US Airport Security Exposed as Joke

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While the much-vaunted morons comprising the ranks of the US Department of Homeland Security and their affiliated Transportation Security Administration (TSA) blatantly boast they have airport security across the States strung up tighter than a Gitmo’ prisoner’s scrotum, the truth boils down to the fact they personally – and their perving ‘Birthday Suit’ full body scanners – plus explosive detectors, and sniffer dogs and ‘what the fuck else have you’ - are actually as much use as tits on a bull.

Bazzer McTwatt, a 29-year old unemployed seagull strangler from Llandudno in North Wales, recently flew across to the US for a work-related interview funded by his local Jobcentre, cleaning up BP’s catastrophic toxic mess around the Gulf coastline. However, after failing to qualify for the job as his neck wasn’t red enough, he went shopping at K-Mart in downtown Pensacola where he bought a bag of Black Skunk fireworks – surplus and discounted stock from the 4th July Independence Day celebrations.

On his return journey with Cuntinental Scarelines, McTwatt flew across the US from Pensacola to Kansas to New York and then onwards to the UK with a bag containing 200-plus highly volatile and explosive cherry bombs - and a cigarette lighter - stored in his carry-on hand baggage.

It was only when McTwatt arrived at Heathrow last Sunday that his prohibited pyrotechnic goods were discovered by airport security staff.
McTwatt explained to a reporter from the Numbnuts Gazette that “So there I woz like, waiting fer me suitcase at the carousel an’ when it arrived I'd opened it up and put me duty free baccy an’ booze an’ the other hand-carry shit inside ter make it easier ter lug around - then marched off straight through customs an’ out inter the arrivals hall.”

“Next thing yer know these two knobheads from Renta-Thug security pulls me up an’ sez “Ello, ello, ello – wot ‘ave we ‘ere then eh, chummy?” cos they reckoned I woz lookin’ suspicious as I’d just pulled me balaclava on ready ter go outside an’ grab a cab inter the city – an’ yer know wot the weather’s like here in August – effin’ freezin’.”
“So they drags me off inter one of their interrogation rooms like an’ goes through me suitcase an’ finds the cherry bombs an’ sez “Wot the fuck’s this lot?” – so I tells the pair of pricks that I’d bought ‘em in Florida an’ no fucker or their dog at airport security in the States had said sweet fuck all about takin’ the stuff on the plane wiv me.”

“Bein’ a bit of a thick cunt I never even thought about the security implications – not that I’m effin’ daft enough ter light one while we’re in the air, now am I?”

Despite Thiefrow security’s initial concerns, Mr McTwatt was allowed to leave with the fireworks, with the Department for Transport's ‘Aviation Desk’ informing a reporter from the Fubar Review that they were not aware of the incident and such was a matter for the incompetent US Authorities.

Ms Fellattia van der Gammer, a spokesperson for Cuntinental Scarelines, displayed no hesitation in denying corporate responsibility, stating for the record that security screening of passengers was the responsibility of the United States inept Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

"We warn customers on our website about hazardous materials which are prohibited on aircraft under federal law, and the list includes fireworks as well as all radioactive nuclear materials, jerry cans of gasoline, ‘glow in the dark’ boxcutters, explosive shoes and self-detonating pyrotechnic underpants."
“However this incident doesn’t surprise me one iota as the TSA morons couldn’t find shit in a midden – and only manage to catch Mossad’s false flag patsies when they attempt to set fire to their skiddies.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.