Thursday, 19 August 2010

Was John the Baptist Bulgarian?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Bulgarian archaeologists claim to have discovered what they believe are the remains of St John the Baptist in the bottom of an ancient alabaster reliquary at a 5th century monastery on Sweaty Ivan Island in the Black Sea.

The reliquary – a container for holy relics – discovered last week under the monastery’s basilica, embedded in an altar in the ruins of the ancient monastery - was opened on Sunday and found to contain bone fragments of a skull, a lock of red hair, a hand and a jawbone complete with teeth.
A Greek inscription on the stone casque show the Aramaic characters ‘J de B’ and contains a reference to June 24th - which is John the Baptist’s actual birthday.

A forensic study of the jawbone and teeth has been subjected to computer-analysis and a comparative study run against dental records still on file in the archives of the Judean Institute for Odontoid Studies at Galilee and provide a perfect match with those of St John – especially the 'overbite' factor, and the bridgework on the upper right bicuspid and a gold filling in the left lower second molar.
Further, the lock of red hair also matches a graphic depiction of the Baptist in the Apocrypha – described as a ‘grouchy old ginger-minger’ and a ‘shit-stirring ranga’ who got right up Herodias's nose.

While St John was canonised for his mission and commitment to the Faith and work as a baptist, he had apparently quit the job just prior to getting beheaded by Herod Antipasta for calling Salome ‘a right little slapper.” Mention of this fact is made several times in the Dead Sea Scrolls, with actual quotes from St John, stating “There’s no money to be had in this Baptist lark – I’m gonna take a night school course in carpentry.”

Christians who believe in all this religious legerdemain consider it was John the Baptist that heralded the coming of Christ and personally baptized Jesus in the River Jordan one Saturday afternoon while doing a blue rinse for his Mum.

Conversely, Fr. Fabrizio Sodomotti, superintendent of the Vatican Pontifical Commission of Sacred Archaeology, told a reporter from the Heretics Gazette that the commission "will wait until a more thorough study has been conducted, including anthropological analysis, before we express an opinion on the findings that St John might be a vulgar Bulgar."

Fr. Sodomotti added that there are literally thousands of alleged relics of John the Baptist scattered around the world - including photos of him at the Last Brunch.
An e-mail, purportedly from St John to Jesus and apparently containing a coded message in Aramaic, warning him to ‘Watch your back when that cunt Judas is around’ – was sold to a private collector in Texas via an eBay auction last Easter for a rumoured US$5 million bucks.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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