Monday, 16 August 2010

Princess Horse-Face Turns 60

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Princess Anne Elizabeth Alice Louise von Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Windsor of Reptilia – the Royal Family’s answer to Ugly Betty – is reported to be celebrating her 60th birthday anniversary by ordering a large pizza to share with her pack of rabid Pit Bull baby biters while filling in her free ‘travel pass’ card application form after husband Vice-Admiral Jack McTwatt shied off sharing a romantic candle-lit dinner with her due the live broadcast of the FA Numpty League Finals match between Smegmadale Windowlickers First Eleven versus Luton Gimps United.

Admiral Jack claims to be a chap who prefers messing about in boats rather than engaging in any conjugal interest of Anne’s donkey derby fetish. However, Royal Equerry Sir Morton Thort-Nott recently castigated London journalists as ‘scum’ for generating unsubstantiated rumours that ‘Jack the Lad’ prefers the company of men and the pursuit of that grand old Navy tradition – ‘rum, bum and baccy’ - than following his wife’s interests in matters equestrian.

Jack, described by friends and critics alike as the type of bloke who thinks wood grows on trees – and sexual ‘foreplay’ involves putting on a condom, is reputed to have a lot of mongrel in his dubious pedigree and presents the grumpy social exterior of a curmudgeon due suffering from a chronic ingrowing foreskin condition.

Interviewed last night on his way home from the local pub, Jack told one reporter from the Sunday Shitraker in jest that he had bought Anne a ‘Scold’s Bridle’ on eBay as a birthday pressy.
He further confided, over a shared six pack of 8% Bitch Thumper lager that “Annie’s not a bad old shag and likes it up her arse occasionally too, thank Christ. Plus she does such a splendid job of concealing her contempt for the unwashed human herd and the peasant population in general when she’s off on her official duties – opening Jobcentre Plus places and abortion clinics and the new prisons to keep all the scallies and yobs and dodgy MPs in check.”

The Princess Royal, slowly catching up to her bat-eared brother Charlie in advanced years and wrinkles, recently confided to reporters from the Succubus Review and the Baba Yaga Weekly that she attributes her robust health and ‘horsey looks’ to her blue blood equine DNA as well as her inherited reptilian genes.

A memorial 60th birthday bronze effigy of the ‘Haughty Harpy’ has been commissioned to be expedited by renown sculptor Anthony Gormless - famous for his Gumby of the North, Field of Twats, Quantum Cuntt, and Dork on a Roof statues.

Apparently Gormless has his mind set on something with a definite Gothic-theme and is currently researching the now-defunct Hammer Horror film studio archives for ideas and inspiring images to portray his subject.

It might be remembered that to commemorate her 50th birthday she modelled for Banksie’s ‘Gorgon of Gatcombe Park’ graffiti masterpiece - painted on the side of an East Bristol whore house.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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