Tuesday, 17 August 2010

England FA: No More Alien Managers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The FA’s General Secretary Alex Fuctifino yesterday announced to anyone inclined enough to listen that the next England team manager would be – strangely enough – an Englishman – and to hell with hiring Wops and Swedes and any other half-arsed ‘pass their sell-by date’ swan-roasting pikey types.

Hence even though the current England boss Flabbio Capello’s contract runs until 2012 he remains under pressure to do the right thing – Japanese style – and commit ritual seppuku after the English team’s abysmal performance in the recent South African-hosted World Cup.

"We are working on the basis that Flabbio will be with us until 2012, whether we like it or not as it’s going to cost us an effing fortune to fire the useless twat before then," the FA's Adrian Porkrat told the BBC’s ‘Dog Wankers’ programme.
"So, unless we can shame him into quitting, the view beyond that is we should have an English manager again – because they can’t fuck up any worse than this Wop tosser has, now can they – whoever the fuck we hire – but definitely not any more cock-happy Swedes like that Sven Gore-Tex Eriksson character – who spent most of the day thinking with his bollocks and not his brains.”

“I mean to say, we have Butterfingers Bobby Green for a goalie stricken with ‘dropsy’ – and lets an easy one in from the Yanks, I ask you - and while star striker Mickey Rooney can’t really help looking like a brainless dildo he doesn’t have to stand there and act like one as well.”

“This all comes down to teamwork and our team doesn’t have any – and who do we thank for that? Flabbio and his crew of Wop trainers -Messers Italio Galbiati and Franco Baldini – and not one of the three of them can speak the Queen’s English worth a fuck. Really, these blokes are about as much use as tits on a bull and better off going round the streets driving one of Mr Pavarotti’s ice cream vans.”

“Seriously, we could have hired that greasy Dago twat Maradona for the same price as Flabbio and he’s a lot better act with all his arm-waving gesticulations and theatrical histrionics.”
“It’s no joke, you should see the stacks of e-mails I’ve been getting from ex-fans telling me to consider re-naming the Three Lions to the ‘Eleven Donkeys’.

“None of this has any real scent of jingoist or xenophobic sentiment about it – but the FA now consider that if we are going to get our arses kicked in a World Cup tournament it’s better the team’s led and run by someone born and bred in England. Isn’t it weird – we can kick the shit out of Germany in two world wars then end up at the last-16 stage with a humiliating 4-1 loss to them in a soccer match – while being led by an Italian.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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