Police Concern for Motorbike Thieves Safety

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Police in Greater Numpchester let three thieves drive away on stolen motorbikes - over fears for the safety of the riders who were not quite smart enough to steal a crash helmet each as well.
Officers were ordered by the city’s Plod Squad Central Clot Control not to pursue the bikes which were stolen from a showroom in suburban Numpchester early on Thursday – and instead stood around like a bunch of proverbial dildos and watched as the three scallies rode off on a trio of high performance motorbikes worth £17,000.

Greater Numpchester Police (GNP) spokeswoman Sgt Mingeeter Slapperotti told reporters from the gutter press red top tabloids that the new national policy on the pursuit of motorbikes had been followed to the letter – in complete accordance with the EURRS regulations concerning ‘criminal safety’.

Conservative MP for Numpchester, Rt Hon Arthur Madeupname, criticised the decision to prevent the police from pursuing the three thieves, stating to the media “In my view this doesn't reflect the priorities of the public who would most definitely prefer to see the police giving chase – just as they do in the movies – and the villains run off the road or killed in high speed head-on collisions with Polish container trucks on the motorway.”

Similarly, the shop owner Mr Kostas Kumatsu Suzuki, an Albanian immigrant of Japanese extraction, who only recently set up the Nickit Motorbike Store on Upper Hijack Street, converted from his uncle’s former Swan Roasters Bistro, branded the police policy as ‘Pletty fuckin’ stoopid!”

Supt Norman ‘Nutcase’ Nibbler, of the GNP, told the press "Our Greater Numpchester Police force follows the new EUSSR nationwide HSE policy which gives clear guidance that criminal types stealing motorbikes should not be pursued because of the higher risk of injury to the rider – which obviously doesn’t apply if the thieving scally is a Muslim terrorist type carrying a backpack bomb – then we can take them out with a helicopter gunship.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.