Teflon Don Murder Charges Dropped – Again

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A wealthy businessman dubbed with the dubious honorific of the ‘Teflon Dork’ after being cleared of several previous horrific gangland killings, where the cadavers were discovered with their heads ripped off and shoved up their own arseholes, has been freed yet again when this latest charge of murder was - unsurprisingly - dropped yesterday after the accused entered a plea of self-defence.

Ghengis McScumm, 40, a former tomcat strangler, was arrested in February this year after arch criminal drug dealer Willy ‘Wotde’ Wotdefuck, 36, of neighbouring Scallyford Hamlets in Longshite, was found dead, nailed to the wall of the torture chamber feature in the dungeon themed cellars of McScumm’s luxurious £20 zillion quid Cheshire mansion at Alderley Edge.

McScumm, who is reputedly worth what banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ has denied coercing the Director of Public Prosecutions, police officials and key witnesses with bribes and threats of violence to have the charges against him minimised or dropped completely, and now intends to sue the Plod Squad for false arrest and defamation of character – actions he claims have resulted in him suffering from acute paranioa and a dimished sense of self-esteem.

McScumm – who survived an attempt on his life while at Snotport's infamous Reefer & Hemp Club bar on New Years Day in 2009 due wearing his best Kevlar tuxedo - was released from custody to return to his home in the leafy town of Alderley Edge - known as 'Millionaires' Row' - where top rank career criminals rub shoulders with overpaid Premiership footballers and equally overpaid TV soap stars who pose as actors.

His barrister Sir Mortimer Wankrat QC stated in defence that “Mr Wotde Wotdefuck came banging on McScumm’s front door with a 14lb sledge hammer and was kitted out with body armour and intent on violence towards my client.”
“Even a man who has been wrongly accused of murder by the police several times previously is entitled to defend himself if a known villain comes to his house armed to the teeth with an assault rifle and fixed bayonet - and only gained entry after informing the Sri Lankan housemaid he was there to read the gas meter.”

“Once inside the house he went directly to the basement spa’s gym and sauna area which also houses my client’s BD/SM adult playroom where he commenced an unprovoked attack on Mr McScumm who was engaged in a session of target practice with his new ‘Gatling Rapid Fire’ nail gun at the time – a recent wedding anniversary present from his wife. After narrowly avoiding one bayonet charge my client was fortunate enough in managing to nail Mr Wotdefuck’s hands to the wall to prevent futher provacation while he phoned the police to report the assault and request assisstance.”

“However - and unfortunately - in the confusion and ensuing struggle several nails were hammered into Mr Wotdefuck’s head by accident which resulted in him being hospitalised after the local fire brigade pried him loose with crowbars and a claw hammer.”

In 1996 McScumm was acquitted of the gangland murder of drug baron Chris Thugg - dubbed the Devil Dog Mobster because he set his pack of rabid Snottweilers on rivals.
Thugg, 32, was shot dead at the wheel of his armoured Bradley limousine with a 105 mm Hashim-32 RPG - however McScumm was cleared of the murder after his henchmen informing the relatives of the jury members that their entire families would be snuffed if they found him guilty of the killing.

In 2002 McScumm stood trial accused of murder yet again - this time on charges he had kidnapped and burnt to death drug dealer Donny Knobhead on his mansion’s barbeque - then eaten one of his legs with a baked potato and babyleaf salad. The autopsy report revealed that Knobhead has been forced to drink a gallon of chiilied marinade before being cooked alive.

During that trial the jurors were informed that McScumm – who has a bed shaped like a pirate ship complete with masts and sails, an anchor, cannons and a parrot named ‘Captain Scally’ – and boasted that was where he gave his harem of Eastern European concubines a ‘Jolly Rogering’ - had built an empire through ruthless violence, demanding respect and loyalty from all those who worked for him – including the police and juries.'

They heard that besides protection rackets and a vast drug dealing network, McScumm operated the chain of notorious ‘Rug & Tug Happy Ending’ massage salons spread across the Greater Manchester area, run by celebrity bordello madam Beverly Titwank.

The case against him - and other barbeque guests accused of cannibalism - collapsed when it was revealed police had failed to pass on important information about another possible suspect that circumstantial evidence implicated in the case as the principle antagonist – a certain Mr Wiley T. Coyote.

McScumm, nicknamed 'TWAT 1' on the registration plate of his Chobham-plated and diamond-studded Bentley-Humvee Turbo, has always denied he is the Godfather to a criminal empire and claimed that Jobcentre Plus officials in cohorts with Revenue Service agents and the Greater Manchester Plod Squad were involved in a campaign to get him at all costs and confiscate his hard-earned National Lotto winnings under the pretext of ‘seizing criminal assets’.

Do you live in the Alderley Edge area? Have you ever been arrested by Greater Manchester’s elite Plod Squad for mass murder? How much did it cost to get the charges downgraded to self-defence? Does having the murder of twelve good men and true on your conscience ever bother you? Is bribing a jury a sound investment in this recession-hit financial climate? How does your accountant process and classify monthly pay-offs to ranking police officials - as 'bribes' or 'facilitation fees'?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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