Saturday, 21 August 2010

Car Clamp Protester Starts Jihad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Muslim printer squatted in his car for a 30 hour vigil to prevent it being towed away after being clamped by the unscrupulous Shittywatch Parking Enforcement firm who have been terrorising and victimising vulnerable motorists across the length and breadth of Britain for what anti-clamping MP Sir Irwin Bogbrush termed “Far too fucking long for anyone’s liking.”

Mr Baboon al Blabberwocky began the protest in Smegmadale on Wednesday when he returned from his devotional prayers at the nearby Ramadan Dan Mosque to find his car clamped and slapped with a demand to pay £365 – a symbolic quid for every day of the year (£366 for leap years).

Blabberwocky refused to pay the fine as he was parked on private land and there was no sign stating any ‘no parking’ ordnance was in force. Hence, as he sat in the vehicle the Shittywatch operatives went round and clamped all four wheels – with a wholly asinine 40 tickets being stuck on the car’s windscreen, side and rear windows – which amounted to a total fine of £3,565.

The Shittywatch Parking Enforcement company boss Jacko McScally, when contacted by the Daily Shitraker’s ‘Ripoffs’ columnist Baz Bottomfeeder, refused to comment on the issue – telling the reporter to “Fuck off bollocks – or else!”

Details of the scandalous incident emerged as government ministers announced plans this week to ban clampers from all private lands in England and Wales.
Home Office Minister Chlamydia Twatrot told Fux News the legislation would be introduced in the government's Freedom Bill in November and would hopefully come into force early in 2015.

Mr Blabberwocky, 27, of Smegmadale, who owns a small publishing company which prints Korans, Airbus flight manuals and the popular Babes in Burkas soft porn’ magazine, told a reporter from the Dogwatch Gazette that he was willing to pay the initial £100 quid fine for parking on a plot of private land, without a permit, behind a parade of shops on Lockdown Mews – but would not concede to the Shittywatch Parking Enforcement thugs intimidating him to pay their demand for a tow-away and vehicle release fee that they claimed they were entitled to for sticking so many tickets on his car windows.

"They tried charging me £365 nicker for the initial clamp so I questioned why and they said because I've been here more than four hours which was a pack of dirty infidel porkie pies – so I called them some nasty names – in Arabic.”

“Anyway when they covered all my windows with their accursed tickets I called up the mosque and a gang of my mujahideen brothers came down with backpack bombs and their ceremonial scimitars and threatened to start a jihad against Shittywatch if they didn’t remove the four clamps and let me go.”
“While the clamping gang were thinking it over one of the brothers chopped the head off their snarling pit bull terrier while the others set fire to their tow truck. Then they seemed to get into the true spirit of things and took off the clamps so I could go home. Insh’Allah akbar.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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