Saturday, 7 August 2010

SA Hacks Learn ‘Truth is no Defence’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mr Mzilikazi kwa Chuckabutty, a South African journalist with the red top Daily Shitraker tabloid, was arrested without a warrant in a dawn raid on his home and will appear in the Numptymalanga District Court sometime in the next few years to face various concocted charges – including one of ‘Gross Deliberate Veracity’ - connected to his reporting and publication of a scandalous news article exposing a series of crimes involving graft and corruption committed by National Police Commissioner General Bheki Celerystick.

The gospel according to the arresting ‘Shitehawk’ agents of the Directorate for Priority Crime Investigation reveals that Mr Chuckabutty’s article had also implicated several members of President Jacob Zuma’s Kleptocracy Party government – specifically the Minister for Nepotism, Mr Gollywolly Celerystick – alledging that he and his police commissioner cousin General Bheki had leased a new police headquarters for R500 million rand and wholly ignored the mandated tender proceedures – plus further criminally deceived the National Audit Office by not disclosing the 10-year lease contract only cost R230 million – thus pocketing over R250 million rand.

Chief Inspector Munty Cucumber of the Shitehawks told one reporter from the Scallies Review that “Ya gotta rememba dat de truth am no defence – an’ possibly work against ya - when ya go accusin’ de Chief of Police - an’ his cousin de Minista - of graft an’ corruption. Hey, de government don’t pay us jack shit in wages so ya gotta make a few rand when ya can. Ya know, gimme a break, what de fuck is a coupla hundred million rand between friends now we black blokes am runnin’ de country an’ whitey has ter take a back seat.”

However, Chuckabutty’s arbitrary arrest has prompted South Africa’s ‘Scumbag Watch’ website to post a series of acerbic responses and further accusations labelling the moronic Celerystick cousins as a pair of ‘kweri’ – parasitic felons devoid of all moral conscience.

One post reveals the new police headquarters is actually located in a suburban Johannesburg field owned by their one-eyed Auntie Magonga Celerystick (a notorious witch who spits and curses at all who cross her path) with outbuildings consisting of several wooden sheds roofed with corrugated asbestos sheets and a big sign outside bearing the dubious legend ‘Magonga’s Cassava Crisps’ crossed out and ‘National Police Headquarters’ scribbled in with chalk.

Conversely Mr Marmalade Shitabrick, the deputy president' of South Africa’s ‘Congress of the People’, was quick to respond to the unwarranted arrest and detention on flimsy charges – stating for the record “Are we expected to believe this is a coincidence - that something so brutal and unreasonable happens to one of the Daily Shitraker’s reporters just days after he exposes the dodgy deal with the Celerystick cousins and the new National Police Headquarters lease?”

“This is so typical of Jacob Zuma’s fascist police state and his Kleptocracy Party’s proposed fascist Media Tribunal which is aimed at muzzling the news media so they can get away with their nasty crimes and gag the press from reporting on the murders of white farmers under their draconic forced land reform programme run by that little moronic shit ANC youth leader Julius Malema and his Red Ant thugs.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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