscienceless psychopaths that manned the bathhouses in Auschwitz - turned on the Zyklon B showers and stoked the crematorium furnaces – claiming they were only ‘following orders’.

Conversely, disregarding for a moment the unqualified arrogance of the Pentagon’s ruling JCS goons, the ‘lesson for the day’ here comes from Barky O’Barmy’s current rug-munching Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton – the Matriarch of Arkansas’ Mena Mafia - who shrugs off concerns about the deaths of Iraqi, Afghani and Paki’ civilians with her customary brazen hubris and lack of moral conscience - stating for the public record (and the damning judgement of history) where so-called ‘collateral damage’ is concerned “Hey, who really gives a flying fuck – these people have to realise there’s a war going on.”

Hmmm, something her artful draft-dodging hubby Bronco Bill judiciously overlooked during the Vietnam War years when he sneaked off to Canada to preserve his craven arse.
Too, such a pity that the recent wedding of her piranha-jawed daughter Chumpy or Chelsea, whatever, didn’t get targeted by something that went bang – so that Mummy and all the guests might also be persuaded to realise the pains of those in Afghanistan - and Waziristan - that somewhere in the world ‘there’s a war going on’.

Do you live in Afghanistan or the Waziristan area? Have you ever been to a Pashtun wedding or funeral that got blitzed by a US Predator drone?

Send your comments and fireside DGPS coordinates using the online reply form below and you could get a surprise Hellfire package down your chimney courtesy of Uncle Sam – the Kiddie Murder Man.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of wedding guests and undertakers were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Fuck the US military and NATO - and their New World Order.

Thursday 26 August 2010

Dr Patel: Oetzi Death Was Hit & Run

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The General Medical Council, conducting an inquiry into allegations of gross incompetence filed against Dr Freddy Patel for his flawed examination of G20 murder victim Ian Tomlinson, have ruled that his conduct had also been proven to be irresponsible in earlier, unrelated examinations and not of the standard expected of a Home Office-registered forensic pathologist.

Following the highly controversial illegal killing of Ian Tomlinson, an innocent passer-by returning home via a route that bordered the G20 demonstrations on April 1st 2009, where he was subjected to an unprovoked vicious attack by PC Ghengis McThugg of the Met’s Territorial Sadists Unit, the City of London coroner Professor Irwin Bogbrush appointed Dr Mohmed Saeed Sulema Patel to conduct the first post mortem examination.

Widely known as Freddy Patel, at the time of Tomlinson's death he was a member of the Home Office register of accredited forensic pathologists. Patel qualified as a doctor at the University of Zambia’s prestigious Veterinarians College in 1974, and was licensed to practice as a ‘horse doctor’ in the UK in 1988. Due some mix up of certifcations and paperwork, from that year onwards, he conducted post mortems for the Home Office, the RSPCA and the Department of Agriculture.

In 1999 Patel was reprimanded by the General Medical Council (GMC) for releasing to gutter press hacks the post mortem details of Jacko Scrunt, a man who croaked while in police custody. Patel informed the red top tabloid reporters that Scrunt was a crack cocaine user who had died of a drug overdose – wholly overlooking the fact he was found hanging from his cell’s ceiling by his thumbs – with a truncheon jammed up his back passage.

In 2002, the Met’ were forced to drop a criminal inquiry due the fact Patel stated the victim, Candida Mingerot, had died of a heart attack with no signs of violence, though she was discovered naked with extensive bruising to her body, an obvious blunt trauma injury to her head, and a series of vampirish bite marks on her upper thighs.
A certain Vlad Dracula, a mentally ill alcoholic who lived in the flat in which Ms Mingerot’s body was found in the refrigerator, went on to murder several more women thanks to Dr Patel’s incompetent post mortem report.

In 2005 Dr Patel was invited by the British Museum to inspect the body of the famous Oetzi the Iceman, a 5,000 year old Bronze Age mummified corpse discovered embedded in an Austrian glacier.
Dr Patel’s post-mortem examination of ‘Frozen Fritz’ recorded that he had been dead for some time, possibly several days – then wholly ignoring the arrow protruding from the rear of his left shoulder and the massive hole in his torso caused by being gored with the tusk of a rampaging mammoth, determined Oetzi's death was caused by a hit and run accident.

The first ‘dodgy’ post-mortem examination - performed by Dr Patel, acting for the Met - recorded that G20 victim Ian Tomlinson had died of natural causes linked to coronary artery disease, advanced cirrhosis of the liver and his addiction to Dolly Mixtures – with no ‘significant marks of violence’ that may have contributed to his mortal demise.

This prompted Sir Basil Fuctifino, the GMC panel chairman, to raise the question with Dr Patel “If there were ‘no significant marks of violence’ in your view, by implication there were some marks of violence present – hence why did you ignore the extensive lesions and bruises to his legs, upper body and head inflicted by PC Ghengis McThugg that were noted in the ensuing ‘two’ post mortems performed after your own – that determined Mr Tomlinson had died of internal bleeding as a result of blunt force trauma?”

Satisfactory answers to this point were conspicuous by their absence in forthcoming.

Sir Basil then duly endorsed the GMC report with the damning comment "Applying the facility of 20/20 hindsight in reflecting on the actual cause of death in the illegal killing of Ian Tomlinson now raises the most serious questions about how and why Freddy Patel's appointment to carry out the vital first post-mortem on the deceased could have been approved by the City of London Police.”

Remonstrating the GMC’s decision to have him struck from the Medical Practitioners Register, Dr Patel told reporters “This is so typical of English Freemasonry and has a racist motivation to besmear my good name. I am eminently qualified as a pathologist, having watched every episode of CSI since the first episode was screened in October 2000 – and I even have the full eleven broadcast series on DVD – over 230 episodes. Now, you tell me, how many other practicing Home Office pathologists in London can claim to have watched more CSI shows than I have.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

MI6 Spy Death Possibly Murder

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) employee whose body was found inside a holdall in the bath of his London flat may have been dead at least two weeks, according to investigating officers from the Met Plod Squad’s forensic team.

Police broke into the property after fellow spies and colleagues of MI6’s ‘Hush-Hush’ division at their Vauxhall Cross headquarters reported that Welsh secret agent Owen Jones had been neither seen nor heard from for at least a period of 10 days when he had no holiday time off booked.

The holdall containing Jones’ body was discovered in the bath of his top-floor flat in Felo de Se Street, Pimlico, central London, on Monday afternoon.
Due the 35 stab wounds in the deceased’s back, Plod Squad investigators are now reconsidering if their earlier speculative opinions of suicide or death by misadventure will stand up to a coroner’s post mortem examination.

Det Supt Irwin Fuctifino told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “At first we thought it could have been an accidental death type of thing – one of those sexual fetish whatsits gone wrong – as his body was trussed up in a bin bag with his hands tie-wrapped behind his back – and ankles tie-wrapped too. Then he was inside the holdall and zipped right up – foetus-like - with the whole affair plonked neatly in the bath."

"Anyways, then it suddenly dawned on us that he couldn’t have zipped the bag up himself while he was inside it. Then, like a bolt out of the blue, Det Sgt Bazzer Bogbrush exclaims “No shit – I reckon he might have been murdered!" Now that’s what you call intuitive detective work.”

“Well, at least he was afforded the luxury of being bumped off in the comfort of his own home and not some damp windy outdoors location like the Grassy Knoll Woods – same as that poor Dr Kelly bloke. Very thoughtful of the party that did snuff him too – putting the body in the bath so there’d be no nasty bloodstains on the nice Indian carpets. We at the Met appreciate the professionalism of little touches such as that.”

Mrs Hilda Tiitwank, who lives opposite Mr Jones in Felo de Se Street, informed reporters from the gutter press tabloids that she hadn’t seen her neighbour around for almost two weeks.
“Last time I saw him he woz talkin’ ter some raghead beardie types wot had come knockin’ on his front door one night. I thought they might have bin Moron missionaries or Jehovah’s Witnesses at first, especially wiv the AK47 assault rifles they woz carryin’.”

“Bein’ a bit of a nosey old bugger I woz peepin’ round me curtains cos there woz eff’ all on the telly – so I woz sizin’ up wot Owen the Spy woz doin’ – whether it woz the pizza delivery lad givin’ him a quickie blow job or some renta-whore massage chick comin’ around fer some rug and tug – then lo and behold it’s Big Al Qaeda an’ his mate Taliban Dan standin’ there havin’ a chat about fuck knows what.”

“They might have bin tryin’ ter sell Owen double glazin’ or a new gas central heatin’ boiler – or insurance. Anyways, next thing they shove a black bag over Owen’s head an’ give him a kickin’- then the bloody lot of ‘em bugger off inside and that woz the last I saw of them until they carted his body out on a luggage trolley this mornin’.”

Do you live in the area? Did you see any dodgy darkies or Jolly Jihadi types around? Did you know Jones the Spy personally? Was he really a double agent? Could you recognise Taliban Dan or Big Al Qaeda if they came knocking at your door trying to sell double glazing or comprehensive household insurance? Would you buy a second-hand comby gas boiler from a couple of dodgy Jihadi types? Can you keep a secret? Do you ever kiss and tell?

Send your comments using the British Patriots Only online reply form below and you might just receive a job offer from Vauxhall Cross.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Forced Sterilisations for Numpties

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush is to chair a live debate in which the Fabian Society’s principal eugenics and euthanasia advocate Professor David ‘Boggy’ Marshland proposes to not only defend, but also vindicate his view that the mentally and morally unfit should be irreversibly sterilised - and a British court of law - manned by moronic magistrates with zero legal training - tasked to enforce this just like an Asbo or community service order.

Prof. Marshland is Emeritus Scholar of Kafkaesque Studies at Brunel University, London; and Professorial Research Fellow for Totalitarian Control via Social Progressivism at the University of Fuckingham; plus an affiliated consultant to Common Purpose, the social engineering Gestapo that poses as a do-gooder Utopian charity.

Marshland, renown for his Nazi-themed views that the only way to prevent the abuse and neglect of children whose parents are incapable of looking after them is to stop them from being born in the first place – or hand them over to the State machine at birth to be proselytized as model citizens – and serve as sex slaves to the Masonic establishment’s ruling ranks of hetero’ paedophiles and ‘Boy’s Own’ arse bandit kiddie fiddlers – and the occasional Satanic blood sacrifice oblation.

Marshland’s sophistry states it should be open to corrupt police and social workers bent on some personal brownie points mission to recommend to an equally venal judiciary that any child they deem ‘in need of care’ (blonde, blue-eyed virgin type) should be snatched from their parents and institutionalised in a state orphanage – and said parents duly sterilised to prevent the conception of further low IQ social pariahs.

Much of the above recipe might well be illustrated by the current Hollie Greig paedophile abuse case where her own father had been sexually molesting her for years – along with a fair selection of Aberdeen’s perverted Masonic establishment worthies – police, school teachers, doctors, nurses, social workers, members of the local judiciary – including the Sheriff himself - plus the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker and Uncle Tom Cobley and all. And when her Uncle had the audacity to complain he was murdered by members of the above – with them returning a verdict of suicide – plus Hollie's mother illegally sectioned under the Mental Health Act for having the audacity to file an official complaint.

So, this is where Marshland’s prescription for a Utopian society falls on its arse – when the corrupt vagaries and capricious notions of human nature become involved.

Further, there’s nothing innovative about his idea – selectively euthanizing society’s drop-outs or misfits worked pretty well for Hitler, Stalin and Mao – and a variety of other lesser-known despots since time immemorial. However, our much-vaunted moralist advances to this high point – this ‘zenith’ of our ‘civilisation’ (sic) should be able to provide some worthy alternative to “Off with his bollocks!”

So, we are compelled to inquire, who will comprise the ranks of Professor Marshland’s ‘mentally and morally unfit’? Window lickers in general? The physically disabled? Drug addicts and alcoholics? Common criminals? Prostitutes? Transvestites? Plus of course the parents of such ‘societal abominations’. Any mention of kiddie fiddlers in Prof. Marshland’s index?

Perhaps our man wholly overlooks – or ignores – the blatantly obvious factor that it’s only one short step for the New World Order's officialdom to include any fucker and their dog - the old and infirm - and those suffering with Alzheimer’s who can’t even remember what ‘mentally and morally unfit’ means – and then where does it stop. Obviously it doesn’t – not according to the historical record.
Hitler soon expanded the Nazi hit list to Gyppo’s, Pikeys, Slavs, darkies – and of course the Jews - considered by the Nazi hierarchy of being mentally and morally unfit for membership of the human race – and especially so ‘Aryan’ society due their obsession with things kosher, money lending and usury, snipping off foreskins – and their whingeing portrayal of themselves as the eternal victims.

Mentally or morally unfit – hmmm, now there’s a broad field to apply this criteria to – apart from the morons and cretins comprising the ranks of the general population. How about anarchists in general and nihilists in particular - and anyone else who disagrees with what the government says – or has the sheer nerve and audacity to question their motives and the veracity of their disingenuous statements - is to be classified and sectioned as stark raving bonkers or a domestic terrorist.

The debate is to be aired on the BBC’s ‘Despot’s Hour’ and challenging Marshland’s insane views will be several specialists in their own related fields - including Jack McScrunt of the Window Lickers Union, and a selection of prostitutes, junkies, alkies, kiddie fiddlers, serial killers and rapists, - plus a team of officers from the Met’s Plod Squad to protect Prof. Marshland.

Viewers of the programme are invited to join in the debate via emails and text-messages – offering your opinions of who decides if Prof Marshland is mentally and morally qualified to propose his sterilisation programme – and should his nadgers get snipped off first.

Hmmm, one is prompted to speculate if Marshland is aware that while Orwell’s ‘1984’ provides insights to what a Dystopian state might manifest as, the book in itself was never meant to be used as an instruction manual – Totalitarianism for Dummies.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy, testicles and Fallopian tubing.

Wednesday 25 August 2010

Cat’s Outa de Bag – Thanks to CCTV

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The psychotic moggy-hater who tossed poor Tiddles the cat into a Coventry wheelie bin might well have her infraction of the Bible’s moral code ignored by the local Plod Squad who claim she’s hasn’t committed a crime. However she’s in the RSPCA’s retribution sights for cruelty to an animal – plus those of the local council too - for dumping a live animal into a ‘green’ wheelie bin strictly reserved for garden waste – which carries a £75 quid on the spot fine.

Manky moggy mauler Mary McScum of Shitbag Terraces, Coventry, yesterday admitted dumping a family's pet puss into a wheelie bin - but declared “So wot’s all the fuckin’ fuss about – it’s only an effin’ cat."
“Only a cat” regardless, the lard-arsed spinster faces a likely RSPCA prosecution after the shock CCTV footage shows her looking around as she petted the cat into a false sense of security, ensuring nobody was watching, then tossing the hapless feline into an adjacent wheelie bin – where it was trapped for 15 hours - an act she now claims was done for a ‘bit of a laugh’.

Millions of animal lovers were sickened by the video after it was posted on the internet and pet aficionados from as far away as Afghanistan, New Zealand, Tahiti, Iceland and Tierra del Fuego have since levelled online death threats.
McScum has also been warned her name has been added to an Al Qaeda hit list – plus she’s had an Islamic fatwa (death sentence) issued against her by the moggy-loving Imam of Islamabad, who lost his pet puss in the recent floods.

Police empathy might be lacking for the ordeal of Tiddles, yet contrarily their concern for the welfare and safety of the dastardly moggy abuser grew as her personal details were posted online and a Facebook group demanded "Death to Mary McScum" – with one post urging "This woman should have her wrists slashed with a blunt gardening knife then get her arse dumped in a wheelie bin up in the Grassy Knoll Woods where nobody can hear her screams."

One reporter and his camera crew from the Daily Shitraker tracked down 45-year-old McScum to her Shitbag Terraces home on Coventry’s Asbo Central Housing Estate - less than half a mile from where she grabbed and assaulted Tiddles the cat.
However when questioned by the reporter for the reasons prompting her cruel act, the psychopathic McScum, a customer services assistant at the Royal Bank of Shitland, threw back her head and laughed hysterically, before stating for the record “You bastards are abusing my human rights puttin’ this fuckin’ CCTV video footage on the internet so its seen around the world. This shit is unbelievable. I'm a very private person and don't want people filmin’ me on spy cameras when I’m out fer a bit of moggy baitin’”

McScum now faces losing her job at the Royal Bank of Shitland, telling amused reporters "I've had me effin’ boss ringin’ up every five fuckin’ minutes ter ask me wot the fuck’s happenin’ an’ I've had ter talk ter the bank's security people about wot the fuck ter do if the nutters wot’s seen the CCTV on Facebook an’ YouTube come round ter snuff me or throw a bomb through me effin’ winders.”

“That’s the only bit of real pleasure I gets in me life –torturin’ small furry animals – apart from refusin’ people’s bank loan applications an’ foreclosin’ on their mortgages cos they’re a month late with the payments. Considerin’ all the shit I’m getting’ over this I wish I'd never set eyes on the cat.”

Hmmm, much as the cat no doubt feels about Ms McScum, after suffering a 15 hour bout incarcerated in a wheelie bin.

McScum was caught on CCTV cameras rigged up by Tiddle's owners Steph and Dilbert Fuctifino for additional household security. In a bid to trace the culprit, Steph, a seventeen-year old mother of three, posted the video on YouTube, where it has been viewed by more than 100,000 people in the UK alone – and a total of 175 million world-wide.

Steph Fuctifino urged the West Midlands Plod Squad to stop spying on Paki’ terrorist suspects and take a real villain – McScum – to court for a change - for animal cruelty, stating: "To think someone living near us could be a closet psychopath and do this gives me the goosebumps. What’s she thinking of next – dumping someone’s baby in a wheelie bin?"

Described by work colleagues and neighbours alike as being as much fun as a course of chemotherapy – and “a cunt in cunt’s clothing”, apparently McScum claims to be partially disabled due being born without a personality.

Thought for the day: Who do you think let the cat out of the bag?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

Is The Stig Really Lord Lucan?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rabid Rupert Mudrock’s HarperCollins Publishing and the BBC have kick started a court battle over a book that is set to reveal the identity of Flop Gear's Star Wars Imperial Trooper look-alike - The Stig.
Junior barristers for both sides appeared in London's High Court on Monday for a cat-calling, pushing, shoving, scratching and hair pulling display of juvenile one-upmanship histrionics after the BBC confirmed it was trying to halt the book’s publication on the grounds of breaching contractual and confidentiality obligations.

According to evidence presented by the Beeb’s Flop Gear producers, the Stig never removes his helmet on the BBC Two show – a fact reinforced by his wife, a certain Mrs Candida Stig, who told reporters “He’s had that effin’ helmet on since he got the job – he even wears it in bed and when we’re havin’ a shag. Lucky I enjoy fetish sex, eh. Anyways, why the fuck should the bleedin’ public get ter know his identity when even his own wife can’t remember wot he looks like.”

HarperCollins spokeswoman Beverly Titwank told the media "We are disappointed that the BBC has chosen to waste licence fee payers' money on high-priced lawyers to suppress our new book, but we will vigorously defend our perfectly legitimate right to publish."

Conversely BBC spokesperson Fellattia Gammer said: "This situation has come about as a result of an attempt by Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation attempting to sensationalise and profit from unauthorised use of the Flop Gear brand, the BBC's biggest and most watched show in the UK and across the known Universe.”

The Stig's identity has puzzled fans for years with many speculating the role is shared by several drivers – and that he could even be Darth Vader.
Nazi war criminal and former Auschwitz commandant Helmut van der Kuntt was the original Stig, wearing black overalls and full face helmet for his appearances – until he was recognised by the SS blood group tattoo on his left arm and duly kidnapped by Mossad to face a kangaroo court in Tel Aviv.

The Beeb then recruited a replacement - one who wasn’t on any Nuremberg Tribunal wanted list – and the current Stig, dressed all in white, took over.
While his identity generates more wrong guesses than a pub quiz night contest, one persisting theory is that ‘Stig Mk 2’ might well be the elusive and fugitive celebrity nanny-basher Lord Lucky Lucan.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

UK Paki’s Lead Paki’ Flood Aid Donations

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Dr Ramjam Blabberwocky, the head of the UN’s Disasters Emergency Committee, states the generosity of the British public in helping Pakistan's flood victims is shaming politicians around the world.
Well, of course, nothing really surprising there when you consider the fact that there’s more Paki’s living across the length and breadth of the UK with a few bob to spare than there are in Pakistan.

Brendan Gormless, the DEC’s UK-based representative, informed one reporter from the Sink or Swim Gazette that the British public were leading the way in donations, but that further funds were urgently needed to pay their administrative bonuses this Christmas for doing such a good job of begging for relief aid.

Gormless claimed that while the response of the UK government was to be respected, other nations had been slow to react to the situation in Pakistan that was continuing to affect more than 20 million people. However, the DEC's Pakistan Floods Appeal has now raised more than £30 million quid in the UK alone – which currently worked out at £1.50p each for every one of the 20 million people affected by the floods – just enough to get a bowl of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles, a bag of pork scratchings and a bottle of 85% de-silted Indus River water.

Sapphie Goedemich of Ox-Rat, the international environmental and human rights and wrongs watchdog, claimed the Pakistan appeal was not just for one disaster.
"It is an appeal for a catastrophe that consists of all the everyday mini-disasters that make up the basket case country of Pakistan.”
"But if we put all of this together, what we have is a single, long event that has the scale of Hurricane Katrina, the Asian tsunami, the devastation of Haiti, and the complexity of the Middle East war zone situation. In fact anything related to United States military strikes or when they choose to bash some Third World shithole or emerging economy with that evil HAARP weather wars cum earthquake and tidal wave generating machine of theirs in Alaska."

Really, if it wasn’t for bad luck Pakistan simply wouldn’t have any at all. Personally, we at the office here have had a whip-round and come up with some stellar gear to donate. Several pairs of wellies, a couple of sou’-westers, a boxful of buckets, a second-hand wetsuit, two Billy Pugh buoyancy vests, three pairs of trainer water wings – and last but not least – a ‘waterproof’ copy of ‘Swimming for Dummies – How to Save Yourself from Drowning in Six Easy Lessons’.

As Harold MacMillan - the Tory Prime Minister of the day once pronounced – or was it Tommy Trinder? - “You lucky people! – you’ve never had it so good!”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Tuesday 24 August 2010

Phoney Pharaoh Burns Royal Warrants

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Former Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed, the cartoonesque phoney baloney Pharaoh of Shitesbridge who sold the prestigious department store for £1.5 zillion quid to the Al Thani crime syndicate rulers of the Persian Gulf desert state of Qatar in May, has revealed to gobsmacked reporters he purposely, and with malice aforethought, destroyed the store's ‘Royal Warrants’ in 2002.

The Egyptian-born tycoon - who likes to boast of his own ‘royal’ descent from Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Neferteabag, the 18th Dynasty rulers who innovated the first ‘Pyramid Selling’ schemes – and still holds the international patent for ‘Sphinx Cat Food’ - informed a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that the endorsements, from the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales and the late Queen Mother, were a "curse" on the store – and that Harrods didn’t need a bunch of murdering Greek-German mongrel reptilian lizard trash as customers.

“I sat there, on my throne one March afternoon, smoking a big cigar and burned the warrants one at a time in the ashtray - as revenge for them murdering Di’ and Dodi – and refusing to give me a British passport. I burned the old bag’s last – the Queen Mother’s – and watched it smoulder away – then she died a couple of days later and our business turn-over tripled. Insh’Allah akbar!”

Harrods, today the second greatest London tourist attraction after Big Ben, was first presented with a royal warrant in 1913 by King George V, who used to have his proprietary brand of haemorrhoid ointment blended in the pharmacy department. Each individual warrant, issued for supplying boots, saddles and a wide selection of riding crops, whips and serf cudgels, thumbscrews, slave yokes, shackles and chains, vibrating sexual aids and other ‘personal’ goods to the British royal family, was reviewed every five years and re-issued where applicable.

At the time Al Fayed claims he decided to not request the renewal of the warrants since neither the Queen, nor Prince Philip, nor the bat-eared Prince of Wales had shopped there since they ordered Princess Di’ terminated with extreme prejudice for getting preggers from shagging a Muslim. Hence he considered continuing to display them would have been totally misleading and a piece of consummate hypocrisy.

“They were a curse and business tripled after I had burned them – and then my Israeli Prime Minister friend Binman Nuttyahoo called up and said he could get Mossad to issue me with a British passport any time I needed one.”

“So bollocks to Britain – I shall now retire to my Hotel Ritz in Paris and chat to my good friend Nikky Teacozy, the little Prime Minister. He is very cute and tells me I can have French citizenship and a passport any time I like – in exchange for one of my fat brown envelopes. This is what Britain needs – more politicians like Nikki – and Neil Hamilton.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of 18th Dynasty lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

NAC Slammed as Spendthrift Scamsters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Acts of blatant profligacy at the National Audit Commission have been targeted and zeroed in on by Communities Secretary Eric Prickles, who informed the Daily Shitraker “We reckoned the NAC might just get its act together once Sir John Bourn was forced off his Chairman’s seat after 20 years of scandalously abusing
his personal expenditures. Obviously we were wrong as much the same continues to this day – hence I intend to ‘decommission’ the commission within the next few months.”

While the abolition of the NAC will mean the sacking or re-trenching of its bloated staff of 2,000 jobsworths currently manning 37 offices across the UK, Secretary Prickles announced “In terms of people working for the Audit Commission, almost certainly we are looking for them to be able to continue in another form of local government employment - sweeping the roads or signing on as traffic wardens or Community Enforcement Stasi, perhaps. Basically somewhere they don’t have any further access to, or control over, the nation’s money box.”

While the current NAC chairman Michael O'Piggins, in a typical desperate act of self-preservation, refuted claims by the government that he has overseen a regime of extravagance, Secretary Prickles countered with “The greedy grasping twat tried to award himself a salary of £240,000 quid a year – plus expenses. Then he blows £8,000 nicker on a day at the Newmarket races, watching the donkeys run round the track – and all paid for out of the taxpayer’s pocket. A value-for-money governmental oversight body this is not. Believe you me - we can save £200 million a year simply by scrapping this ‘deadwood’ department of leeches and hangers-on.”

However the biggest stickler that might well have proved an unintentional felo-de-se for Mr O’Piggins is the fact he ‘dissed’ his future Minister by paying £60,000 to a company of lobbyists for advice on “how to combat and nullify the austere regulatory activities of Tory shadow Communities Secretary Eric Prickles”.

So, while O’Piggins and other high and mighty mandarins at the NAC might cry “Foul!” the public spending watchdog - tasked with scrutinising local government - has now become the highest-profile victim of the government's austerity drive.
And a victim of their own design since exasperating the government by refusing to allow any and all expenses over £500 to be published as part of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society transparency drive.

Further exasperation stems from the fact that Prickles’ staff now refer to the NAC as a total doss house due the numerous occasions when they called their main London office well before the end of the working day to question the Soviet-style diktats they were issuing cart blanche to local government bodies - and the place was deserted.

Upon its abolition next year, it is intended that the National Audit Commission's powers will be hived off to auditors in the private and public sectors – based in Dehli.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Monday 23 August 2010

Kelly Murder: A Textbook Suicide Case

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Dr Nicholas Scrunt, the Home Office accredited forensic pathologist who first examined the deceased body of controversial UN weapons inspector David Kelly where it was discovered in the Grassy Knoll Woods close to his Poxfordshire home in 2003, has gone public in castigating a group of certified medical experts who have had the audacity to contradict and question his post mortem conclusions – terming their speculations concerning Kelly’s death as ‘conspiracy theories’ and treating it like a game of Cluedo.

Scrunt told a reporter from the Coverups Gazette that “This was a textbook self-inflicted injury case and quite determined too – slashing his wrist with a blunt pruning penknife – he obviously wanted to suffer and feel the pain otherwise he’d have sharpened it first or chosen one of those serrated blade kitchen knives – or a box cutter.”
“This was no doubt his conscience troubling him for grassing up the Prime Minister and his Downing Street mates and claiming their Iraqi weapons of mass distraction dossier was ‘spiced up’ and a pack of porky pies. A fitting end for a government employee turned Judas.”

“I was the one who performed the autopsy and had first-hand experience of Dr Kelly’s felo-de se - and all this speculation and rot concerning minimal blood loss is rubbish. I noticed several big thick clots around the suicide area – and by this I do mean blood and not members of the moronic Plod Squad.”

Dr Hunt told the Sunday Shitraker that during the ten minute post mortem examination he found no signs of violence that would indicate foul play or murder caused Kelly’s death – apart from a black eye, split lips, several smashed teeth and a variety of bruises about the head, torso and legs. “Really, his arteries were 70% constricted and a condition of chronic heart disease so advanced that he could have keeled over and died at any moment – so committing suicide obviously saved him a great deal of ill-health and suffering further down the road.”
“Then we have his personal statement to a colleague the previous day – stating “I’ll probably be found dead in the woods” – which is an obvious indication of his intent of self-harm.”

However the controversy stems from the fact that PM Tony Bliar stuck his oar in the normal workings of officialdom, bypassed the expected embarrassing revelations of a public coroner's inquest and cajoled the toadying Lord Brian Muttonleg of Chappaquiddick to conduct an investigation, which found Dr Kelly died from blood loss after slashing his wrist with a blunt gardening knife.

Lord Muttonchop then decided that details of the post-mortem examination would be subject to a 70-year ‘gagging order – to protect the sensibilities of Dr Kelly’s family – stressing to the media at the time that there was "nothing to hide".

Fair comment – but if there was ‘nothing to hide' – why hide it at all – and especially so under a dodgy 70 year duration ‘Whitewash Notice’?

And that is precisely one of a number of contentious factors now being considered by the Attorney General Dominic Grieve, who spoke to a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette on Thursday, opining "We would like to resolve this in a way that might serve to provide the public with reassurance that the Labour government under Tony Bliar weren’t actually a bunch of cold-blooded thugs – well, not all of them anyway.”
“A lot of people have expressed valid concerns about why Lord Hutton did not tie up all the loose ends hanging around his inquiry alike conspicuous cobwebs and these need to be cleared up once and for all.”

Right on, Dominic old chap. Loose ends indeed. The Thames Valley police’s Operation Mason – codename for the search for Dr Kelly – logged on their computers and commenced hours before the doomed Doctor was actually reported missing.
The theft of his personal home pc by police, then the same officers ripping the wallpaper off in his study - did they actually believe he was hiding underneath it?
Then we have the enigmatic dilemma of Dr Kelly’s partially-disabled right hand which prevented him from holding a pen – never mind gripping a blunt pruning knife while he sawed through his left wrist. Hmmm, the same blunt gardening penknife that didn’t bear Kelly’s fingerprints.

Then we have the damning statement and evidence from Dr Nicholas Scrunt himself that the presence of hypostasis (discoloration caused by blood settling to the lowest part of the body after death occurs - also termed livor mortis or post mortem lividity) indicated Kelly was lying on his back when he died – hence the body was obviously moved as it was ‘discovered’ sat up against a tree.
Now that fact alone is almost as weird as the fact that Dr Kelly had reportedly ingested 29 of his wife’s Coproxamol pain killers when only one-fifth of a single tablet was found in his gut.

So typical - yet another botched job by the security services – the blokes who are supposed to protect us all. 9/11 – 7/7 – and how many more yet to come we wonder? Who actually trains these clowns cos James Bond – or the other JB - Jason Bourne - they are not. Ricin bombs, shampoo and peroxide bombs, high explosive skidmarks in a Muslim patsy’s jockey shorts. Shoe bombs that fizzle.
They can’t even tell a Mid-Eastern jihadi terrorist from a Brazilian electrician for Christ’s sake – never mind demonstrating their total ignorance of human anatomy in the manner they slashed David Kelly’s left wrist.

Do you live in the area? Were you in the Grassy Knoll Woods on the afternoon of the 17th July 2003? Did you receive any e-mails from Dr Kelly? If you volunteered to ‘assist’ Dr Kelly with his suicide attempt the Poxfordshire police would like to hear from you.

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a copy of Tony Bliar’s new autobiography “Porky Pies” and be entered in our “Who’s Next?” dodgy dossiers quiz.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and location so the SIS know just where to find you.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

BP Caught Telling Mega-Porkies

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Seven Sisters oil giant BP – about as popular as a leper at a christening at the best of times – has broken the 11th Commandment – ‘Thou Shalt Not Get Found Out’ - and been caught telling massive porkie pies concerning the actual status and discharge flow rate of the gushing oil leak caused by a British Navy submarine torpedoing the Transocean Deepshit Horizon drilling rig’s wellhead – to create a social-engineering eco-disaster to serve the New World Order agenda.

More lies are being churned out of the Prevarication Mill to counter the legions of awkward questions that are being raised over the bill of health of the Gulf waters, the surrounding coastlines, and sea life (oysters, mussels, shrimps, crabs, fish etc et al) – contaminated with crude oil, methyl hydrates and the highly toxic Coreshite 9500 and 9527 oil dispersants – present on the surface and accumulated on the sea bed (and in the bicuspids and crustaceans) – which BP now claim are back to their original (sic) pristine condition.

Complicit in these coverup crimes is the entire US government for suppressing the truth and conniving with BP to criminally deceive the public into believing the coastal zones are safe to swim and fish - and the sea food fit for human consumption.
Those guilty of this mass cover-up also includes the entire Zionist –owned TV and press media, the judiciary and police departments involved - plus the US Coast Guard – all of whom have become tainted by Mammon’s lucre.

As if to kick start the week with a pack of lies, on Monday, August 9th, the Director of the State of Mississippi Department of Marine Resources Billy Bob Dorkberger, despite ongoing reports of tar balls, oil and dispersants being found in Mississippi coastal waters and on the sea bed, declared, "there should be no new threats - the Gulf coastal waters are safe and clean" – and issued an order for all local coast governments to halt ongoing oil disaster work being funded from the $25 million bucks BP had allocated to Mississippi state administration for local government disaster work.

Dorkberger’s statement comes in the face of reports by fishermen and scientists of discovering oil slicks and massive fish and sea bird kills near Cat Island and in the Mississippi Sound - and also submerged oil plumes in Pass Christian – with the Coreshite 9500 and 9527 contamination present in all samples – and potent enough to kill a big brown dog.
Mississippi residents and fishermen alike believe Dorkberger's move stems from an order given by Governor Haley Bagashit, who has been heavily criticized over the years for his lobbying on behalf of the Tobacco and Oil industries – and recently being seen walking around wearing a BP baseball cap.

However, and perhaps unsurprisingly, considering the graft and corruption so inherent in US politics, while a mere $500,000 worth of invoices for oil response work have been submitted to the state of Mississippi nobody seems to know the whereabouts of the remaining $24,500,000 – plus change.

To emphasise the fact that misery loves company and if it wasn’t for bad luck then BP wouldn’t have any, the NOAA has been under fire from independent scientists and Congress for its dodgy wildcat conclusions and failing to explain how it processed the raw data and methodology to arrive at its disingenuous calculations – hence fuelling the speculation they have been deliberately concealing negative data and spinning the science of the oil spill.

White House claims that the worst of the BP oil spill was over were undermined yesterday when a senior government scientist finally admitted the blatantly – and visibly – obvious fact - that three-quarters of the oil is still in the Gulf environment and huge plumes of oil have been detected floating, suspended, in the ocean depths.
This was a 180 degree about-face in departing from their official statement of two weeks ago which declared the majority of the oil had been captured or broken down – complying with the NOAA admission that it is still in the environment and actively polluting all sea life.

Professor Sheldon Weaselberg, a senior scientist at the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration, conceded that the Coreshite 9500 and 9527 toxic dispersants had been used to ‘sink’ the surface oil slicks which had now accumulated in submerged ‘floating’ masses - and on the Gulf sea bed – admitting the veracity of one independent environment report from Ox-Rat, the international eco-watchdog, that a gigantic super-toxic oil plume the size of Manhattan - 22 miles long by 1.2 miles wide and 650 feet thick - was suspended in the Gulf waters off the Mississippi coastline.

As shrimper Uncle Cletus Jaffacake of Biloxi told Truthout “It’s all a pile of bullshit wot dese government bitches is spoutin’ – ya see dat O’Barmy guy – de Kenyan cuckoo wot’s squattin’ in de White House – de Mista Hope an’ Change hypocrite – takin a swim in de Gulf – but he’s round at some private beach in Florida.”
“Red eyes an’ sore throats be fucked - clearin’ dis shit up off de beaches fer minimum wage an’ dey fire ya sad ass if ya wear a breathin’ mask. Y’all jest wait until de galloping cancerous tumours start ter sprout an' rot ya organs - an’ de DNA damage shows up in de next generation ter be born – an’ all de kids is lookin’ like Blinkie - and sterile ter boot. An’ do BP or de government really give a flyin’ fuck if we all die? Hell no.”
“Hey, no shit, we’s all gonna be starved ter death by then anyways without de Gulf ter supply our livelihoods an’ food.”

Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Sunday 22 August 2010

Yobette Guilty of War Memorial Desecration

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A woman has been found guilty of outraging public decency after she was caught urinating and performing a lesbian sex act on another female against the Slackpool-on-Sea War Memorial.
Chlamydia McSlutt, a 17-year old mother of three and resident of Scumborough Hamlets, was found guilty in her absence of outraging public decency and desecrating the war memorial after she failed to appear in court. The judge at Slackpool Magistrates' Court issued a warrant for her arrest without bail.

The breach of the peace incident, which took place on the night of May 7th, was recorded on an adjacent CCTV camera. Following her initial arrest and being charged with outraging public decency, Ms McSlutt’s statement claims she had been out on a bender with a group of lesbian friends from the Temple of Sapphic Love on Dildodo Street – namely Minjeeta Dykeford, Fellattia Gammer and Butch Bev Titwank - to celebrate her divorce from 19-year old career yob and welfare benefit cheat Wayne Scrunt.

The foursome had reportedly consumed several pints of Old Headbanger lager in the Tribbers Arms before hitting the Blue WKD and Meths Breezers, then decided to wander down to the Godemiche Club for a nightcap. This was where McSlutt was taken short and to prevent pissing in her knickers took a squatting leak behind the war memorial.
While she was in this crouched position an inebriated Ms Titwank - a backing singer for the Scissor Sisters - staggered over and, hoisting her skirts, thrust her naked pelvic region into McSlutt’s face, saying “Eat me baby” – to which request the CCTV camera recorded her compliance of muff diving her companion.

War veterans were outside the town’s magistrate’s court yesterday and shouted abuse at McSlutt as she passed to enter the building, her hoodie pulled far down to cover her face. However the cat calls and jeers got the better of her and she about-turned and disappeared into the town – giving the assembled veterans the big finger over her shoulder.

McSlutt’s accompanying girl friend, Minjeeta Dykeford spit the dummy at ogling reporters and the veterans, shouting “What the fuck was Chlammy supposed ter do then – piss down her effin’ legs an’ play wiv the steam? Every fucker an’ their dog’s go a mobile phone now so there’s hardly any BT phone boxes about ter take an emergency slash in – an’ it’s a bit gross ter go pissin’ in shop doorways.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Police Concern for Motorbike Thieves Safety

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Police in Greater Numpchester let three thieves drive away on stolen motorbikes - over fears for the safety of the riders who were not quite smart enough to steal a crash helmet each as well.
Officers were ordered by the city’s Plod Squad Central Clot Control not to pursue the bikes which were stolen from a showroom in suburban Numpchester early on Thursday – and instead stood around like a bunch of proverbial dildos and watched as the three scallies rode off on a trio of high performance motorbikes worth £17,000.

Greater Numpchester Police (GNP) spokeswoman Sgt Mingeeter Slapperotti told reporters from the gutter press red top tabloids that the new national policy on the pursuit of motorbikes had been followed to the letter – in complete accordance with the EURRS regulations concerning ‘criminal safety’.

Conservative MP for Numpchester, Rt Hon Arthur Madeupname, criticised the decision to prevent the police from pursuing the three thieves, stating to the media “In my view this doesn't reflect the priorities of the public who would most definitely prefer to see the police giving chase – just as they do in the movies – and the villains run off the road or killed in high speed head-on collisions with Polish container trucks on the motorway.”

Similarly, the shop owner Mr Kostas Kumatsu Suzuki, an Albanian immigrant of Japanese extraction, who only recently set up the Nickit Motorbike Store on Upper Hijack Street, converted from his uncle’s former Swan Roasters Bistro, branded the police policy as ‘Pletty fuckin’ stoopid!”

Supt Norman ‘Nutcase’ Nibbler, of the GNP, told the press "Our Greater Numpchester Police force follows the new EUSSR nationwide HSE policy which gives clear guidance that criminal types stealing motorbikes should not be pursued because of the higher risk of injury to the rider – which obviously doesn’t apply if the thieving scally is a Muslim terrorist type carrying a backpack bomb – then we can take them out with a helicopter gunship.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Saturday 21 August 2010

Fischer Pulls Checkmate from Beyond Grave

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A DNA test comparison has forced the Manila-based lawyers representing a nine-year-old Filipino girl to throw their grasping hands up in despair and finally admit that the late chess icon and international grand master Bobby Fischer was not her father.

The Supreme Court in Reykjavik had ordered Mr Fischer's body exhumed to prove whether the claimant, Ms Jinksy McSlapper, was Mr Fischer's daughter. The court allowed DNA to be taken from Fischer's remains and compared to genetic samples from the girl and her mother.

However, lawyer Numptus Noggson informed a reporter from the Sophistry Gazette that the DNA test results most definitely excluded Bobby Fisher from any paternity suit claim.
The US-born chess player died in Iceland in 2008 but left no will to direct the desired disbursement of his estate - estimated at US$ 2 million bucks – which has since become a prime target for a legion of gold-diggers.

Jinksy is the daughter of Titsy McSlapper, who claims she had an intimate relationship with Fischer while he was living in the Philippines. Ms McSlapper apparently worked as a ‘suck n swallow therapist’ at Baguio Country Club’s notorious Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Parlour, where Fischer often retired to relax in the afternoons and contemplate his next ‘move’.

Following Fischer’s death, Titsy filed a claim to his estate, declaring the chess champion was the father of her daughter.
Titsy confided to gutter press hacks at the time that “No shit, I was Bobby’s three-hole favourite and he promised to buy me an air-conditioned home then pissed off to Iceland without even a bye-bye kiss. He was a kuriput bull-shitter – a big cheap Charlie playboy.”
Controversy still abounds where Titsy McSlapper is concerned as several years ago her lawyers filed an ‘assertion of rights’ against the Howard Hughes estate, declaring the late tycoon was her grandfather.

One other major claimant to Fischer's estate is the Japanese chess champion Miyoko Twatai, who claims to be his widow and told reporters “Bobby and I spent many happy hours together burying the bishop.” However the Icelandic courts have nullified her claim to the estate as she was unable to produce a marriage certificate proving she was ever actually legally wedded to the deceased chess master.

Apart from the United States IRS, who filed a claim against the estate for unpaid taxes, other claimants include the chess master's two nephews – Beavis and Butthead Nargsby – with Beavis the current title holder of the prestigious Homer Simpson Chequers Championship trophy.

Did you ever play chess against Bobby Fischer? Did he promise you a cut from his will when you check-mated him? If you think Bobby Fischer’s estate might owe you a few bob for whatever hare-brained reason, get in touch with Gomez, Ripoffs and Scally, Attorneys-at-Law, Manila, Rep. of the Philippines (No Claim Too Small).

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.