Kelly Murder: A Textbook Suicide Case

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Dr Nicholas Scrunt, the Home Office accredited forensic pathologist who first examined the deceased body of controversial UN weapons inspector David Kelly where it was discovered in the Grassy Knoll Woods close to his Poxfordshire home in 2003, has gone public in castigating a group of certified medical experts who have had the audacity to contradict and question his post mortem conclusions – terming their speculations concerning Kelly’s death as ‘conspiracy theories’ and treating it like a game of Cluedo.

Scrunt told a reporter from the Coverups Gazette that “This was a textbook self-inflicted injury case and quite determined too – slashing his wrist with a blunt pruning penknife – he obviously wanted to suffer and feel the pain otherwise he’d have sharpened it first or chosen one of those serrated blade kitchen knives – or a box cutter.”
“This was no doubt his conscience troubling him for grassing up the Prime Minister and his Downing Street mates and claiming their Iraqi weapons of mass distraction dossier was ‘spiced up’ and a pack of porky pies. A fitting end for a government employee turned Judas.”

“I was the one who performed the autopsy and had first-hand experience of Dr Kelly’s felo-de se - and all this speculation and rot concerning minimal blood loss is rubbish. I noticed several big thick clots around the suicide area – and by this I do mean blood and not members of the moronic Plod Squad.”

Dr Hunt told the Sunday Shitraker that during the ten minute post mortem examination he found no signs of violence that would indicate foul play or murder caused Kelly’s death – apart from a black eye, split lips, several smashed teeth and a variety of bruises about the head, torso and legs. “Really, his arteries were 70% constricted and a condition of chronic heart disease so advanced that he could have keeled over and died at any moment – so committing suicide obviously saved him a great deal of ill-health and suffering further down the road.”
“Then we have his personal statement to a colleague the previous day – stating “I’ll probably be found dead in the woods” – which is an obvious indication of his intent of self-harm.”

However the controversy stems from the fact that PM Tony Bliar stuck his oar in the normal workings of officialdom, bypassed the expected embarrassing revelations of a public coroner's inquest and cajoled the toadying Lord Brian Muttonleg of Chappaquiddick to conduct an investigation, which found Dr Kelly died from blood loss after slashing his wrist with a blunt gardening knife.

Lord Muttonchop then decided that details of the post-mortem examination would be subject to a 70-year ‘gagging order – to protect the sensibilities of Dr Kelly’s family – stressing to the media at the time that there was "nothing to hide".

Fair comment – but if there was ‘nothing to hide' – why hide it at all – and especially so under a dodgy 70 year duration ‘Whitewash Notice’?

And that is precisely one of a number of contentious factors now being considered by the Attorney General Dominic Grieve, who spoke to a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette on Thursday, opining "We would like to resolve this in a way that might serve to provide the public with reassurance that the Labour government under Tony Bliar weren’t actually a bunch of cold-blooded thugs – well, not all of them anyway.”
“A lot of people have expressed valid concerns about why Lord Hutton did not tie up all the loose ends hanging around his inquiry alike conspicuous cobwebs and these need to be cleared up once and for all.”

Right on, Dominic old chap. Loose ends indeed. The Thames Valley police’s Operation Mason – codename for the search for Dr Kelly – logged on their computers and commenced hours before the doomed Doctor was actually reported missing.
The theft of his personal home pc by police, then the same officers ripping the wallpaper off in his study - did they actually believe he was hiding underneath it?
Then we have the enigmatic dilemma of Dr Kelly’s partially-disabled right hand which prevented him from holding a pen – never mind gripping a blunt pruning knife while he sawed through his left wrist. Hmmm, the same blunt gardening penknife that didn’t bear Kelly’s fingerprints.

Then we have the damning statement and evidence from Dr Nicholas Scrunt himself that the presence of hypostasis (discoloration caused by blood settling to the lowest part of the body after death occurs - also termed livor mortis or post mortem lividity) indicated Kelly was lying on his back when he died – hence the body was obviously moved as it was ‘discovered’ sat up against a tree.
Now that fact alone is almost as weird as the fact that Dr Kelly had reportedly ingested 29 of his wife’s Coproxamol pain killers when only one-fifth of a single tablet was found in his gut.

So typical - yet another botched job by the security services – the blokes who are supposed to protect us all. 9/11 – 7/7 – and how many more yet to come we wonder? Who actually trains these clowns cos James Bond – or the other JB - Jason Bourne - they are not. Ricin bombs, shampoo and peroxide bombs, high explosive skidmarks in a Muslim patsy’s jockey shorts. Shoe bombs that fizzle.
They can’t even tell a Mid-Eastern jihadi terrorist from a Brazilian electrician for Christ’s sake – never mind demonstrating their total ignorance of human anatomy in the manner they slashed David Kelly’s left wrist.

Do you live in the area? Were you in the Grassy Knoll Woods on the afternoon of the 17th July 2003? Did you receive any e-mails from Dr Kelly? If you volunteered to ‘assist’ Dr Kelly with his suicide attempt the Poxfordshire police would like to hear from you.

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a copy of Tony Bliar’s new autobiography “Porky Pies” and be entered in our “Who’s Next?” dodgy dossiers quiz.

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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