Thursday, 5 August 2010

Souvenir Frenzy Sullies Papal Visit

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Pope Benny, the German Mk XVI ubermensch model, has accepted an invitation from Britain’s closet Catholic-Jewess Queen Lizzie to visit London - and Scotland’s kiddie fiddling centre of Aberdeen - during a four-day junket this September.

To mark the occasion with a tribute to Mammon, the God of Greed, the Catholic Bishops' Conferences of Scotland, England and Wales has flogged off the lucrative souvenir franchise to the vulgarian ‘SHIT Group’ – naming them the official ‘Papalibilia’ merchandiser - while wholly ignoring the fact that 90% of their products are Third World sweat shop crap.

Benny plans to kick start his visit in bonny Scotland and will preside over the beatification of Father ‘Aberdeen’ Angus McScrunt – the founder of Grampian’s Ferryhill-based St Sodom’s Church of the Latter Day Pederasts – with 80,000 pilgrims expected at the Doggers Park Auditorium. This ceremony will be followed by the official grand opening of the Joey Ratflinger Orphanage for Wayward Choirboys – a charitable venture financed by Aberdeen’s dodgy ‘Tartan Tadgers’ Masonic Lodge and the city’s ruling Freemason paedophile elite.

However the planned visit has attracted copious lashings of criticism due the advanced mass marketing campaign to flog official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the questionable papal tour.

The kitsch souvenirs include ready-blessed ‘Pope on a Rope’ shower soap, Vatican City coffee mugs, papal flags, ‘Burn the Heretic’ baseball caps, chrome-plated crucifixion nails, prayer cards, fake stigmata blood, candles, Inquisition t-shirts, rosary beads, Sacred Heart personal vibrators, crotchless cassocks, St Boris the Blasphemer key fobs, nipple rings and Prince Albert penile piercing barbells.

Celebrity atheist author Richard Dorkins told one reporter from the Heathens Gazette that “The entire charade qualifies as a money-spinning disgrace so typical of the Catholic religious institutions, marketing ‘ready blessed’ gee-gaws to a gullible public – as instanced by these ‘luminous glow-in-the-dark rosary beads’ and this scandalous ‘Raving Rugmuchers of St Sappho’s Convent’ – a sexually explicit DVD about the nefarious antics of a bunch of lesbian nuns.”

“Plus these dodgy gits have the audacity to levy a parish fee of £20 quid per head to attend this beatification ceremony for a notorious kiddie fiddling priest whose perverted 19th Century paedo’ escapades left scores of altar boys with ruptured sphincters.”

“What pisses me off even more was the announcement that the Irish clerical singing group ‘The Catamite Crew’ will headline the Doggers Park Prayer Vigil, which is going to be m/c'd by Garry Glitter.”

Thought for the day: Would you pay £20 quid to go and see an ex-Nazi Hitler Youth member wearing a daft hat and a crinoline cassock festooned with sequins preside over a religious beatification ceremony for a notorious Satanist and career paedo’ like Father ‘Aberdeen’ Angus McScrunt?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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