Sunday, 15 August 2010

UK Unemployment Stat’s Fiddled

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

New figures just released by the Ministry of Creative Accounting reveal the biggest quarterly drop in UK unemployment since the kikester-engineered recession was initiated on schedule three years ago, and have re-energised the political debate over the best way to boost the country's economic recovery.
Unfortunately the Gallop-poll of public voters surveyed, which returned a stellar unanimous call of “Fuck the EU and Brussels off - hang the parasite Monarchy – then blow up Parliament!” has been wholly ignored.

The number of people out of work in the UK fell by 4,000 to 2.76 million in the three months to June, although Scotland saw a 0.2% increase in its rate of unemployment to 8.4% for the same audited period. The decline in the jobless total was the biggest drop in three years, with the number of people employed increasing by 184,000, the largest quarterly rise since records were first kept following the Norman invasion in 1066 – and later updated some years after the Black death and the Great Fire of London.
The figures further indicated that the claimant count, or those out of work and seeking unemployment benefit, fell by 3,800 in July to 1.46 million.

Government ministers attending this morning’s cabinet meeting peered cautiously at each other then half-heartedly welcomed the figures with apathetic cheers of “Bravo!” However critics have warned that the widely-expected public sector redundancies already announced by PM Posh Dave Scameron and due to affect hundreds of thousands of cattle class civil servants could threaten any recovery like a dose of candle pox in a convent.

Conversely, Bazzer McScally, chief analyst at the Wilkins Micawber Institute for Ball Park Accountancy, confided in one reporter from the Mythomaniacs Gazette that “It’s all a pile of utter bollocks. The reason the numbers have dropped is cos Scameron and his Libservative coalition have slashed the benefits so no fucker or their dog’s botherin’ ter sign on.”
"Them wot’s not getting’ Jobseekers Allowance any more after six months an’ have ter sign on for this New Deal scam can’t be arsed turning up at some scally-packed shithole ter write out 100 lines per day stating “I’m a useless thick twat cos I can’t get an effin’ job – cos there aren’t any ter be had.”

“I mean, just take a peek at some of these percentages and figures – they’re usin’ the same hockey stick curve scam as them fiddling twats wot woz cookin’ the books an’ playin’ creative statistics games with the global warming data an’ all that good shit down at the University of East Anglia. Fer fuck’s sake, these stat’s an’ figures make as much sense as the stupid math an’ equations these people applied ter arrive at the answer they wanted.”

“They call it ‘metathesis’ – just like that lard-arsed Hump yer Dumpty bloke wiv the egghead sez – “When I use a word, it means precisely what I want it to mean” – yeah, anythin’ but wot’s right.”

“Just like this piece in the Daily Shitraker wot I woz readin’ this mornin’ about the results of the EUSSR’s new fishin’ catch regulations – all the same kind of shit.”

(Over-fishing means UK trawlermen now have to work 17 to 18 times as hard for the same 100 pounds fish catch as 237 years ago – which again was 3 times harder than the catches recorded by the Vikings in the 9th Century BCE)

“Now that has got ter be the most muddled concoction of bullshit statistics I’ve heard since the last muddled concoction of bullshit statistics – mathematical Spoonerisms, no less.”

Are you unemployed? Are you seeking unemployment benefit but not getting any? Are you worried about losing your job or don’t give a flying fuck? What is your reaction to this news? Pull an assisted suicide or re-invent yourself as a cult religion guru – or a discount budget gigolo for horny grannies? How about saying ‘Bollocks to it’ – stay jobless and consider the bounteous advantages the freedom of your new-found poverty will provide.

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win up to 16 hours per week of gainful employment with a street sweeping crew near you.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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