Manila Hostage Crisis: Mega-Fubar.com

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A coachload of Chinese tourists from Hong Kong might have bitten off more than they bargained for after signing up on an ‘Action-Packed Tour’ of the Republic of the Philistines 7,100 lawless islands – only to get hijacked in the centre of Old Manila’s Rizal Park / Intramuros area – right opposite the Mayor’s office at City Hall – and just up the road from the Ministry of Justice and the main police HQ.

The 12 hour crisis began when a disgrunted former cop, Rocky Mendoza, 55, armed with an M16 assault rifle, seized the busload of Hong Kong tourists as hostages then demanded the Philippine National Police (PNP) hierarchy reinstate him to his previous rank as ‘Inspector’ in ‘Manila’s Finest’ (sic).

According to reports in Manila’s gutter press, Mendoza was among five officers who had been charged with extortion and robbery – resulting in their getting cashiered and losing all pay and retirement benefits - after a Manila hotel chef filed a complaint alleging the venal Plod Squad robbed him of what cash he had on his person and threatened to frame him for drug dealing if he didn’t come up with 200,000 Pesos extra – and all for a dubious traffic parking violation.
An ensuing inquiry into the PNP group’s systematic ‘Hulidap’ misdeeds had uncovered arms sales, drug-dealing, bank heists and protection rackets.

However, back aboard the sweltering tourist siege bus, Mendoza lost his cool and opened fire, killing eight of the hostages and one cop in the assault team - plus wounded a dozen more of the terrified tourists and passers-by - when the PNP’s ‘Naningimi Siege Squad’ negotiators got bored with pissing around in the pouring rain and started jumping up and smashing the tour coach’s curtained windows with rifle butts and hammers – even though they had no ladders or means of gaining access to the inside of the bus.

While the entire situation was going tits up in a bucket and the bullets were flying thick and fast, the Filipino tour bus driver, Juan Gagogo, shouted “Fuck this!” and fled the scene – leaving the bus door wide ajar. When the shabu-snorting and booze inebriated Mendoza appeared on the bus steps with a still smoking rifle cradled under his arm and asked the surrounding police unit if he could have another bottle of San Miguel gin and some more bullets as his M16 was empty, one of the sharpshooters double tapped him before the other obliging officers had chance to offer him a couple of reloaded magazines of 5.56mm rounds and a Ginebra refill – to ensure their overtime duty for that evening.

PNP Senior Superintendent Nelson Tangga told Dildodo Bocaperta, a Manila Bulletin reporter, “I am satisfied at the result – we got our man – even if sometimes the innocent suffer alongside the guilty.”
Conversely the diminutive Philippine President Benigno Aquino Junior - the newly-installed 'Joe 90' look-alike model that replaced Gloria ‘Poison Dwarf’ Macapagal – informed the media "Superintendent Tangga is so full of shit. How can anyone be satisfied with the outcome of this embarrassing snafu when there’s a tour group of Chinese holidaymakers with their guts splattered all over their Happy Holiday bus.”

A fuming Hong Kong Chief Executive, Mr Flip Flop Fong, told reporters in the Chinese territory “What da fuck dese stoopid Pinoy police do, ha? Fuckin’ trigger-happy cowboys!”
On Mr Fong’s instructions, Hong Kong has now issued a warning against travel to the Republic of the Philistines and requested that all HK tourists still in the country return home ASAP – before they too get targeted for an early grave. All upcoming tour groups with operator Risky Biscuit Travel Services of Kowloon were also cancelled.

The incident underscores the risks of travelling and working in a country ranked 130th out of 149 in the Global Peace Index - a measure of factors such as total government-sponsored graft and corruption, violent crimes, access to weapons, separatist insurgencies and political instability – of which the Philippines has more than its fair share of each.
Following Monday’s PNP hostage response squad fiasco, this 130th slot ranking for the Philippines might just be moving closer to a par with Colombia – of cocaine fame – and South Africa - the world’s murder capital title contenders.

However, in a wholly separate incident and just to illustrate and prove that it isn’t only Chinese tourists who get targeted by the Philippine’s burgeoning stock of career psychopaths, a South Korean pastor was shot dead in a highway holdup robbery on his way home from the airport in Manila yesterday.

Oh dear, how sad, tough shit – welcome to the Third World – a syndrome that Mang Pinoy and the poor Philippines has been stuck with since the arrival (wholly uninvited) of the Spanish Conquistadors (second visit) - in Maynila in 1570 when Miguel de Legaspi stepped ashore in the Islas de Ladrones (Islands of Thieves) with his cargo of zealous Jesuit Catholic friars and their big black box of devious Biblical tricks – enough to corrupt a whole multitude – and more.

Thought for the day: Anyone ever heard the almost threadbare joke: What’s the difference between an organised crime syndicate and the Philippine National Police? – absolutely none.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of Hong Kong Chinese tourists suffered involuntary bowel movements.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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