Topflop Boss Reviews Government Spending

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Self-made zillionaire and Topflop store chain owner Sir Phillip Sidney Green is to lead a review of government spending - amid harsh criticism from unions and an assortment of jealous anti-Semitic groups.

Green, who started off his business career trading from an East End cash-in-hand Petticoat Lane market stall, was soon raking in the shekels by the sackful and founded Slick Sid’s Rag and Bone Emporium – the inspiration and role model for Galton and Simpson’s successful 1960’s Oil Drum Lane-based Shitbag and Son BBC series – concerning the everyday antics of a pair of pre-HSE numpty recycling operatives.

From tiny acorns great oaks trees ‘sometimes’ grow, and Philly-Boy’s cash in the pocket strategy served well, seeing him buy up the floundering Wallis & Gromit designer clothing line for a fire sale price, then established the iconic Shylock Sid’s Boutique Group – accumulating in the process a personal fortune that the City’s leading investment banksters estimate to be worth ‘lots and lots of lovely money’.

With Chancellor Georgie Oddball not completely trusted to be in charge of the bean counting department and the piggy bank, Libservative PM Posh Dave Scameron has requested Sir Philip (call me Sid) Green to review government expenditures made since the end of the Second World War – overlooking the Churchill year’s ‘brandy n cigars’ expense claims - to try and identify potential savings that could be made in the future.

Green speculated during a recent interview with the BBC’s ‘Lunatic Spendthrifts’ programme that more centralised buying by government departments might help get them out of the shit and rein in the current recession – which at the moment is in dire need of the attentions of a Heaven-sent Keynesian solution to galvanise the disastrous state of the national finance system that is still convulsing in its death throes and requires the urgent attentions of fiscal paramedics and a ‘quantitative easing’ kick-start defibrillator to solve the economy’s current cardiac arrest and ‘stagflation’.

The alternative is to recruit the services of a sympathetic coroner to pronounce the economy dead – and an embalmer and undertaker to put it to rest so we can declare a state of national bankruptcy, tell the EUSSR and Brussels to “Fuck off!” and start afresh as an insular, re-industrialising independent island nation.

Criticised for what some see as an overly aggressive personal style, Green has a reputation for colourful language and expletive-laden outbursts – and is known around the City’s Masonic lodges and synagogues as a devoted worshipper at the altar of Mammon, yet feared for his blood-lust vampirish buccaneering forays in business – especially so where hostile take-overs and ruthless asset-stripping exercises are concerned.

However the tycoon’s appointment has come under fire from Frank McWhinge, head of the GMB union, who referred to Sir Philip's wife - the South African-born Sluttsy Green – and joint owner of the Shylock Sid’s Group - as a ‘tax-dodging twat’ - pointing out that she lives in the tax-free haven of manky Monaco on the decadent Riviera.

McWhinge added "If Cameron and Oddball were after a spot of advice about buying or selling second hand clobber and donkey jackets then this Green bloke is someone you might ask. However, this is about the health, education and care of millions of British citizens - not organising a couple of effing jumble sales to boost the office tea money reserves."

Further to McWhinge’s criticism, Candida Titwank, secretary of the Public and Commercial Services Union, which represents civil servants, opined "Oh, what a fucking surprise - the millionaires in the cabinet have appointed a billionaire to confirm that their drastic budget cuts - which will be expedited through the Comprehensive Spending Review in October."
"This review is one set to devastate the welfare prospects of entire communities of disaffected peasants - the unemployed and disabled and pensioners - across the length and breadth of the UK - and will be blessed and anointed as fair and square according to Green’s numpty dumpty kosher brochure assessments.”

Conversely, the Libservative’s token transvestite Cabinet Office Minister - Francis (call me ‘Ethel’) Maude - defended Sir Philip's appointment, stating the entrepreneur had a true cut-throat kikester’s eye for saving a few bob and could guide the MoD on sourcing cheaper replacement uniforms for the troops in Afghanistan.

Sir Philip will be supported by a team of civil servants and report to Minister ‘Ethel’ Maude and Chancellor Georgie Oddball – who personally hopes that Green’s review will help the government "totally re-think" the way it currently 'wastes' the public’s money.

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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