Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Afghan Army Pass Incompetence Test

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The US-NATO trained Afghan military have this week proved themselves to be a conspicuous embarrassment of Biblical proportions by displaying a degree of incompetence that surpasses any of Sergeant Wiley T Coyote’s classic hare-brained and disastrous antics displayed when pursuing that elusive hot-footed Muslim terrorist Osama bin Road Runner.

Taking the gung-ho offensive role in what had been expected to be a sign of their growing military proficiency instead turned into a Cecil B. de Milne panoramic fubar spectacular and all-round cluster fuck, with Taliban fighters battering several platoons from the Afghan Army’s 18th Cannon Fodder Regiment and the 21st Bodybag Battalion in a remote area of Bellend Province to such an extent they had to call 911 for police assisstance and ambulances after dozens of their soldiers were stricken with involuntary bowel movements and several hundred more deserted and buggered off home to hide behind the safety of their Mum’s burka tails.

While the Afghan National Army is now composed of a troop count of 34,000 strong, 70,000 not-so strong, and a further 30,000 weak – collectively judged by Jane’s Review to be as much a threat to Taliban military prowess as a bunch of girl guides, the Kabul-based Chief of Staff General Mohammed al Bushmills explained to a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that his troops were only used to guarding the opium crops and not fighting the nasty Islamic fundamentalist insurgents.

This negative factor was highlighted by the late General Billy Bob McCrackhead, the Afghan-based NATO commander recently fired by White House Kenyan cuckoo Barky O’Barmy. McCrackhead told Rolling Scone magazine that the Afghan National Army wasn’t allowed to run any serious operations on its own, particularly anything involving loaded rifles and real bullets - or any other ordnance that might go Bang!

The calamitous operation began when the Afghan High Command dispatched the troops to perform a recce exercise into the Hoodoo al Jinx Valley, in Bellend Province, adjacent to the troubled border province of Kuntaria – a known Taliban stronghold.
Their operation, which began on the night of August 3rd, was to round up a flock of goats belonging to the Taliban’s ‘Aposthia Irregular Militia’ and herd them back to their barracks for a slap-up Ramadan barbeque as soon as the sun had set.

Using the Afghan Army’s own double decker bus service, a detachment was inserted behind the goat flock, while the main part of the battalion stormed the goats from the flanks.

However, according to a high-ranking official at the Afghan Ministry of Defense, the plan was betrayed and the entire exercise became one of their usual snafu’s when Taliban forces waiting in ambush against the main body of troops opened fire with live rounds and mortars.

The Afghan head of military intelligence (sic) Colonel Achmed al Bonkers informed Fux News “This is a problem as half the army are Taliban sympathisers so it is most difficult to keep anything secret. Hopefully all the deserters will come back in a few days once they have washed their underpants.”

Taliban spokesman Major Manuke Khara, commander of the Jaysh al Istimna Brigade, boasted that his forces had exacted a devastating toll. He claimed their ambush had snuffed 70 Afghan soldiers, wounded 140 more and led to the capture of 45 deserters - while 6 double decker buses and 23 army issue bicycles were seized.
“The NATO-Afghan terrorist running dogs of the Great Satan were forced to retreat in humiliation after taking on heavy casualties – insh’Allah akbar! They should now send their jackals back to collect all the dead bodies they left behind as they are decaying and it’s a problem for us when even the rats and vultures won’t eat them.”

Conversely, pro-Kabul officials in the Hoodoo al Jinx Valley claimed the fighting had been a minor incident as far as they were concerned and that only one goat had been slightly wounded – with village elder Ghaban al Shaheed relating “The Taliban are often given to wildly exaggerated claims concerning the damage they inflict – a trick they have learned from the US and NATO infidel invaders.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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