Monday, 30 August 2010

UK Workers get Shafted with Parking Tax

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under new draconic penny-pinching laws motorists across the country are to be charged hundreds of pounds a year to park at their places of work after councils were mandated under a Libservation government-ordained sneak tax scheme to find new ways of raising revenues and milking the hapless peasantry.

It had been perceived, via a sly nod and a wink understanding, that plans for Labour’s obnoxious workplace parking levies would be abandoned after coalition ministers declared an end to the war on motorists within days of getting their feet through the door at 10 Downing Street.

However the Scandalmonger’s Gazette has learned that a number of grasping local authorities are actively examining several devious methods for introducing the charge in an attempt to raise funds. They include councils in Porkbarrel-on-Wye, Looton, Greedborough, East Gluttony, Scumerset, Extortford and Avariceshire.

Now, approximately 20% of the British population who still have jobs – and have managed to avoid the repo’ men snatching back their motor - drive to work a couple of days a week if they can afford the petrol – will be faced with £250-a-year tax to park at work – which is a damn good reason to say ‘fuck it’ and stay at home – thus denying the grasping government jobsworths the opportunity to tax your income with PAYE or National Insurance.

Initially, Labour’s blood-suckers viewed the parking levy as a way to tackle congestion, cut carbon emissions and leech the peasantry into a state of permanent financial anaemia.
Now, with local authorities facing the biggest cash squeeze since the Spanish Armada, the porcine Communities Secretary Eric ‘Lard-Arse’ Pickles,has informed them they need to start finding other ways to increase revenue and no longer rely on Westminster as their ‘provider of choice’.

Shittingham City Council will be the first local authority to impose a £250 levy on local employers starting in 2011. Within two years it is forecast the bill will rise to £350 per annum and target all companies with 10 or more parking spaces.
Bristol City Council, for example, in its draft strategy, describes the levy as a "revenue stream" to help fund other transport initiatives – specifically to buy the Lord Mayor a new Lexus 4 x 4 SUV and provide chauffeur-driven limo’s for the upper rank council jobsworths.

Conversely, Ghengis McTwatt of the Motorists Defence League, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “While these twats were in Opposition, the Tories bitterly opposed what they called Labour's "war on the motorist" and swore ter end it - but so much for their bullshit promises. Bollocks ter their endin’ the war on the motorist – the local councils are just gonna open up a fresh battle front."

“That’s the rhyme an’ reasoninin’ behind introducin’ this PPPPT scheme (Perpetual Peasant Poverty Parking Tax) ter see us all peniless. We need ter employ Mr Ghandi’s ‘civil disobedience’ strategy cos mass defiance is our best bet ter turn this crap on its head before it ever takes off – we need ter turn it inter a ‘Poll Tax on Wheels' protest campaign.”

Thought for the day: Come to think back on it, applying the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, Harold MacMillan’s superbly arrogant and obnoxious statement of “You’ve never had it so good” was possibly pretty acccurate considering the crap we’ve had from Thatcher, then that lying twat Bliar and his porridge wog successor Cyclops Broon – to arrive at the financial quagmire we are all nuts deep in today.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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