Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Is The Stig Really Lord Lucan?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rabid Rupert Mudrock’s HarperCollins Publishing and the BBC have kick started a court battle over a book that is set to reveal the identity of Flop Gear's Star Wars Imperial Trooper look-alike - The Stig.
Junior barristers for both sides appeared in London's High Court on Monday for a cat-calling, pushing, shoving, scratching and hair pulling display of juvenile one-upmanship histrionics after the BBC confirmed it was trying to halt the book’s publication on the grounds of breaching contractual and confidentiality obligations.

According to evidence presented by the Beeb’s Flop Gear producers, the Stig never removes his helmet on the BBC Two show – a fact reinforced by his wife, a certain Mrs Candida Stig, who told reporters “He’s had that effin’ helmet on since he got the job – he even wears it in bed and when we’re havin’ a shag. Lucky I enjoy fetish sex, eh. Anyways, why the fuck should the bleedin’ public get ter know his identity when even his own wife can’t remember wot he looks like.”

HarperCollins spokeswoman Beverly Titwank told the media "We are disappointed that the BBC has chosen to waste licence fee payers' money on high-priced lawyers to suppress our new book, but we will vigorously defend our perfectly legitimate right to publish."

Conversely BBC spokesperson Fellattia Gammer said: "This situation has come about as a result of an attempt by Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation attempting to sensationalise and profit from unauthorised use of the Flop Gear brand, the BBC's biggest and most watched show in the UK and across the known Universe.”

The Stig's identity has puzzled fans for years with many speculating the role is shared by several drivers – and that he could even be Darth Vader.
Nazi war criminal and former Auschwitz commandant Helmut van der Kuntt was the original Stig, wearing black overalls and full face helmet for his appearances – until he was recognised by the SS blood group tattoo on his left arm and duly kidnapped by Mossad to face a kangaroo court in Tel Aviv.

The Beeb then recruited a replacement - one who wasn’t on any Nuremberg Tribunal wanted list – and the current Stig, dressed all in white, took over.
While his identity generates more wrong guesses than a pub quiz night contest, one persisting theory is that ‘Stig Mk 2’ might well be the elusive and fugitive celebrity nanny-basher Lord Lucky Lucan.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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