Sunday, 8 August 2010

Turkish ‘Slapper’ Dancers Nicked

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Turkish man accused of beating his wife has refuted the charges of domestic assault, informing a court in New Zealand they were actually performing a Pecheneg tribal fertility dance - one traditionally enacted by drunks and ganja smoking addicts around the Black Sea coastal villages.

Mustapha al Twatta claimed witnesses mistook the choreography of their cavorting ritual for domestic violence as it involved steps and moves that resemble multiple slaps, punches, kicks and choking - plus a glaringly graphic demonstration of ‘irrumatio’.

Mr al Twatta was arrested by a responding mobile Plod Squad after passers-by reported he was slapping, kicking and strangling his wife Fellattia outside their Pikeyrama Car Boot Sale warehouse in the North Island town of Wankera.

Twatta told a court reporter from the Knobheads Review that “These New Zealand cops are as thick as pigshit – they can't tell the difference between fighting and tribal dancing. We were celebrating having a record day of sales with our new antiques line of Poundsaver ceramic figurines, pre-Columbian Tuppaware and Kinky Kiwi brand personal vibrators.”

Fellattia al Twatta , a former Wellington lap dancer described by neighbours as “a right slapper” told the court she and her husband were merely performing the traditional Turkish ‘kolbasti’ dance which, loosely translated, means "copped red-handed by the police" and involves energetic pelvic thrusting movements as well as displays of pugilistic contact blows.
“This is quite normal – to have a black eye and split lip and a couple of teeth missing – it is an integral part of our culture – our ‘slap and tickle’ dance before we have sex.”

Mustapha al Twatta, who has prior convictions for scrumping and goat buggery, informed the court “Fellattia really enjoys a bit of rough foreplay before I give her one up the jacksy so the kolbasti dance serves a dual purpose.”

Mr Waldorf Fuctifino, the presiding judge, after commenting for the record that it was the first dance he had ever seen that involved being kicked with hobnail boots and belted with a baseball bat, has instructed the Public Prosecutor and police officers from the Blatant Bullshit Unit to view a video of the Pecheneg ‘kolbasti’ tribal fertility dance before deciding if charges should be dropped or Mustapha al Twatta tried for assault and battery.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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