Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Tories Cash-for-Access Dinner Scam

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Business executives and power-hungry political wannabees who buy £1,000-a-plate tickets to a fund-raising dinner at the coming Conservative Party conference are actually buying the opportunity to sit next to a cabinet minister of your own choice - such as former traffic warden Community Watch Stasi Chief Eric ‘Porkfat’ Prickles; Unemployment Secretary Ian Duncan Boring; Home Secretary Theresa ‘Blonde Moment’ May - the MP for Maidenhead (sic); Minister for Suntans and Spices, Baroness Sayeeda Warsi - and Willy Vague, the Minister for Israeli Affairs.

Despite Posh Dave Scameron's pledges to bring transparency to party funding, the identities of the attending businessmen will be slapped with a 100 year Top Secret Eyes Only X-Files Notice.
The Conservative fund-raising operation has led to accusations of cash for access, and drawn comparisons with controversial fund-raising methods employed by New Labour under the money-grubbing Tony Bliar when he sanctioned permission for the Hinduja brothers to have a quick grope at Cherie’s arse while she was pissed at a party function - in exchange for a large donation.

The inaugural Conservative Party Business Dinner is being marketed as "an exclusive networking event" where guests will enjoy fine wines and superb food with fellow business leaders – plus for £50 quid extra they can ogle at sexy Sammy Scameron’s voluptuous lactating tits while she breast feeds Florrie, their latest rug rat addition to the family.

Chancellor Boy George Oddball will be guest of honour at the dinner, where places start at £500 for a bowl of soup and a crusty bun - or a table for ten can be bought for £5,000. According to the conference guide, each table will be hosted by a prominent Conservative politician – so the more you pay the more prominent the MP.

Hence for a measly £500 quid you get a Tory Alderman from Shitborough Hamlets Council. However, application forms on the Tory Party website make it clear that business leaders prepared to spend £1,000-a-head can guarantee that they dine with at least one serving government minister – and anyone willing to cough up £5,000 will also secure an invite to the Chequers weekend barbeque where Posh Dave will be helping Sammy to flip the snags and chew n spew burgers.

Drop the dead donkey besides, rampant rabid rumours that coalition Deputy PM Mick Clogg will have to cough up the full £1,000 quid to get a place at the table remain unsubstantiated as of going to press.

Would you pay a £1,000 nicker to sit at a table full of deadleg politicians with dandruff and acne – half of whom have a history of kiddie fiddling or as career bumboys – or both - who all prompt you to count your fingers after shaking hands with them.

Do you think a £ grand’s a mite on the expensive side for a meat and potato pie with chips and mushy peas – especially when you can get the same from the chippy for less than a fiver?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win an elite lunch date with London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and tuck into a plate of egg and chips at Gordon ‘Fuck Off’ Ramsey’s Michelin 5-star ‘Blasphemer’s Trattoria’ on Chelsea’s chic Upper Ripoffs Street.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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