Friday, 13 August 2010

Foreign Diplomats Flee Moscow Smog

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

High summer temperatures and a lack of rainfall have resulted in a series of raging bushfires across Russia, currently engulfing Moscow in a smog that is making even the ubiquitous hardy pigeons cough their guts up.
Temperatures have been logged at record-highs for weeks and smoke from wildfires has driven airborne pollutant levels to the worst ever recorded in the capital and the Moscow region since the Nazi siege of the city in 1941.

Dr Oleg Pissedoffsky, the chief climatologist at the Leningrad Institute for Advanced Guesswork, informed a reporter from the Bronchitis Gazette "We have never had as many regions in Russia affected by malaria and the same goes for ticks carrying encephalitis and other bacterial and viral nasties. This is because our winters are becoming much warmer, and less of these organisms die during the freezing periods. To illustrate how much hotter our summers are becoming there have been reports of crocodiles sighted basking on the banks of the Moskva River and several instances of swimmers being eaten by shoals of the deadly Trotsky piranha.”

Around the Moscow and Smolensk oblasts a state of emergency has been introduced in forests and parks of the territories due to the double-speak manifestation of ‘complicated’ fire hazard situations.
Presenting what many are regarding as a classical sore thumb ‘something’s totally fucked up’ scenario, the entire Moscow-based Politburo and government hierarchy in general have skipped town, flown the coop and done a moonlight to safer climes – far upwind of the bush fires and dodgy smog that’s engulfed their capital and caused more than a few sore throats.

Suspiciously, as if someone knows something and isn’t telling, following suit in rapid fashion, scores of foreign embassies in Moscow have shut up shop and evacuated their own diplomatic personnel – from Ambassadorial levels through embedded Charge de Affairs spies to the lowly document shredders – the lot - and all this kerfuffle over a bit of smoke? Bullshit and bollocks – full stop.
The only time this type of phenomenon occurs is at the outbreak of hostilities when nations exchange diplomatic staff – or when a calamitous natural disaster strikes – and the smoke from a few forest fires does not represent that hazard.

While this bush fire-generated smog might be a first for Moscow it’s nothing new in the greater scheme of things where the global community is concerned. One example of many is illustrated by the fact that during every annual dry season the shit-for-brains Indonesians go into ‘kaingan’ mode (hack and burn agriculture) and set fire to massive swathes of forest in the Kalimantan area of Borneo and too the dense forests of Sumatra.

The ensuing smoke from the former fogs up the East Malaysian states of Sarawak and Sabah – and too poor little Brunei stuck in the middle – and great expanses of the South China Sea – with the fires in South Sumatra chocking the entire Malacca Straits and the piss-ant island state of Singapore to the extent that PM Baby God Lee and the hapless population are wandering round for weeks at a time with smog masks on, sucking menthol Strepsils and coughing like three packs a day Marlboro smokers.
However, none of the foreign embassies in East Malaysia or Brunei or Singapore ever evacuate their staff and close down operations – they just have a quick hawk and a spit and get on with their daily drudge.

So, what does officialdom know that they’re not telling the common herd – the expendable sheeple?

Moscow health department whistleblowers working for the international snitch and grassers watchdog charity Ox-Rat have revealed that the number of people dying in the city had recently topped 7000 per day – ten times the usual number.
Speculation is now rife that perhaps this has something to do with the fact the smog from the bush fires has a background radiation level six times higher than normal, and is estimated by the Leningrad Institute for Advanced Guesswork to have a half-life of a few Millenniums.

Ozersk in the Urals region of Russia (to the east and directly upwind of Moscow) was the latest strategic site to be hit by wildfires which have already badly damaged military depots and other atomic facilities. Apparently Ozersk's Mayak nuclear waste reprocessing plant went up in flames last weekend – an item that seems to have escaped the media’s attentions as Centre TV and TTC news staff are still at their desks and churning out the usual propaganda bullshit in ignorant bliss.

The Ozersk plant, prior to it being burned to ashes, was capable of reprocessing 400 tonnes of nuclear waste per year – which has now been super-heated and become airborne. Ozersk, which has a history of bad luck, was the scene of one of the former Soviet Union's major nuclear disasters in 1957 when a liquid waste accident snuffed some 260,000 people in the region.

More fun and games upwind of Moscow as the Snezhinsk nuclear weapons centre, located in the Urals some 900 miles east of Moscow, also went up in smoke a few days ago.

To add a final touch of insult to injury, the Russian defence ministry has been castigated as delinquent in the execution of its duty by the conspicuously absent President Dmitry Medvedev and his Politburo for allowing the strategic munitions depot at Alabinsk, a mere 40 miles southwest of Moscow – which held a stockpile of nuclear weapons, artillery shells and missiles – to get incinerated to a state of ash and smoke in the blaze that swept the adjacent forest on Sunday night.

Thought for the day: If you’re unfortunate enough to be in Moscow right now, enjoy the smog’s ‘glow in the dark’ effect – but don’t inhale.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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