Dr Patel: Oetzi Death Was Hit & Run

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The General Medical Council, conducting an inquiry into allegations of gross incompetence filed against Dr Freddy Patel for his flawed examination of G20 murder victim Ian Tomlinson, have ruled that his conduct had also been proven to be irresponsible in earlier, unrelated examinations and not of the standard expected of a Home Office-registered forensic pathologist.

Following the highly controversial illegal killing of Ian Tomlinson, an innocent passer-by returning home via a route that bordered the G20 demonstrations on April 1st 2009, where he was subjected to an unprovoked vicious attack by PC Ghengis McThugg of the Met’s Territorial Sadists Unit, the City of London coroner Professor Irwin Bogbrush appointed Dr Mohmed Saeed Sulema Patel to conduct the first post mortem examination.

Widely known as Freddy Patel, at the time of Tomlinson's death he was a member of the Home Office register of accredited forensic pathologists. Patel qualified as a doctor at the University of Zambia’s prestigious Veterinarians College in 1974, and was licensed to practice as a ‘horse doctor’ in the UK in 1988. Due some mix up of certifcations and paperwork, from that year onwards, he conducted post mortems for the Home Office, the RSPCA and the Department of Agriculture.

In 1999 Patel was reprimanded by the General Medical Council (GMC) for releasing to gutter press hacks the post mortem details of Jacko Scrunt, a man who croaked while in police custody. Patel informed the red top tabloid reporters that Scrunt was a crack cocaine user who had died of a drug overdose – wholly overlooking the fact he was found hanging from his cell’s ceiling by his thumbs – with a truncheon jammed up his back passage.

In 2002, the Met’ were forced to drop a criminal inquiry due the fact Patel stated the victim, Candida Mingerot, had died of a heart attack with no signs of violence, though she was discovered naked with extensive bruising to her body, an obvious blunt trauma injury to her head, and a series of vampirish bite marks on her upper thighs.
A certain Vlad Dracula, a mentally ill alcoholic who lived in the flat in which Ms Mingerot’s body was found in the refrigerator, went on to murder several more women thanks to Dr Patel’s incompetent post mortem report.

In 2005 Dr Patel was invited by the British Museum to inspect the body of the famous Oetzi the Iceman, a 5,000 year old Bronze Age mummified corpse discovered embedded in an Austrian glacier.
Dr Patel’s post-mortem examination of ‘Frozen Fritz’ recorded that he had been dead for some time, possibly several days – then wholly ignoring the arrow protruding from the rear of his left shoulder and the massive hole in his torso caused by being gored with the tusk of a rampaging mammoth, determined Oetzi's death was caused by a hit and run accident.

The first ‘dodgy’ post-mortem examination - performed by Dr Patel, acting for the Met - recorded that G20 victim Ian Tomlinson had died of natural causes linked to coronary artery disease, advanced cirrhosis of the liver and his addiction to Dolly Mixtures – with no ‘significant marks of violence’ that may have contributed to his mortal demise.

This prompted Sir Basil Fuctifino, the GMC panel chairman, to raise the question with Dr Patel “If there were ‘no significant marks of violence’ in your view, by implication there were some marks of violence present – hence why did you ignore the extensive lesions and bruises to his legs, upper body and head inflicted by PC Ghengis McThugg that were noted in the ensuing ‘two’ post mortems performed after your own – that determined Mr Tomlinson had died of internal bleeding as a result of blunt force trauma?”

Satisfactory answers to this point were conspicuous by their absence in forthcoming.

Sir Basil then duly endorsed the GMC report with the damning comment "Applying the facility of 20/20 hindsight in reflecting on the actual cause of death in the illegal killing of Ian Tomlinson now raises the most serious questions about how and why Freddy Patel's appointment to carry out the vital first post-mortem on the deceased could have been approved by the City of London Police.”

Remonstrating the GMC’s decision to have him struck from the Medical Practitioners Register, Dr Patel told reporters “This is so typical of English Freemasonry and has a racist motivation to besmear my good name. I am eminently qualified as a pathologist, having watched every episode of CSI since the first episode was screened in October 2000 – and I even have the full eleven broadcast series on DVD – over 230 episodes. Now, you tell me, how many other practicing Home Office pathologists in London can claim to have watched more CSI shows than I have.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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