In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Smegmashire’s police force have been literally ‘field testing’ a portable device that allows women to urinate while standing up.
The Shewee plastic funnel can be used without the need to remove any items of clothing – simply undo the fly of the uniform trousers, pull knickers to one side (if wearing any) and slide funnel over vulva - then let go the gush.
The trial was to determine whether the £7.50 quid reusable Shewee would be useful for the force's 380 female officers if they went out on patrol and were caught short, bursting for a slash without a public toilet in sight and have to drop their pants and squat behind a hedge or bus shelter as the hapless public are forced to do on countless occasions now our numpty government has decided in their wisdom that all public conveniences should remain locked 24/7 to deter drug addicts and homeless folks from taking up permanent residence.
The aptly-named Shewee inventor, ‘Chlamydia Fountain’, a 69-year old incontinent grandma, failed to secure investment when she presented her design on the 2009 series of the Beeb's Dragons' Den programme – even after providing a live demonstration of her invention when she pissed all over dissenting dragon and career nasty git Kostas Twattopoulos.
This hilarious incident was reported in the following day’s gutter press tabloid headlines as ‘Greek Geek gets Golden Shower’.
So now females of the species can join their male contemporaries in all-out pissing contests and mark their territory macho style while standing proud and erect – and whizz all over someone else’s feet at the urinal trough.
The device, which comes in various sizes (two fingers, one fist and the maxi double-fister) and several hi-viz colours has, since its introduction, gained widespread popularity among bull dykes, festival-goers, pregnant women, binge drinkers and hikers.
The Daily Shitraker’s Cop Watch columnist Jasper McTwatt came under fire this weekend from the Smegmashire Chief Constable Candida Mingerot - plus several feminist organisations and lesbian cliques - for daring to speculate and voice his personal opinion that a pre-requisite to joining the local Plod Squad was that all split-arsed police officers had to be androgynous or hermaphrodites and possess a six inch willy – basing this assumption on the fact that they all behaved like they had a pair of bollocks and were walking around with a hard-on.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
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