Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Phoney Pharaoh Burns Royal Warrants

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Former Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed, the cartoonesque phoney baloney Pharaoh of Shitesbridge who sold the prestigious department store for £1.5 zillion quid to the Al Thani crime syndicate rulers of the Persian Gulf desert state of Qatar in May, has revealed to gobsmacked reporters he purposely, and with malice aforethought, destroyed the store's ‘Royal Warrants’ in 2002.

The Egyptian-born tycoon - who likes to boast of his own ‘royal’ descent from Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Neferteabag, the 18th Dynasty rulers who innovated the first ‘Pyramid Selling’ schemes – and still holds the international patent for ‘Sphinx Cat Food’ - informed a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that the endorsements, from the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales and the late Queen Mother, were a "curse" on the store – and that Harrods didn’t need a bunch of murdering Greek-German mongrel reptilian lizard trash as customers.

“I sat there, on my throne one March afternoon, smoking a big cigar and burned the warrants one at a time in the ashtray - as revenge for them murdering Di’ and Dodi – and refusing to give me a British passport. I burned the old bag’s last – the Queen Mother’s – and watched it smoulder away – then she died a couple of days later and our business turn-over tripled. Insh’Allah akbar!”

Harrods, today the second greatest London tourist attraction after Big Ben, was first presented with a royal warrant in 1913 by King George V, who used to have his proprietary brand of haemorrhoid ointment blended in the pharmacy department. Each individual warrant, issued for supplying boots, saddles and a wide selection of riding crops, whips and serf cudgels, thumbscrews, slave yokes, shackles and chains, vibrating sexual aids and other ‘personal’ goods to the British royal family, was reviewed every five years and re-issued where applicable.

At the time Al Fayed claims he decided to not request the renewal of the warrants since neither the Queen, nor Prince Philip, nor the bat-eared Prince of Wales had shopped there since they ordered Princess Di’ terminated with extreme prejudice for getting preggers from shagging a Muslim. Hence he considered continuing to display them would have been totally misleading and a piece of consummate hypocrisy.

“They were a curse and business tripled after I had burned them – and then my Israeli Prime Minister friend Binman Nuttyahoo called up and said he could get Mossad to issue me with a British passport any time I needed one.”

“So bollocks to Britain – I shall now retire to my Hotel Ritz in Paris and chat to my good friend Nikky Teacozy, the little Prime Minister. He is very cute and tells me I can have French citizenship and a passport any time I like – in exchange for one of my fat brown envelopes. This is what Britain needs – more politicians like Nikki – and Neil Hamilton.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of 18th Dynasty lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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