Monday, 30 November 2009

Tescosaurus Rex now Embroiled in Climategate Scam

A self-proclaimed global warming expert agreed to endorse the UK’s Greediest Grocer’s position on reducing plastic bag use after his institute received a £25 zillion donation from the ubiquitous dominating supermarket chain, according to evidence gleaned by Feral Beryl McScatt from hacked e-mails and posted on her Snoop n Snitch for Truth website.

Professor Moaning Gitt told a global warming press conference the tyrannical retailer’s policy of rewarding customers who reuse their shitty old bags with piss ant Club Card loyalty points (one tenth of a penny per bag reused) was ‘more effective’ than charging them five pence – and in his esteemed and qualified opinion Tescosaurus Rex was the only place to shop in the UK – and anyone who bought their groceries elsewhere was a carbon footprint delinquent who didn’t appreciate the efforts put out by their local Zionist costermonger.

Professor Gitt’s dodgy endorsement and comments idolising the hegemonic Greedy Grocer also appeared in a Global Warming Gazette report, which was distributed free of charge amid much fanfare at the Man’ United versus Scumborough Wanderers soccer match last weekend – as glossy toilet paper with pictures.

The professor, one of Britain’s leading specialists on endorsing anything that will add to his burgeoning retirement fund stashed away in a tax-dodging Swiss bank account, is head of the Institute for Bureaucratic Graft & Corruption at Smegmadale University - now further endowed with a £25 zillion donation from the Tescosaurus Rex supermarket chain last October.

Professor Gitt, while denying any conflict of interest, is also chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Propaganda – which shared the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize with former U.S. Vice President Albert Bore – did admit his area of expertise actually lay in juggling statistics to suit commercial parties of self-interest and he knew next to sweet FA concerning solar influence and effect on the Earth’s climate – even doubting the science behind such a proposal due “the sun being too far away.”

These scandalous revelations come in the wake of the Daily Shitraker’s ‘Phuck the Bags Off’ campaign launched earlier this year which helped reduce the number of throwaway plastic carrier bags doled out to supermarket shoppers from 418,865,259 to a mere 418,272,620.

By contrast, when several Grotty Grocer outlets in Ireland – principally Scabby Spuds and Pikey Pete’s - introduced charges in 2008, the number of throwaway bags given out / sold by their Dublin stores was slashed by 90% overnight as people simply buggered off elsewhere to run up debt on their credit cards.

Similarly, a move by Mamon & Snobfords supermarket to introduce a £5 charge per poxy little plastic carrier bag last year caused a drop in revenue of more than 70% with immediate effect and a 300% increase in shoplifting.

Whereas Pukesbury’s, famous for their ever-popular chew n spew discount specials, simply allowed customers to use as many plastic carrier bags as they liked then forwarded their personal details to the E-USSR’s main ‘Global Warming Criminals' data base in Brussels for file, pending later action and prosecution of carbon delinquents once the ice caps have melted and the polar bears all drowned.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

New E-USSR Questionnaire - for Five-Year-Olds

The latest Kafkaesque directive to be launched by the Brussels-based E-USSR is a super-intrusive questionnaire to be completed by the parents of 5-year old children who are ready to start school.

The dystopic European Bully Boy state’s interrogation sheet contains no less than an 83-point survey of autocratic snooping – failure to complete which might well see your kids snatched under the State’s totalitarian ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme - and your sad arse tossed into one of their all-new ‘Cough n Snuff’ gulags freshly built to the US Camp FEMA blueprint standards - in the Ukraine.

The 83-point questionnaire is constructed to probe the most personal and intimate details of not only a child’s but also the parent’s lives.

The ‘snoop’ form delves stealthily into whether their children tell lies or bully others, if they steal at home or from shops, have fantasies about working in an extraordinary rendition prison, masturbate while playing the Modern Warfare video game on X-Box, set fire to cats or other furry pet animals, enjoy cold showers, and tittle-tattle on their neighbours – or friends – if they have any.

Many of the questions are considered by psychologists critical of the form’s composition to be of a definite Jungian nature – with many aspects of Pavlovian theory standing out alike a sore thumb – and the entire form comprising a selection process to sort the passive wheat from the sadistic chaff.

To separate the half-wits from the fuckwits and the budding local Anti-Christs and isolate those likely born of parents who have been swimming too long at the shallow end of the gene pool – while pinpointing kiddies likely to respond to NLP brainwashing and become New World Order enforcers that have as much empathy for their fellow man as a leopard seal has for a mackerel.

Parents too are questioned over whether they have any friends or are social pariahs and outcasts – plus if they ever went to school themselves – or just played with the other kids that did.

The form further delves into family routines, questioning whether they eat chew n spew takeaways every night and if the children actually know what fruits and vegetables are.

This information will be held indefinitely on the Tavistock Institute and Common Purpose databases for the use of social engineering. Planners want new forms submitted each year to build up a detailed picture of the family and their children's development – with the kids themselves filling in questionnaires as soon as they learn to read and write – and can articulate their damning opinions of their own parents.

While the cover story persists in the statement that the aim of the questionnaires is to 'enhance children's life chances' critics are adamant the entire Orwellian scheme manifests as an unprecedented intrusion into family life and the growth of a major new state hum-int database.

One caustic critic of the E-USSR Federation super state, Sir Erwin Bogbrush, the author of the critically-acclaimed iconoclastic biography ‘The Life & Times of a Soft-Boiled Egg’, told a reporter from the Fascist Gazette that “It’s all part and parcel of the old Hegelian Dialectic being applied : Problem - Reaction – Solution.”

“The four major collective forces are Race, Religion, Family and Nation. These are the four pillars of our human identity – and that’s what they are out to destroy with their cross-culture pollution being implemented through lax immigration policies and social integration.”

“It’s all going the way the elitist Club of Rome planned for their genocidal eugenics-fixated depopulation selection policy – keep the sadists who’ll follow orders and snuff the free-thinking dissident types who question a government’s motives.”

“Thus you’ll end up with Randall the Vandal, Hooligan Harry, Delinquent Doug and Asbo Annie running the State’s security mechanism from their Scally Alley urban fortresses while the likes of Peter Pan and Wendy Darling go the way of the Dodo – via the next version of Auschwitz’s Birkenau ‘vemichtungslager’ extermination camps.”

“This questionnaire will simply be an additional tool to ensure the E-USSR Shamocracy’s strom troopers target the right genetic mutants and domestic terrorist types for concentration camp selection now they’ve completed mapping the human genome – and will further encourage schools to earn some nice ‘retirement’ pennies for themselves by selling on the kiddie’s info’ and piccies to credit card companies – or foreign paedophile groups.”

The E-USSR’s ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme now being enforced since the dodgy ratification of the Treaty of Lisbon is simply an emerging tentacle of the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act, which received ‘Royal Assent’ (no less) in July of 2000, a year prior to the Zionist false flag attacks on 9/11.

According to Enid Pustule, a founding member of the Chronic Psoriasis Society and official spokeswoman for the social engineering cabal Common Purpose - while there is – as of yet - no legal compulsion to fill in the School Entry Wellbeing Review questionnaire, parents who do not are likely to be visited by Civil Enforcement Officials and have their legs broken.

Saturday, 28 November 2009

Risk Assessment for Wiping Own Bum

To comply with fresh slapstick Big Brother legislation being issued by the E-USSR’s bored bureaucrats in bonkers Brussels, family homes across Britain could be invaded by HSE inspectors checking that parents are keeping their children safe.

Whitehall’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money is recommending that inspectors make sure parents have fitted smoke alarms, stair gates, locks on medicine cupboards, windows and ovens, and temperature controls to stop bath water getting too hot – or cold - with emergency flotation rings fitted around the bath to be deployed automatically if a child is in danger of drowning. (The case for a qualified life guard to be present during bath times is still under debate).

The proposed scheme was condemned by critics yesterday as the most stupid idea the government has come up with since their last stupid idea the previous week – and a further dystopian nightmarish intrusion into family life.

The Department of Ill-Health has already comissioned the National Institute for Bureaucratic Idiocy to draw up guidelines to reduce ' unintentional injuries among under-15’s in the home' – such as sticking their hands into a blender just to see what will happen – or having a kiddies cocktail party using the household cleaning chemicals.

According to the NIBI - which is responsible for public health promotion as well as deciding which addictive drugs the NHS may supply to depressed child patients - millions of accidental injuries affect children in the home each year - and many – caused by such seemingly innocent games as climbing into the laundry dryer for a spot of ‘rough and tumble’ - or getting jammed in the cat flap while following Tiddles out for a ratting session - are preventable.

The NIBI has also called for a computer database to be set up to pick the homes of hopeless case families who will be targeted for safety inspections - with a dedicated 0800 Snitchers hotline for juvenile whistleblowers to grass up parents who don’t comply with the guidelines.

NIBI spokeswoman Candida Muffitch, a former Army welfare officer at Abu Ghraib Prison, told a reporter from the Nanny State Gazette “We’ve just completed a survey of the council’s Scumborough Sink or Swim housing estate and want to introduce a policy where parents – and too children themselves – carry out a risk assessment for the most common and simple household chores – such as brushing their teeth or wiping their botty after taking a crap.”

“You simply wouldn’t believe some of the obvious hazards that exist around Scumborough’s everyday households – broken bottles and barbed wire left lying around the living rooms – along with loaded hand guns. Fragmentation grenades with the spoon pin halfway out. Pit Bull terriers frothing at the gills with rabies and never taken to the vets – and still allowed to play with baby. Stolen transplant organs kept in the fridge alongside the family’s food – all very unhygienic – a veritable Salmonella Surprise.”

Have your say :

Do you thinks the E-USSR and Brussels have gone over the top? How much siphoned gasoline do you keep under the stairs? Do you ever ring the local leper colony for a baby sitter? Has the Nanny State forgotten what Common Sense is?

Fill in our online questionnaire below and you could find your front door getting kicked in by the local Gestapo for a pre-dawn safety inspection.

Allergy advisory: This article was based on the thoughts and schemes of local government bureaucrats and may well contain traces of total lunacy.

Medvedev’s Russia a Business Basket Case

The once-proud and imperial Russian realm of the corrupt and inept Tsars has now turned into a "criminal state", according to a top UK financial whiz and investor who until recently did business with the country’s leading criminals.

Ghengis McTwatte CEO of the Scandalsky Capital group was reacting to the news that his lawyer had died in prison in Russia after nailing his own head and pelvis to the cell door – an act described by one warden as the most determined case of suicide he had ever witnessed.

However, in an interview with the Daily Shitraker, McTwatte claimed that his lawyer, Sergei Villainovsky, had effectively been "held hostage by the powers that be – corrupt state police officials – and murdered when their demands for control of the Scandalsky Capital group’s Russian-based companies was not signed over to their appointees.

Conversely Sergeant Igor Scallyovich, a spokesman for Moscow’s Homicide Squad, informed Fux News they will commence investigating Mr Villainovsky's death once the autopsy report is submitted – after Christmas.

In 2005 Mr McTwatte was declared ‘persona non grata’ by the Russian state police apparatus due being assessed as a threat to national security after he complained to the Ministry for Graft and Corruption that certain bureaucratic elements in government were demanding excessive amounts in bribes to facilitate business permits and licences which far exceeded the normal rate of inflation.

McTwatte claims he was singled out and punished - then deported - for being a threat to greedy politicians and bureaucrats.
Since then, a number of McTwatte's associates in Russia - as well as lawyers acting for his company - have been detained, beaten and robbed – then snuffed.

The circumstances surrounding Sergei Villainovsky’s ‘suicide’ have caused McTwatte to question his attitude to doing business with Russia under Vlad the Impaler Putin’s reign - firstly as President and now PM.

"When Putin took over from Bonkers Boris Yeltsin he declared he was going to kick some dodgy oligarch arses big time and grab back the fire sale acquisitions that pisspot Boris had signed away to them for chicken feed - but all he did was chase zillionaires like Oleg Mobsaroubles and Yuri Felonovich into exile then appointed his KGB thug mates to run the corporations in their place.”

“Doing business with these morons is a game of real Russian roulette – only they’re holding the effin’ gun an' there's a live round in every chamber.”

The investigative committee for the Prosecutor's office informed one reporter from the Foot Draggers Review they will be conducting a full investigation in the death to coincide with the police investigation – scheduled to kick off early in the New Year – around Easter.

Moscow Investigative Committee chief, Anatoly Thuginsky told the media “While we could initially see a clear justification for starting a criminal investigation due the fact that Attortney Villainovsky’s head had been nailed to the door from behind we have since been informed by reliable prison medical authorities that he was a double-jointed contortionist so he probably snuffed himself in that manner just to make it look like homicide and stir up trouble in the conspiracy theory camp.”

Friday, 27 November 2009

White House Party Gate Crashed by ‘Vulgarians’

US Secret Service agents today refused to be interviewed by Jacko McScrunt, - the Scallies and Yobs page columnist for the International Daily Shitraker - who was investigating reports that a couple of scumbag social climbers trespassed last night's state dinner at the White House - with the SS office simply issuing the singular dismissive statement that the matter was ‘secret’.

However Treasury Agent Billy Bob Weaselberg III clarified the situation and informed Fux News “Hey, if our agents start talking to you blabbermouths from the media then the Secret Service ain’t gonna be secret any more, now is it huh?”

Conversely one Mexican waiter (Carlos Frijoles) from Wetback Catering Services, who was attending tables at the state dinner honouring Indian Prime Minister Manhole Singed and his landmark decision to ignore US and NATO military incursions into Kashmir and Pakistan in return for Slackwater / Xe mercenaries not targeting him for assassination, spoke to the media on conditions of anonymity – plus a handful of $20 bills and a genuine green card.

The confidential source claims that a celebrity socialite wannabe man and wife team, Tareq and Chlamydia Salahi, gate-crashed the official reception and barged in shaking hands, handing out business cards and attempting to ‘network’ with the myriad of famous political and business faces.

The pair of nouveau riche vulgarians had apparently gained access to the East Room cocktail reception by concealing themselves amongst the musical instruments and sound equipment trucked in for the party’s ethnic entertainment band, especially flown in from the poxy Punjab – Dodo and his Dodgy Dacoits.

The media is now in possession of leaked CCTV footage of the reception which clearly shows Tareq Salahi, a self-outed Polo mint addict who once sued his own mother, dishing out sample miniature bottles of plonk from his Chateaux de Piss vineyard in North Dakota while his high maintenance asset trophy slut wife Chlamydia - a former masseuse at Soggy Bottom’s Rug and Tug Happy Ending Massage Salon – posed for photographers alongside various Ivy League closet homo’s representing the Rockefeller Foundation.

Chlamydia, who won Nashville’s prestigious Miss Tennessee Trailer Trash Slut award in 1998 after turning bottle blonde – and a few tricks – went on to take first place in the 2001 Miss Bourgeoisie Philistine competition – following which Vanity Fair described the gold-digging slapper as ‘having her head so far up her own arse it’s a wonder she can still breath’.

Tareq Salahi, regarded by business associates as that ‘dingbat in an Oxford shirt and Y-fronts’, was a regular habitué of the Soggy Bottom red light district and proposed to Chlamydia after a whirlwind romance lasting two hours, then flying off to Vegas to marry her the next day after she promised him a three-hole matrimonial surprise.

Social acquaintances were of the unanimous opinion that the pair had the collective personalities of a chemotherapy ward and it came as no surprise the dodgy duo had actually gate crashed a White House state dinner – the photos of which were boastfully pasted right across their joint Facebook webpage the following morning.

One rumour circulating inside the Beltway claims the shameless couple made off with various ‘souvenirs’ after they managed to sneak into the Oval Office and photographed each other sitting in the Boss’s chair – then rooted through the desk drawers – since which the President’s US birth certificate has been reported missing.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

US First Lady Tops Google Porno’ Search

Google has issued a provisory apology to the White House regarding a controversial photograph of Michelle Obama - which certain prudish official and media sources – including the Rednecks Gazette, the KKK Monthly, the Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers and Playboy’s Amish edition columnists - have labelled ‘racially offensive and pornographic’ – that appears at the top of the browser list when net users search for images of the US First Lady.

The web browser giant placed a notice over the image titled Offensive Search Results, stating: "Sometimes our search results can be offensive – and in this case we agree – use the site’s virtual barf bag if Michelle's piccy makes you puke."

However Google refused to remove the picture from its search results citing the Freedom of Information Act and the fact the photo was already posted in the public (or pubic) arena by further commenting “Well, if that’s what the porky slapper looks like in her slutty lingerie then it’s her own fault for posting the piccy on her Facebook homepage.”

Snott Rubixcube, a spokesman for Google, informed Pox News as to how the image of Michelle - posing in Lycra lingerie in the White House’s East Wing BD/SM playroom - ended up as top result for the ‘Wife of President Barack Obama’.

“It’s all based on complicated computer algorithms utilising a legion of factors to calculate a page's relevance to a given query.”
“In this case, due the skin-revealing photo copied from the First Lady’s Facebook photo album, whoever posted it on Google attached links to the ‘Black Juicy Sluts’ and ‘Kinky Kenyans’ websites frequented by serial masturbators – hence why it has received over six million hits in the past 24 hours.”
“Now that really goes to show how many chronic wankers are out there, mouths agog, fantasising over some erotic black female flesh.”

Do you think the image of Michelle Obama should be removed? Should search engines take more control over offensive content? Do you think Michelle needs to stay off the peanut oriole cookies and get her fat lardy ass down the gym - or check in for a major liposuction procedure? What’s your view of Michelle’s dentistry – does she have more teeth than a piranha? Do Michelle’s buns qualify her as a Hottentot Venus pin-up? Did you get a hard-on while viewing her Google piccy?

Send us your comments using the online form below and we’ll pass them onto our CIA and Homeland Security judges - and you could win first prize in our Extraordinary Rendition competition and be on a flight to Uzbekistan – blindfolded and handcuffed - before you can say “WTF – Help!”

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address so your Democrat neighbours can come round and throw firebombs through your windows.

Mammoth Crap Holds Key to Global Warming

Ever since Al Bore’s ‘A Convenient Pile of Bullshit’ movie won an Oscar for the best work of fiction in Hollycrud's prestigious Academy Awards ‘Propaganda and Scaremongering’ category the eco-fascist AGW alarmist lobby has been searching for anything that might resemble evidence to support Fat Al’s fantasy suppositions – and has more substance than scent – or CO2.

Now, ‘maybe’ just by chance, the Chicken Little gang might have found the serendipitous answer they’ve been searching for – in piles of 13,000 year-old mammoth shit – with a big ‘perhaps’ on the ‘maybe’.

Mammoth dung has been proving to be a source of prehistoric information in helping crapologists unravel the mystery of what caused the great mammals to die out.

An examination of a fungus that is found in the ancient piles of pachyderm shite preserved in lake sediments has helped build a picture of what happens to crap that gets submerged for millenniums – and too prompted scientists to speculate it was little wonder they died out – from crapping in - then drinking from - the same pond.

Now the Chicago Climate Exchange (CCX – North America’s only carbon cap n trade system for all six hundred designated greenhouse gases) publicity stooges claim the study sheds light on the ecological cause and effect consequences of the extinction of the megafauna - and too the role that humans definitely played in it.

The study was led by Professor Fellattia Bore (no relation), a leading expert on coprolites, from Utah’s meritorious University of Latter Day Scatology.

She and her colleagues studied the Sporormiella fungal spores contained in the sediments deep within the bed of Lake Feculence in Arkansas.
Many very large mammals including mammoths, mastodons, giant badgers and ground sloths inhabited forests in this area of North America up to 13,500 years ago.

Sporormiella produces spores in the dung of large herbivores which ultimately end up preserved in the layers of mud and silt and can provide an index of the number of these behemoths, or megafauna, that roamed the environment at a particular time.

The team counted the pollen, charcoal and Sporormiella in these layers of mud, tracking the timescale of ancient environmental changes which indicated a decline in megafauna that occurred about 13,500 years ago along with evidence of major environmental changes around the time of the extinction.

The CCX propagandists now claim the study proves that the decline and extinction parallels the Clovis period - when the archaeological record shows that humans were making flint spear and arrowheads (Clovis points) to hunt large animals - and burning forests to produce charcoal for their barbeques and meat smoking.

Hence the Clovis people’s carbon footprint – due the release of CO2 from their huge forest fires and barbies – caused a massive environmental catastrophe – and their over-hunting of the megafauna resulted in its demise and inevitable extinction.

Well, that’s the tune the global warming scaremongers are now humming as their sacred mantra – Man did it before and now he’s going to do it again! Cap n Trade! Cap n Trade! Polly wants some greenie points!

Conversely Professor Morton Fuctifino of Harvard’s Department of Climate Guessology informed Pox News “Actually we haven’t got as f*cking clue what caused it really – but Big Al Bore and his CCX boys are funding our research for the next decade – and paying my salary – so I’m supporting the theory all out that it was the Clovis bunch and their troglodyte mates Neanderthal Norman and Cro-Magnon that hunted the big hairy elephant thingies to extinction and caused the environment to screw up with all the CO2 they were putting out.”

And all would have ended happily ever after if a group of archeologists and geologists working in tandem had not come along and pissed all over the CCX bonfire by producing incontrovertible evidence that the mass disappearance of the North American megafauna was not gradual but caused by an instantaneous extinction level event when a gargantuan extraterrestrial object (meteor) struck downtown Little Rock 13,500 years ago snuffing mammoths, sloths – the lot – in one fell swoop.

Thus the CCX alarmists have again been forced back to the drawing board now it has been conclusively proved to them that their assertion claiming the demise and eventual extinction of the mega-fauna was based on faulty science and most definitely not caused by Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble – or the good citizens of Bedrock.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Alcohol 'Protects Men's Hearts'

After hearing – and reading - so much crap for so long - that alcohol stuffs up your liver, brain cells, memory, gives you gout, causes stomach ulcers, Diabetes B - Mk 1, 2 and 3 varieties, and a plethora of other internal and external physical nasties – plus a few psychotic problems such as hallucinations, delirium tremens, galloping paranoia and psychopathic tendencies - our esteemed government are now pronouncing it's actually quite good for you – to the extent of – and here we quote – “it protects men’s hearts”.

Apparently the volte-face in NHS policy has manifested after Downing Street was informed the national brewing, pubs, clubs and bars businesses could go totally bankrupt and put a couple of million more peasants out of work – thus sending the Chancellor Darling’s revenue collection into a fatal downward spiral – if Brown’s inept government maintain its anti-boozing campaigns.

The survey, carried out by the Smegmadale Institute for Latter Day Alkies, involved more than 15,500 men and 26,000 women across the UK and discovered large quantities of alcohol could be even more beneficial for men – and the Chancellor’s depleted coffers.

The researchers placed the participants into six ‘pisshead’ categories - from never having drunk more than the odd glass of turp’s at Christmas to drinking an excess of 180 grams of alcohol each day. This would be the equivalent of consuming about twenty bottles of wine a week, or sixty pints of lager – the normal intake for the unemployed British benefits cheat with heart problems.

For those drinking little - less than six shots of creosote a day for instance - the risk was reduced by 35% - and for those who drank anything from three shots to more than 11 shots each day, the risk worked out an average of 50% less.
A comparative ‘blind’ test revealed that people who drank neat anti-freeze, Sunny D’ orange spiked with paint thinners or Meths Breezer and Red Bull cocktails were likely to be dead before Christmas.

The same benefits were not seen in women due them being stone-hearted bitches to begin with.
Researchers speculated this difference could also be down to the fact that women process alcohol differently as they piss a pint for every one drunk.

The exact mechanisms are as yet unclear, but it is believed that alcohol helps to raise high-density lipoproteins, sometimes known as good cholesterol, which helps stop so-called bad cholesterol from causing arterial blockages like a peak-hours traffic jam on the M25.

However this theory falls flat on its proverbial arse if the drinker stands at a pub bar quaffing pints of lager and eating bag after bag of high octane synthetic pork scratchings and bacon fries – neither of which have ever seen a pig.

Self-appointed UK medical gurus claim the ‘ healthy heart’ findings should be treated with caution because the science behind them is profit-driven and makes f*ck all sense considering they do not take into account the range of other diseases known to be caused by excess drinking.

Conversely, the Stroke of Bad Luck Association – always the first to piss on anybody’s bonfire - meanwhile noted the evidence, per se, indicated that people who regularly consumed a large amount of alcohol had a ten-fold increased risk of having a cerebral apoplexy (stroke).

Doctor Fellatia van der Gamm, president of the UK’s Institute for Advanced Guessology, agreed that the message from this study was utter bullshit : "All a boozer is doing is juggling different risks and benefits – swilling more beer to protect their heart and at the same time f*cking up their brain and liver.”

So, taking the optimistic view, it is now a proven medical fact - alcohol 'protects men's hearts' – great stuff. A pity it doesn’t say anything about women’s tickers.

Good news for alcoholics at least. As on was overheard commenting to his pal “Hey, even if the liquor still fucks up yer liver and grey cells who gives a flying shite – yer hearts a good-un.”
“Right on, Cyril – anybody fancy a discount binge-drinking bender at Wetherspoons?”

Con-Com's Phone System Thwarts Jailers

Sir Jarvis Armitage-Shanks, the chairman of HM Scallydale Prison's Independent Monitoring Board, told the media that illegal phones are fuelling jailbird drug trading and turning honest penitentiaries into hotbeds of crime.

Pontificating to reporters that the only way – in his unqualified opinion – to stop prisoners using cellphones to order pizza deliveries - and arranging for their outside gangs to pull off robberies, and snuff witnesses vital to prosecutions in ongoing trials, is to employ anti-terrorist technology to jam the incoming and outgoing mobile phone signals.

This statement elicited several puzzled looks and bouts of head-scratching from sober journalists before the illustrious chairman was asked “Why don’t you conduct a thorough search – turn the entire prison over – and confiscate any and all contraband materials – including guns, inflatable love dolls and mobile phones?”

Good question – but one not that simple to answer – and an even more difficult task to implement with any modicum of success – if a centenarian duffer like Armitage-Shanks is to be believed.

Following the prison’s Christmas celebrations in 2008 the Governor ordered a full search of each cell for – oddly enough – cellphones – an exercise in which 845 mobiles were seized – which wasn’t bad going for a prison population of 1,650 – including visitors and Albanian pikey squatters.

However the prison’s Grassers & Snitches Association quickly leaked vital info’ that the 800-plus seized mobiles were the inmate’s old units - ready for shit-canning and recycling.

A further surprise search – prior to which wardens were ordered not to tell more than a dozen of their con’ clients – was scheduled but only managed to turn up two cocoa cans and a long piece of string – plus a pair of dessert spoons used to tap out Morse code on the prison’s water pipes.

Shanks revealed that top security wing prisoners actually resorted to concealing their state-of-the-art Blackberry Smart phones and Crapple iPhones by shoving them up the back passage of some hapless trustee, sheathed in a condom, and simply retrieved them – sanitised – when there was ‘business’ to be done.

There is speculation – obviously unfounded – that members of the prison staff – particularly wardens – are being induced – for illicit fiscal remuneration - to not only conceal cell phones on their person for use by certain high profile villains but to also provide a full and efficient mobile phone service – with cheaper calls after 6:00pm and at weekends and 20 free text messages with every £50 pay-as-you-go top up.

The Ministry of Justice has responded with the futile statement that it is already a criminal offence to smuggle a phone into one of Her Majesty’s prisons – a crime which you can actually go to prison for - and that a new bill before the House of Conmans includes legislation intended to make it illegal for convicts to possess a phone while they are incarcerated – another offence they could well go to jail for.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Scandalson’s Last Stand

Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown is getting lambasted by demands to have a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle and make the current incumbernt Foreign Secretary, David Millipede, Chief Tea wallah while elevating Business Sec' Lord Peter Scandalson to the vacated post in a pot-boiling row that risks tearing apart his already rag-tag government of political losers and last ditch wannabe’s.

The Business Secretary’s Mentor and Patron (and puppet-Master) Shylock banking kingpin Baron Ja’ackoff Rothschild, is secretly pressing Brown to hold a cabinet reshuffle so ‘Scandy’ can achieve his life-long ambition of fucking up the Foreign Office by influence-peddling and wheeler-dealing with lots of heathen Semites and other dodgy faggot types until Labour get tossed out of office next May.

Hot gossip fresh from the Rumour Mill claims Scandalson took his sad poofta arse off to Baron Rothschild’s to whinge and beg for his intercession after he was snubbed for the post of the E-USSR’s foreign minister at last week’s Brussels summit.

A well placed No 10 Downing Street insider who spoke to the Daily Shitraker on conditions of anonymity – and for a bundle of twenties (Mrs. Sarah Brown) confided “This is a highly volatile situation – poor Gordie’s facing opposing demands from the most powerful people in the Cabinet and the City.”

However if the hapless Broon bows to Rothschild’s wishes and Scandalson’s demands he risks alienating David Millipede, the foreign secretary, and his ally Ed Ballsup, the schools secretary, who is still eager for a spot of wel-earned and overdue promotion himself.

If he refuses Scandalson’s demand, the irascible poof will no doubt stage one of his usual tantrums, spit the dummy and thrown all his toys out of the pram - which some fear could have potentially devastating consequences for a general election that’s already lost.

The egocentric Scandalson is known to harbour ambitions to follow in the footsteps of his grandfather Herbert Morrison, the iconic Labour politician who left school at 7 years of age and worked as an apprentice tomcat strangler until he secured a job as Chief Spitoon and Gob wallah to Winston Churchill.

Morrison followed Winnie into Downing Street in 1940 and was made Foreign Secretary by the then PM Churchill, and tasked to negotiate with Germany whose turn it was to bomb whom – and when - a major misunderstanding that resulted in the Blitz and saw Morrison demoted to Coal Scuttle wallah.

The Daily Shitraker maintains Scandalson was promised the job if FS Millipede became the E-USSR’s high representative. When Millipede again turned down the role last week, Randy Scandy launched an 11th-hour bid to secure the Brussels job for himself – which was kiboshed inside Brussels by technocrats who know from past experience what a power-hungry nasty cunt he is.

Both Millipede and Alistair Darling, the Chancellor are suffering from the Mushroom Syndrome – being kept in the dark and fed shit – and apparently know nothing of the secret discussions that might involve their political fates.

Jarvis Thort-Nott, the official House of Conmans spokesperson for Parliament’s Cross-Dressing Society and an ex-schoolchum of Scandalson’s, informed the media “Petey is very happy where he is but he told Gordon he wants to be Foreign Secretary, just like his grandfather – or else - but he’ll deny it if you ask him.”

“Pete’s simply a serial fuck-up and he’s ready to climb over any number of bodies – dead or injured - to get to the throne you know – scruples, moral and conscience are simply not a part of the equation any longer - though I'll bet he wouldn't be so keen to climb into poor David's coffin, now would he."

“But Gordon’s in a funny position with this cluster fuck if he suddenly makes Peter - an unelected Lord who was previously forced out of the cabinet twice for dodgy activities - the Foreign Secretary and kicks Dave Millipede out on his bony arse. Now that will be the final slap in the face for the British voter.”

“Oh well, you all know what a lying bastard Peter is, so believe sweet fuck all he tells you and keep reading the tabloids.”

French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’

The Conseil d’Etat, France's highest court, has ruled that U.S. agrochemical bully boy Monsanto has been lying through its proverbial teeth concerning the safety record of the best-selling weed-killer, Phuck_Up.

The court confirmed an earlier judgment that Monsanto had falsely advertised its dodgy toxic herbicide as "biodegradable" and claimed it ‘left the soil clean’ when in fact it has the half life of several millenniums and left the ground, sub-soil and water table as toxically contaminated as Hiroshima’s following their ‘August Surprise - Surrender or Else' nuclear trick or treat in 1945.

French environmental groups had brought the case in 2001 on the basis that radiaoactive glyphoshitphate, Phuck_Up's main ingredient, was classified as "dangerous for the environment" by the E-USSR’s Ministry of Nasty Chemicals.

Monsanto already dominates America’s food chain with its genetically modified seeds which produce genetically-modified cereals that then genetically-modify the DNA of farm animals that eat them – and thus on through eggs, milk and meats that genetically-modify the DNA of the human product consumers.

Er, that’s us by the way!

Just as frightening as the corporation’s nefarious business tactics - which include a few Biblical classics such as bearing false witness, blackmail, FDA bribery, graft, corruption and instigating oppressive and ruthless legal battles against small farmers - is its decades-long history of toxic contamination of the environment , animals and the people who come into contact with their crap products.

Monsanto has become the name of a most Satanic cloud hanging over the future of health and food safety across the entire globe – wherein profit is all and any major screw-ups will be met with litigation down the road.
This powerful entity has already managed so many reprehensible acts it boggles the mind, including dragging a most reluctant agricultural industry into a new age of hazardous genetic modification of seeds.

Now France’s Conseil d’Etat has confirmed the earlier judgment that Monsanto falsely advertised its cash cow Phuck_Up herbicide as "biodegradable" that "left the soil clean" -- claims that are totally abstracted from the truth. What ‘honest’ (sic) lawyers term “a pack of f*cking lies”.

However what do we expect from a company that produced two of the most toxic chemical substances ever known -- polychlorinated biphenyls, known as PCBs, and dioxin (Agent Orange) – and guaranteed they too were the next best thing since sliced bread.

Glyphoshitphate, the active ingredient in Phuck_Up, is the most commonly reported cause of pesticide illness among farmers, gardeners, al fresco prostitutes and landscape maintenance workers across the US.

The surfactant and adjuvant ingredients in Phuck_Up are not inert and become more acutely toxic than glyphoshitphate itself, and the combination of the two is a direct cause of genetic damage – in animals and humans.

Think Gulf War Syndrome – then multiply it by ten.

Glyphoshitphate is acutely toxic to fish and birds and can kill beneficial insects – especially pollinating bees - and soil organisms that maintain ecological balance – worms, moles, tunnel rats and shit like that. In fact it’s toxic to any living thing it comes into contact with.

In one environmental study wetback Mexican gardeners working around Texas were asked to gargle with glyphoshitphate every morning as a cure for ‘beaner breath’, which resulted in a 50% mortality rate, and skeletal alterations were observed in over 90% of their female partner’s fetuses.

This has become a major worry because mega-tons of Phuck_Up are used every year on U.S. gardens, lawns and farms, especially on GM crops that are engineered to be Phuck_Up resistant.
It has now been scientifically proven that Monsanto’s GM Frankenstein Phuck_Up Ready crops, which are very common in the United States, contain massive Phuck_Up glyphoshitphate residues.

A study published earlier this year by the Chemotherapy Gazette even showed, for the first time, just how toxic these residues may be to your health when one woman’s body hair, teeth and fingernails fell out after eating a GM corn cob that had been sprayed with Phuck_Up while growing.

Little wonder the global organic agricultural community have re-named Monsanto's seeds and crops as Tumour_Boosters.

Regardless of the massive corruption inside the FDA that has seen Monsanto’s dodgy products approved and marketed, scientists were well aware that GM foods were a total opposite to natural foods, and that their creation could prompt unknown and unpredictable health problems – especially so in animal and human DNA. .

This manifested as a yet another major bribery and corruption scandal with bully boy Monsanto’s genetically engineered bovine growth hormone ‘Posilac’ (rbGH/rbST) being injected into dairy cattle and the milk from such causing boosted levels of IGF-1 (Insulin Growth Factor) in humans that has been directly linked to a variety of nasty cancers – typically breast and colonic.

Ah well, while you have the laws of the land , and too of logic and common sense, being ridden rough shod across and manipulated by scumbag lawyers to serve the benefit of the few to the detriment of the many, the FDA and their corrupt membership will continue to behave like jukebox politicians – drop a few coins in and they’ll play any tune you want.

Monday, 23 November 2009

21/12/2012 : Oprah-Geddon Approaches

2012 is coming – approaching fast. A time to be afraid – very afraid – as the threadbare cliché goes. Actually I’d advise you to be more than very afraid - shit-scared would be more appropriate, in point in fact.

2012 - the end of the World as we know it – and all thanks to Oprah Winfrey.

Well, it was precisely this the Maya prophesied zillions of years ago -The Apocalypse / Armageddon - the end of Western civilization - and all due Oprah Winfrey saying ‘stuff it’ and putting herself out to grass – then the show goes off the air - 21/12/2012 - for all Eternity.

Oh yes, billions will succumb to the Tribulation and mass suicides become a daily norm – but the time has finally arrived for this living legend – the black Matriarch of talk show hosts - after 25 years of the same old shit - to call it a day and ascend to sit at the right hand of God.

As Oprah herself admitted to reporters “I was just listening to the TV set in the kitchen one day last week - cold white noise ya know - and this bitch was yabbering on about some pointless shit or the other and I thought OMG she’s more full of crap than a Christmas goose and I walked back into the room and it was ME on the telly – talking utter nonsense.”

“That was the morning I sat down in front of my bedroom dressing table mirror and took a long hard look at myself and decided I was starting to sound like Richard Nixon or Clinton or Dubya – or some other pontificating Gospel Ministry dildo - and it was time to give it all up and retire.”

And this is what the unwashed masses - the common herd - fear the most – having to face Reality – turn the goggle box on and no more Oprah. A fate worse than death itself.

Such is the numpty dumpty depth and intensity of America's relationship with Oprah that her decision to cut n run is being reported as the end of an era – the actual World in fact.

Numb nuts viewers are already reminiscing about the show where she gave every member of the audience a blow job or the way she marked the programme's 20th Anniversary by taking 1,000 members of her staff for an organic enema in Thailand.

And now she claims it’s herself that needs a ‘brain enema’ - to get all the shit out of her head and relax with a capital R.

Her audiences, the female of the species especially so, have always got to share in her joys and sorrows – unwanted pregnancies, winning at online Bingo, DIY abortions, catching doses of the clap, menopause, incontinence.
Too, they’ve read the books and viewed the DVD’s she’s recommended, and use the same models of sex toys that Oprah gets her own jollies off with.

As to political clout her influence on the voting public is so great that it amounts to a kind of hypnotic puppet master power. She personally is beholden as an icon of black achievement and her decision to endorse Barky Obama as the Democratic presidential candidate after announcing she couldn’t see the first lady Pres’ of the US being a raving dyke certainly swung a legion of votes his way – including a couple of million diehard Republicans votes too.

That was the moment to prove Oprah was unique. Try to imagine candidates for the most powerful job on Earth weighed down with the clutter and burden of disadvantages that Obama had.
Black – Kenyan – a coke-snorting closet faggot with a forged Hawaiian birth certificate – and a memory so like a sieve he needs a teleprompter to say ‘Hope and Change’.

So, whether you voted for Obama or not – blame Oprah for the fact he’s in the White House.

Not Guilty - by Reason of Being Asleep

A husband who killed his wife by strangling her while he was purportedly asleep and dreaming about fighting off a gang of burglaring scally yobs who broke into his camper van to steal the latest version of the X-Box video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare Mk 2 - has been cleared of uxoricide – the nice legal term for murdering the bitch.

Wilf Fuctifino 95, admitted to the court he might well have killed his spouse Candida, 17, in their camper van by mistake for the burglar he dreamed he was strangling but blamed the entire affair on his rare sleep disorder – Psychopathic Nap Syndrome.

The trial was described to the media as being "more fucked up than a soup sandwich" by prosecuting barrister Sir Armitage Shanks QC, who specialises in cases of somnambulist homicide.

Jurors were told by Judge Ghengis Chuckabutty at the start of the trial that they could reach only two verdicts for the murder charge : not guilty by reason of insanity or not guilty by reason of being asleep.

Mr Fuctifino, a retired doormat comber, told the court in his own defence “It were her own effin’ fault fer cookin’ cottage pie with a cheese and mash crust on it that evenin’ – she knew that always makes me dream like merry hell.”

The court was presented with evidence that tests commissioned by both the prosecution and the defence were carried out on Mr Fuctifino as he took an Irish power nap for three hours – following a supper consisting of two large bowls of cottage pie topped off with Danish Blue and Stilton cheeses ( the old socks variety) – to substantiate his claims of a sleep disorder.

During the night infra-red CCTV cameras and microphones recorded the accused shouting “Get the fuck off me bike yer scally twat”, then jumping out of bed and strangling the bathroom shower curtain before peacefully dozing off again.

The following evening Mr Fuctifino – after being asleep for two hours - with recorded Delta wave patterns – jumped out of bed shouting “No effin’ vampire’s sucking my blood!” and proceeded to strangle the shower curtain (Exhibit C) once more.

Dr. Miguel Siesta, a Mexican psychologist specialising in somnambulism from the prestigious Royal Institute for Nodding Off, agreed Mr Fuctifino’s behaviour was consistent with automatism, which meant at the time he killed his wife his mind had no conscious control of what the hell he was doing – and his unconscious – or sub-conscious mind - thought he was fighting with an intruder when in fact his hands were round her neck, throttling the very life out of her.

The prosecution advised the jury that at 06:00 the next morning Mr Fuctifino called 999, a recording of which was later played to the court, wherein the accused stated “Me effin’ missus is laid out all stiff and dead like ‘ere in the camper van. I reckon it musta bin them burglar blokes I ‘ad a fight wiv last night wot’s done ‘er in.”

During the trial a psychiatrist for the prosecution, Dr Fellattia Gammer, informed the court she did not think Mr. Fuctifino posed a risk and should walk free – but with the proviso any future female bed partners receive a precursory warning of the dangers of strangulation – or worse - when sleeping next to him.

Wham, bam, slam – case dismissed.

Now doesn’t that set a unique precedent for disposing of unwanted partners and avoiding costly divorce settlements – “Really your Honour, I dreamed I was being abducted by a Grey alien and strangled the twat.”

And who said that Monopoly ‘Get out of Jail Free’ cards were bullshit.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Xmas Carol Singing Banned as Offensive

Oh yes, Christmas is coming, just around the corner in fact. The Festive Season of Peace on Earth and Good Will to all Men.

So, are we all prepared for an evening’s visit from our local Church group’s carol singers? Mince pies and mulled wine at the ready, along with a handful of shiny silver coins for the collection tin?
Er – actually no - the Spirit of Xmas, under new E-USSR ‘Scrooge’ legislation and personal household security guidelines, has gone the way of the dinosaur and is deader than the Dodo.

While the sound of carol singers at the door at Christmas is as traditional as stuffing the ubiquitous turkey, since the Treaty of Lisbon has now been ratified and the Brussels bully boys can impose their totalitarian iron will, carollers will be banned from approaching private houses anywhere in the European community.

Householders across the UK are being provided with posters by local council jobsworths that warn carol singers will not be welcome this Christmas because many residents are uncomfortable with having groups of strangers knocking at the door of their manky mangers – even if they are posing as Wise Men and bearing gifts of gold, frankenstein and myrrh (WTF is myrrh?).

The posters are to be affixed to windows or garden gates – or hung from a Pit Bull’s collar - informing carol singers that their unsolicited 'cold call' intrusion is an assault on privacy and constitutes an act of gross harassment – and further advises that they fuck off sharpish-like and ply their joyful hymns and festive spirit elsewhere.

This latest piece of Big Brother fascism from Brussels has stunned residents and church leaders in Smegmadale who claim it goes against the message of Christmas and would really piss Jesus right off if he was around today - having the E-USSR banning the public utterance of Hallelujahs on his 2009th birthday celebrations bash.

Father Nick Mephistopheles, the Vicar of St. Sodom’s Chrurch of Latter Day Scallies told a reporter from the Heathens Gazette that carol singers were part of the Christmas tradition and branded the posters 'a terrible state of affairs'.

However Smegmadale police Inspector Ebeneezer Killjoy informed a news hack from the Sad Bastards Gazette they had in past years received numerous complaints from residents that carol singers doing the rounds of the neighbourhood were simply an unwanted source of discordant cachophony with their bashing tambourines and triangles and warbling sentimental religious hymns which disturbed the evening viewing of Emmerdale and Strictly Come Bonking – especially so when one of their number came banging on the front door to cadge a few quid to buy mince pies for the local Tiny Tom Orphanage.

96-year old pensioner Gladys Scrunt opined to the media “I went ter the effin’ front door last Christmas ter give the carol singers a few bob and while I woz there one of their scally mates crept in through the kitchen window an’ nicked me telly – so Merry Christmas and the carol singers can go an’ eff’ off right proper like, if yer catch me drift.”

Ms Fellattia van der Gobble, spokeswoman for the Common Purpose social engineering and NLP brainwashing organisation - and herself a volunteer Civil Enforcement Officer for the local council’s Gestapo squad - told Pox News that the actual religious theme of Christmas and extolling the spirit thereof was offensive to minority sections of opposing faiths and complaints had been made by members of the Buddist, Jewish, Muslim and Pancake Tuesday Adventist communities who considered carol singing an unwanted violation of their cultural sensibilities.

Conversely local BNP representative Ghengis McTwat told a reporter from the Bigots Review “Fellattia – as usual - is more full of shit than a Christmas goose.”
“Regardless of her Common Purpose do-gooders claiming these Muslim gits consider our Christmas celebrations and carol singing to be an affront to their cultural sensibilities we have to put up with some infidel prick screamin his effin’ head off several times a day – pre-dawn an after dark - from the top of their manky mosque’s minaret! Now that does do yer effin’ head in.”

The E-USSR’s Department for Wasting Time and Money is currently considering implementing legislation to ban children from leaving out a mince pie and a glass of sherry or egg nog by the fireplace for Santa on Christmas Eve as they consider it promotes too much trust in young children and could lead to paedophile assaults.

Cameroon Corruption : Force 9 on Beaufort Scale

Amidst a growing maelstrom of rumour, gossip and scandal Cameroon's security chief Rastus Chuckabutty has finally admitted some 300,000 people hoping to get jobs in the police force have written, phoned or e-mailed him directly begging for preferential treatment – most of them his relatives – or someone related to someone who knows someone else who knew someone his mother used to buy voodoo dolls from.

However General Chuckabutty, who has now vowed that a recruitment drive launched earlier this year will be fair, told reporters from the Nepotism Gazette that all friends, family and colleagues who had paid up front for favours in securing one of the sought-after 1,600 police jobs would get their money back.

Applicants have been waiting for months for the results of entrance exams and some believe the process might be corrupt.
But General Chuckabutty, who also serves as Minister for Graft & Corruption, promised to publish entrance exam results to ensure fairness.

“You know, some of dese applicant am not got a cat in Hell’s chance of bein’ a cop cos you just have to look at de exam paper an’ dey cannot even spell dere own name – in fact some do not even know dere own name and put down de name of a friend.”

“See here – twenty-two exam papers all wid de name ‘Des Tutu’ – jest cos it is easy to spell – and only half spell dat right also – look at dis here - ‘Dizzy Two-Three.”
“It is all so obviously obvious – and blatant – why would Bishop Desmond Tutu want to come from his nice home in South Africa to get a job as a cop in a shithole like Yaounde?”

Chuckabutty revealed more than 300,000 people had taken the entrance exam, which consists of ten ‘pick and mix’ multiple choice questions and is based on the same test and selection format used by the elite FBBI ( Federal Bureau for Bananas & Ivory) – in neighbouring Equatorial Guinea.

One French UN observer, speaking on conditions of anonymity, (Giles van der Snitch) confided with the International Daily Shitraker as to why the Cameroon police force was recruiting another 1,600 members to the force.

“It is because they need the extra hands to collect the baksheesh for President Biya’s wife, Chantal. She is very much into mining operations here – just like her good friend Disgrace Rhubarbie in Zimbabwe.”

“She drives around the countryside in her armoured Humvee limousine and when she sees something she wants she tells her security people “That’s Mine!” and “This is Mine too!” A farm, a car, a business, a house, even a fat pig – like herself.”

“Oh yes, it is a very profitable business for our First Lady – ‘mining’ in Cameroon.”
“You know the joke - what’s the difference between the Cameroon National Police Force and an organized Crime Syndicate? Absolutely none.”

In one trivial aside, Mrs. Chantal Biya, the six foot- six inch Amazon First Lady who towers above her four foot Lilliputian mental pygmy of a Presidential husband Paul – is regarded as Africa’s Imelda Marcos with regard to hair pieces and wigs – and materialistic gluttony - and has her own giant beehive coiffeur styled each morning by a flock of domesticated weaver birds.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Carbon Cap n Trade? – Eat the Dog

Doubtless 50% of the UK’s half-awake population have been brainstormed by know-all media pundits gobbing off about the forthcoming global warming propaganda summit in tropical Copenhagen next month – and may well have scratched their arses – and then their collective heads – for a brief and fleeting moment – about doing their bit for Al Bore and Mother Nature - and cleaning up their carbon footprint.

So where do you start cutting the family's greenhouse gas emissions? Turn off the telly? (no way Edgar). Grow Giant Sequoias in the back garden instead of daffodils? Trade in the 4 x 4 Chelsea Tractor for a mountain bike? Volunteer Granny for one of the NHS funded ‘Euthanasia First’ assisted suicide trips to Switzerland?

Or - according to a new celebrity chef cookbook – ‘Pet Recipes’ – flog the dog - and Granny’s cat - to the local butcher.

The recently-published book - co-authored by Kiwi down-under ‘Petophobes’ Jasper and Candida McTwat – claims that the real answer to solving global warming isn’t getting China to de-industrialise or shutting off the world’s electricity and fuel supplies but giving all our cuddly companions the proverbial hoof – with the ubiquitous dogs and cats topping the pet popularity list.

According to the E-USSR’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money covert pet census, dogs claim the number one spot with six million UK households owning a four-legged barking machine. Cats are right behind with 5.2 million UK homes having at least one manky moggy in residence.

The McTwat’s ‘Pet Recipes’ book focuses on our pet’s environmental Carbon Paw Prints and they argue, convincingly, that the amount of CO2 produced by an average town’s dogs and cats surpasses that generated by the Space Shuttle heading off to the International Space Station every week to deliver the newspapers, semi-skimmed milk and fresh bread.

The authors claim that keeping a large dog (German Shepherd / Doberman) has the same ecological impact as driving a 4.6 litre Land Cruiser 10,000 miles per year – with your average mangy cat equalling the carbon output of a 250cc trail bike doing a similar mileage.

Instead of measuring emissions of CO2 equivalents, the McTwats calculate the literal footprint or "global hectare" (gha) - the amount of land it takes to support a given activity.
They calculate that constructing and driving the Land Cruiser for a year takes 0.81 gha.
Growing and manufacturing the 264 kg of meat and 125 kg of cereal biscuit a Doberman eats every year gives it a pawprint of 1.1 gha.

Hence the choice, in their logical, common sense opinion - and mathematical estimation is simple - keep driving the 4 x 4 and eat the Doberman. Or, if you’re a motor bike enthusiast – keep the Enduro and barbeque the cat.

(According to the book’s comparative statistics columns the average resident of the UK requires just 1.89 gha per annum to survive and thrive – whereas the average overweight American, by contrast, requires a whopping 9.5 gha)

However some pet lovers will be relieved to know that the carbon pawprints of other pets are not so damaging.
A hamster’s is just 0.014 gha, and a canary’s footprint 0.007 gha – with the most carbon efficient pet being a goldfish – which has a tiny "finprint" of just 0.00034 gha.
However the argument goes that as cuddly conversation companions goldfish really suck.

Thus how can we get the companionship and pleasure of pet ownership without it weighing too heavily on our carbon consciences?
Well, the McTwats have the solution to that dilemma already solved – after we’ve eaten our ‘environmental enemy’ doggy and pussy cat pets we should swing to keeping chickens and rabbits - which will not only keep us company but make a tasty dinner too.

Zambia’s Political 'Porno' Pantomime

The topsy-turvy world of African patronage politics and the executive rule of law have just received not only a good shake up but a sound and square kick in the proverbial goolies - with Zambian President Rupiah Jaffacake being equally ridiculed as a total moron and castigated as a slack-arsed administrative failure of the Nth Degree by every f*cker and their dog – both at home and abroad.

The ridicule and castigation factors spring from the arrest and trial of Zambian crusading journalist Miss Chansa Kabwela for pornography charges after hand delivering news photos of a woman giving birth in the back of a taxi on Lusaka’s main hospital forecourt to a number of prominent business people, women's rights groups and the government officials responsible for the pathetic health service in the dystopian basket case Third World country.

The incident occurred during a nationwide nurses' strike over conditions and pay (the nurses wanted some) with the mother being turned away from two other hospitals before her child started to be delivered in a breech birth position, with the head still inside the mother and the umbilical cord wound tightly around its neck – which resulted in its death through strangulation.

Upon receiving the photos from Ms. Kabwela and her letter of protest at government inaction in resolving the strike, Zambian President Rupiah Jaffacake described the photos as pornographic and ordered Kabwela’s arrest.

Obviously ‘pornography’ was, in this case, reclassified to equate as anything that showed the Pres’ and his useless corrupt administration up in a bad light.

The main foundation of Ms. Kabwela’s defence was that she had, as a responsible journalist and concerned citizen, acting in the public good, sent the photographs in protest at the effects of the strike that had paralysed the country's hospitals and caused unnecessary suffering – and death.

So President Jaffacake’s Director of Public Prosecutions was instructed to charge Ms. Kabwela with not only ‘distributing pornography’ – which carries a mere five year’s hard labour sentence - but also ‘sedition’ and ‘acts of domestic terrorism’ for attempting to undermine his Presidential authority and cause a ‘revolution’.

Fortunately in theis case - as with all pantomimes posing as governments – when run solely on the vehicles of nepotism and corruption – the right hand rarely knows what the left is doing.

Mr. Benson O’Dinga, the magistrate trying the case, informed the court that he had heard nothing to indicate the photographs were obscene – or been presented with evidence that affirmed such - apart from the President’s personal – and unqualified - opinion.

Obviously it was a gross mistake to have Magistrate O’Dinga judge the case as he and President Jaffacake were known to be from differing political camps and who had an established past record of calling each other idiots at every available opportunity - with both parties being perfectly correct on each successive occasion.

Declaring the charges against Ms. Kabwela to be politically motivated, O’Dinga acquitted her and dismissed said charges of ‘distributing obscene material with intent to corrupt public morals’, ‘sedition’ and ‘domestic terrorism’.
Outside the court, Ms Kabwela - who is news editor for The Zambian Shitraker - described the verdict as a victory for everyone affected by the strike.

"This victory to me is a victory for those that suffered during the strike and for the nurses who now might get paid all their overdue back salaries.”

However the last word went to President Jaffacake who told Fux News “Dis Kabwela bitch has done pursued de government wid allegations of graft and corruption and nepotism and I make no secret of de fact I dislike de paper.”

“What do dese people tink we go into politics for – pro-bono public service? We go so we can make a few kwachas extra for our retirement – or better still pounds and dollars and euros.”
“Now I have to go before another monkey pisses on me.”

Friday, 20 November 2009

PA Prudes Ignore Carbon Footprint

Wanksie, Pennsylvania (Dingbat News) – Chlamydia Muffrot, a 94-year old grandmother, was tasered and handcuffed, then charged with ‘domestic terrorism’ by brain-dead Homeland Security goons for pegging out her laundry on a clothesline strung between trees outside her 18th Century trailer park home in Redneck Hamlets.

The Widow Muffrot is among the growing number of carbon footprint conscious peasants right across the North American Federation - from Playa del Carmen on Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula to Canada’s shithole Dawson City – with PA residents right in the middle - fighting for the right to dry their laundry outside against a rising tide of local council Gestapo officials who oppose the practice due archaic cultural prudishness - despite its energy-saving green appeal.

While there are no formal laws in Wanksie against drying laundry outside, town Alderman Jasper Scumarotti called Granny Muffrot a couple of weeks ago and ordered her to stop hanging out her washing in the sunshine – or else – following complaints from niggardly neighbours (his Aunt Ghengis) stating they did not want to see her Ann Summers ‘Baby Doll’ lingerie flapping around in the breeze.

Mrs Muffrot, a chronic Tourette’s Syndrome sufferer, informed the Douchebags Gazette “These effin’ priggish neighbours o’ mine reckon me hangin’ the laundry out makes the place look like trailer trash – havin’ ter look outa their winders an’ see my unmentionables.”

“Well, so f*ckin’ what – it is an effin’ trailer park – what der f*ck do they expect?”
“Fer Christ’s sake – they’ve bin hand washed already down in the creek – it’s not as though me kex are covered in skidmarks.”

Granny Muffrot politely told Councillor McTwatte to go and f*ck a pig, and continued pegging her freshly-laundered clothes outside on the washing line to dry – regardless of her prudish neighbours frowning on the practice.

However, according to one whistle-blowing snitch employed at the Wanksie Town Hall, Alderman Scumarotti got on the phone to his brother Earl, a former tomcat strangler, who signed up with the local Homeland Security branch after returning to PA following a two-year stint working for the Pentagon’s Slackwater / Xe Renta-Thug agency at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison - manning the ‘complaints desk’.

Following her exchange of ‘opinions’ with Alderman Scumarotti, Granny Muffrot went on to found Wanksie’s ‘Project Alfresco Laundry’ group that campaigns for people to save money and reduce carbon emissions by drying their laundry in the fresh expanse of Mother Nature’s realm and only using their electric or gas dryers during inclement weather.

Next thing Granny Muffitch knows her trailer door gets kicked in at dawn and the Homeland Security SWAT squad drag her out of bed and toss her onto the lawn, where she gets tasered by Big Earl and his boys – then is forced to watch as her laundry’s blasted to the constituency of a fishing net by several volleys of 12 gauge #4 shot.

The last anyone heard of the Widow Muffitch she was seen dressed in a hi-viz orange jumpsuit boarding an extreme rendition flight to FEMA’s all-new Camp Holocaust in Alaska – pending charges of ‘domestic terrorism’ for being a founder-member of the anti-American ‘Project Alfresco Laundry’ radical militants group group that has established connections to Big Al Qaeda, the Taliban Dan Gang, Toys_R_Us, Abu Sayaff, Wal-Mart, Hezbollah – and Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters.

Rumpy Pumpy: E-USSR Presidential Favourite

Belgian Prime Minister Herman van Rumpy Pumpy appears to be the frontrunner for selection as the dystopic E-USSR's first permanent president at a summit in Brussels this coming Thursday.

The centre-right of left leader has a reputation as a canny duckfat chewer with a self-deprecating sense of humour (he jams sticks of rhubarb in his ears and does reindeer impersonations) which has helped him to hold together a fractious national coalition government who have suffered several calamitous ‘giggle’ failures this past two years after he abolished the Ministry for Graft and Corruption.

The low-key leader has been privately promised the support of both France and Germany regardless of the Rothshites and Peter Scandalson whingeing and pushing ex-UK Slime Minister and super-lying war criminal Tony Bliar to get the novel top job.

Conversely the 94-year-old Mr van Rumpy Pumpy is little known outside Belgium and has only travelled abroad once – for training in the Bavarian chapter of the Hitler Youth with his old German penpal Joey Ratflinger – the current Pope Benny Mk 16.

A veteran politician from the Christian Walloon and Baboon Party, he was originally reluctant to take on the post of prime minister but replaced Yves de Scallietti who was forced to resign amid a massive financial scandal last December, after just two days in the job when he was caught with his hand jammed firmly in the Finance Minister’s candy jar.

Something of a moderate in Belgium's increasingly polarised politics Rumpy Pumpy was eventually persuaded to take on the job by the Belgian King Albert the Great who promised him his own private stable of Thai shemale bitches.

Rumpy, who passed his 11-plus in Maths summa cum laude, inherited a nation facing a global economic crisis and recession that had crippled the institutional fat cat Belgian banking giant Krappe.

He has penned several books - mainly on offshore tax dodging havens - and is also an avid haiku writer - reputed to sometimes compose the 17-syllable Japanese-style nonsense poems – in Flemish - during political meetings and has been known to read out his compositions at such gatherings just to piss off the competition.

One offering on Mr van Rompuy's website is called ‘Shit-faced Yet Again’ but any message therein about his political ambitions is well concealed:

"Three waves roll
Along the harbour
The trio's home."

Hmmm, which makes about as much sense in Flemish as a set of Ikea flatpack wardrobe assembly instructions.

Before entering politics Mr van Rumpy Pumpy worked as a wheelbarrow salesman from 1972 to 1975. In fact the whole family have been associated with the Walloon wheelbarrow industry for four generations.

His younger brother, Eric van Rumpy Pumpy is currently employed in advanced wheelbarrow design for NATO - however his sister, Candida van Rumpy Pumpy told the family Patriarch to ‘stuff his wheelbarrows’ and works as a Pro-Dominatrix in Antwerp, and is a founding member of the Dog Wankers Party of Belgium.

So, ‘bonne chance’ to Monsieur van Rumpy Pumpy on his selection to become the E-USSR’s first President.
But like the man said – “Owt’s better than that scumbag warmonger Bliar wot can’t tell the truth even if he aint got a lie ready.”

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Apple’s iTit Set to Break Sales Records

Addressing a press conference at his corporate headquarters in California’s Sillicunt Valley, Steve Blobbs, the company founder of Crapple, announced today that they has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

This is further being considered a major social breakthrough due the fact whingeing women are forever complaining about men staring at their boobs and yet never listening to them.

Now the all-new and innovative Crapple iTit ‘Touch’ will allow men to do both at the same time – and at a mere cost of $599:99 to $749:99 - per implant - dependent on cup and speaker size.

Cosmetic surgeons, working in tandem with acoustic engineers from the music industry, recommend that both knockers (left and right) are treated simultaneously to provide the desired true Dolby stereo ‘surround sound’ as your partner can then play ‘telephones’ – and have one tit in his (or her) mouth and one in their ear.

The memory / function chip is based on an expanded version of the iPod’s and the iPhone’s, with music channel, volume, bass, treble etc adjusted through each nipple – incorporating push, pull and twist control features – with ‘woofers’ being an optional extra.

Charging and music uploads are done just the same as an iPod / MP3, but in this case the two-pole jack connector plugs into the left nipple’s lactation ostiole (right-hand nipple for Europe and Middle East).

The product will be advertised across the entire media spectrum by mega-boobed Pamela Anderson who had her personal 36 DD super-silicon iTit implants fitted last week and proudly informed the media – “Get a load of these bionic babies – wired for sound.”- and with a twist of her left nipple belted out a track from the chart-busting Aardvarks latest album - “Mutants on Welfare.”

Pamela will be appearing in a series of TV sales and marketing promo’ videos for the iTit, similar in context to Crapple’s ‘1984’ ad’ starring the hammer-lobbing Amazonian blonde bombshell Anya Major - which was directed by the Oscar-winning Wriggly Snott - to launch their first Slackintosh PC that gave Big Blue the ‘Big Finger’.

Corporate sales VP Billy Bob Buggeroff, exuding enthusiastic optimism, informed Fux News “We’ve shipped out 10,000 matched pairs of iTit ‘Touch’ implants to cosmetic surgeons around the country this past week alone.”
“You wanna see the orders that are flowing in from the Arab Gulf states and Japan. God bless credit card consumerism.”

However the rumour mill is rife with Chinese whispers and shit hot gossip that Microslop boss Bill Goats has apparently spit the dummy, thrown all his toys out of the pram and fired the company’s entire research team for letting Crapple f*ck them over big time on the development and patenting of this biometric first.

Ah well, shit happens Bill. Besta luck with Windows 7 and Vista.

Party Animal Gaddafi Goes Bonkers

Two hundred gold-digging Italian slappers bit off more than they could chew last Sunday night after answering a recruitment ad’ to attend a posh wine and dine shagfest do in the salubrious and elegant suburbs of exotic Rome.

However canapés and cocktails were definitely not on the strict Muslim menu and the legion of sun-tanned buxom young beauties found themselves being sermonised to convert to Islam, with a greater percentage going into knicker-pissing shit scared mode when they thought they were going to end up getting white-slaved into some Arabian harem as three-hole suck and swallow sluts for the rest of their natural born days.

Those replying to the newspaper ad’ claim the selection process had been stringent and the identity of their hosts remained – initially - a total mystery.

The girls had to be stunners - between 18 and 35 - a minimum of 5:7 tall and observe a strict dress code – no plunging cleavage-revealing dresses, fishnet stockings, mini-skirts, peephole bras or crotchless panties.

The two-hundred women who passed muster were then chauffeured out to a plush residential corner of the Italian capital where they went through a rigorous security shake-down before being shown into an elegant reception room without even a flute of Sunny D’ orange drink with a splash of paint thinners to whet their whistles.

After an hour of whispered speculations and pointless innuendo the host with the most was finally revealed – Colonel Muammar Maddafi – the Messiah of Africa himself - in person – who was in town to attend the UN’s Spaghetti summit.

Thoughts of ‘oh-ho’ crossed the minds of one and more of the canny lasses among the split-arsed group – we’re gonna get propositioned for an all-out cluster fuck orgy with the numpty Colonel and his Arab Bedouin mates.

But no, such a debauched evening’s entertainment was not on the menu either.
Maddafi hopped up behind a small podium and commenced lecturing the gang of two hundred – in Arabic – on the joys and delights of converting to Islam and being some manky Arab’s bed warmer, bottle washer and general all-round chattel for the rest of their lives.

He preached about the wonders and benefits of Islam, assuring his guests that it wasn’t really a misogynistic religion – well not too much of one - as long as they behaved and didn’t commit adultery - and encouraging them to convert.

Two hours later the girls were shipped back to town - looking a touch bemused, a mere 50 euros better off for their trouble - and clutching a freebie copy of the ‘Good News’ Koran – in Pashtu - plus a complimentary dose of earache from the numpty Colonel’s pontificating.

However, perhaps the next time the psychotic Colonel gets it into his head to recruit some Caucasian pussy to share his tent among the sands of old Araby he might log onto the net and Google up one of the myriad European dating agencies – such as Eros or Sapphic Delights if he wants to get really kinky and hit paydirt.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Robo-Rat : the Future of Service-Free Pets

Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company - when the kids get tired of playing with it.

No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets - the "must-have" present for Christmas 2009.

Believe it or not these are cuddly battery-operated robotic white rodents with a pink nose and genuine rat fur costing a mere £10 each - never need feeding, don’t piss and crap on the carpet and are programmed not to chew through electrical appliance leads and barbeque themselves with a 220 volt flash of lightining.

Zhu Zhu Pets, sold in the UK as Go Go Pets, are the hottest toy of the season –even outselling the all-new black latex-clad Dominatrix Barbie and her toyboy Ken - according to Ghengis McScrunt, CEO of retailer Toys_2_Kill_For - a gift horse phenomenon on a par with the DIY Hindley-Brady Moors Murderers kit - the smash hit with the kiddies at Christmas in 1966.

The range was launched this summer by Septic Skunks, a small Chinese company based in Wanking Province, founded in 2004 by Professor Sum Dum Fuk, an entrepreneur-inventor whose previous successes have included Gerald -a battery-powered robo-slug - and the famous ‘Dum Fuk solar powered chopsticks’.

However Prof’ Dum Fuk’s five interactive robo-rodent models - Mrs Twatte, Numbnuts, Scrunt, Cunthooks, and Pisspot - respond to touch with squeaks and can be set to run about randomly in “explore” mode, or to “squeal” with high anxiety when dropped into the toilet bowl for a swim – then shit on and flushed down the bog.

Their onboard memory chip is programmed to also react to separately sold accessories that include their own Kamikaze Corkscrew super slide, a bungee jumping kit that fastens to their tail - and a real spring-loaded ‘rodent trap’ to test and evolve the critter’s learning curve artificial intellligence abilities.

The robo-rats are programmed to respond with sound effects such as screeching and farting noises when you stamp on one or launch them out of the bedroom window onto the driveway.

“The robo-rodent range is just the beginning,” Professor Dum Fuk told a reporter from the Luddites Gazette. “We intend to develop a full line of cuddy furry critters with species-specific sounds and character traits that can be programmed to respond to an owners personal identity and requirements.”

“There will be hamsters, guinea pigs, chipmunks, deodorised skunks, manky meercats and squirrels. We were hoping to have our Wiley T. Coyote ready for the Christmas sales rush too but unfortunately we hit a couple of minor glitches and need to iron them out first – such as it’s propensity for poaching chickens – and cats.”

“The robo-rat range is washing machine and tumble dryer friendly and if the family dog or cat decides to gets their teeth into one then the Go-Go pet is programmed to deliver a 50,000 volt self-defence shock right up the animal’s richter from their built-in taser device.”

Conversely the RSPCA, animal rights groups and child welfare officers have jointly condemned the Go Go toys as a replacement for actual pets. They believe the idea of a real flesh and blood pet teaches a child to care for other sentient beings and develop empathy.

Ms. Candida Muffrot of ‘Child First’ told a reporter from the Cyberdyne Gazette that “If the batteries run down and the kid has lost interest or is busy elsewhere he won’t even bother to do a recharge. This will equate with real animals as not bothering to provide food and water.”

“Mark my words, the kids who get these toys for Christmas will be the next generation of sadists running Abu Ghraib Prison, water boarding terrorist suspects, piloting extreme rendition flights and turning the Zyklon B gas on in the showers at FEMA’s new re-education camps for domestic dissidents.”

Labour Candidate Calls Queen ‘Vermin in Ermin’

One of PM Gordon Brown’s brain-dead New Labour election candidates may be sacked before he even gets a job following the instance of his calamitous faux pas of publicly declaring the Queen to be a "parasite" and "vermin scum" on a Tory-owned website.

Jacko McScrunt, who is seeking election to Slumgutter Hamlets Borough Council in South London next May, wrote the comments on Tory MP Dinsdale Fuctifino’s Facebook page.
Mr Fuctifino, the incumbent MP for East Twatford, had posted an article calling for a national public holiday to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee in 2012, which prompted McScrunt's unsolicited and derogatory response.

McScrunt, who has recently undergone a course of rehab’ for chronic rhubarb addiction, claims in his defence he had apparently overdosed – accidentally - on his prescribed palliative custard tablets which caused a massive hormonal imbalance and prompted his damning cyber-outburst against Her Royal Majesty.

The scurrilous posting on Fuctifino’s Facebook website stated “Wot’s the point of celebratin’ 60 years of bein’ ruled by this royal scumbag wot’s born wiv a big P fer Privilege stickin’ outa her bony Saxe-Coburg-Gotha arse.”
“Her an’ the lot of ‘em foreign gits is all parasites wot milks this country for everythin’ they can.”

"She’ got more front than Margate asking fer extra money from the taxpayer ter pay fer her effin’ jubilee. Why don’t the old cow sell a couple of her properties like Balmoral or Windsor – or turn Buckingham bleedin’ Palace inter a bed an’ breakfast place ter earn a few honest bob – then she could pay fer all her grotty bird-beak kids ter have their ear pinned back an’ their piranha teeth fixed.”

McScrunt, a resident of Snotting Hill’s Anarchy Towers, closed his diatribe with the comment “Don't get me wrong cos I ain’t got no problem wiv havin’ an extra public holiday like but let’s have one wot means somethin’ – like Georgie Porgy Day when he kills some old dragon - rather than celebratin’ vermin like that bag Lizzie bein’ Queen fer sixty effin’ years."
“Well past her sell-by date – shelf life expired.”

Sir Jarvis Kluntt, Minister for Official Apologies, informed a reporter from the Atonement Gazette “Mr. McScrunt is well out of order and most definitely a rogue element as far as Labour policy and views concerning Her Majesty are concerned.”
“Seriously, we can’t have wannabe Labour councillors referring to our incumbent Monarch as a ‘sleazebag’ and a ‘sponging, scrounging git’ – even if it is the truth.”

In a later statement issued to Fux News McScrunt stated "The way I expressed meself woz totally inappropriate.”
"As I’ve got more chance of Hell freezin’ over than ever gettin’ elected now I regret wot I sed an’ apologise unreservedly to Her Royal Scumbagness – an’ her slack-jawed mutant kids – even if Prince Charles does look like Gonzo the Magnificent from the Muppet Show.”

Ah well, always a problem in politics and public life when you dare to start telling the truth – someone always takes offence.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Black Men Can’t Curtsey

Obama’s botched bow to Emperor Akiheehaw this weekend has put the culturally-refined Japanese themselves in the diplomatically delicate position of not knowing whether to laugh or cry – and are as painfully embarrassed over the shameful spectacle as if Dubya Bush had still been the Pres’ and given Akiheewaw one of his Texas turkey-brained Merkel-style backrubs.

Despite the fact that O’Barmy was widely criticized for his April Fool’s bowing to the lard-arsed despotic King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia ( the progeny of camel thieves and goat shaggers) like some kowtowing eunuch slave boy earlier this year he again went straight into his congenital brainwashed format of prostrating himself before what he - intuitively - deemed a genetic superior - yabbering “Yes Boss, no Boss, three bags full Boss” - displaying his fealty before the Japanese Emperor and his wife Itchy-Kiki as they looked on in astonishment, giggling and whispering to each other “WTF is this clown trying to prove?”

Top Japanese newspapers like the prestigious Foreign Devil Gazette have refused to print the image of O’Barmy crawling like some lickspittle servant out of sheer political decorum.

However video footage of the entire exchange is now spread right across the internet and SpewTube has several clips showing the Kenyan profusely bowing like Widow Twankey's pantomime lackey no less than seven times in the space of under thirty seconds.

Critics were quick to lambaste Barky further, sarcastically speculating he must have watched the 1980’s movie flop Shogun prior to the trip - to get the hang of Japanese protocols.

They further highlighted the sad fact he’s forever kissing Israeli Slime Minister Nuttyahho’s arse and bending over backwards – or forwards - to appease his Zionist masters – and is always ready to jump on the shovel whenever White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel shouts “Shit!”

For America’s first coffee-coloured president to present himself as a peon or hewer of wood when he meets foreign dignitaries is a probative indictment of what he truly represents.

Definitely not the boasted icon of African-American blacks symbolically divesting themselves of the chains of slavery at long last, but a clumsy stooge – a Muppet - to pacify the sheeple – the common herd - while in reality he plays ‘sit and beg’ for his masters – the blue blood congenital mutants that comprise the racist global elite.

Yet another classic example occurred when Barky and his Hottentot-arsed missus met Queen Lizzie and her arrant racist scumbag husband Phil the Greek in April.

Obama went into total grovel mode, chasing every stick that the latter-day inbred Nazi Prince Philip threw for him with relish and a beholden “Yessir Masta” at every opportunity – like some fawning, panting puppy fresh off its leash.

So, after eight years of misrule by the mental midget Dubya Bush dragging the States into a bottomless abyss that will take decades to crawl out of – if ever - we now have the Moorish face of the New World Order obsequious to any and all who have regal nobility flowing through their veins like a syphilitic spirochete - and this is the duly elected chief representative of the American people who fought a war in 1766 to shake off the shackles of subservience to the monarch of a foreign power – barking mad King George III of England.

Barky Obama – Mr. Teleprompter Man - acting like a fawning servile skivvy straight out of a Joel Harris tale – Uncle Remus reincarnated. Ah well, it might be his Kenyan genes shining through – there’s more mongrel than pedigree in the boy.

On a more cheerful note, as Barky is such a practiced kow-tower perhaps he can teach the UK’s PM Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown how to perform the ‘diplomatic bow’ after his calamitous faux pax before the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday when he laid his wreath and never even bothered to crook his fat brass neck one inch nor degree – reportedly due the fact that when he does bend over his glass eye falls out.

Obama’s Admin’ Create Jobs in Neverland

Now here’s a breaking news story to warm the cockles of your heart and make you proud to be American.
Oh yes, enough to inspire you to shout out loud from the rooftops and declare “See, I told you we were spot on switching to Democrat and voting for the Kenyan guy!”

And why is this so? For the Obama administration’s financial bailout package – all mega-zillions of dollars-worth of it – has – in the midst of this quagmire of a global recession - saved ‘and’ created thirty jobs in Arizona's 15th Congressional District – simply by laying out a measly $761,420.75c in federal stimulus spending.

Really - no BS. Well, at least that's according to the website O’Barmy’s boys and the dodgy Fed’ set up to track the $800 zillion bail-out package meant to stimulate the national economy like a poke up the ass with a cattle prod.

However, a spot of close scrutiny from the ubiquitous sceptics corner reveals that something might just stink – like a forged birth certificate - as Arizona’s 15th Congressional District seems to be conspicuous by its absence – inasmuch the crooked Copper State only has 8 districts.

“Oh shit!” and “Whoopsy-Daisy!” cry ‘surprised’ officials from the Las Vegas-based Recovery Board founded by Barky’s likely lads to monitor the mega-zillions of stimulus spending greenbacks.
“Hey, no problems – a minor case of human error – a slight slip of the pen,” RB accountant Billy Bob Scumarotti tells Pox News in Phoenix.

But there is problem- which lies in the fact that $761,420 – plus change – seems to be missing and wholly unaccounted for.

Rep. Sheldon Weaselberg, D-Tel Aviv, who sits on the powerful House Appropriations Committee, issued a press statement to the Embezzlers Gazette demanding that the Recovery Board gets its proverbial shit together and comes up with the actual whereabouts – or a credible disbursement statement – for the three-quarter million bucks that has gone adrift down the ass end of the Grand Canyon.

“What concerns me even more than the missing $760-odd thousand pumped into Arizona’s imaginary15th Congressional District are the massive injections of cash that were awarded to Congressional Districts 9 through 21 when they only have a total of 8.”
“Jesus H. Christ, if that’s the amount of fiddling we’ve uncovered in a dessicated dump like Arizona, what the hell’s gone on in the other 49 states?”

“We’ve even got Kansas claiming a financial bail-out and stimulus package for their 8th District and it’s been obsolete and defunct since the 1930 census – what do ya think of those apples, Toto?”

Monday, 16 November 2009

Cross-Dressing Blamed on PCB’s

One medical report just leaked to the Transgender Gazette by government whistleblowers indicates something really does stink in Denmark – and it’s definitely not Hamlet’s socks.

The Copenhagen government yesterday admitted that leaked official research proved pregnant mothers, new-born babies and developing infant children are at risk from an array of gender-bending chemicals present in such commonplace items as toilet paper, goldfish food, Polish chicken portions, depleted uranium, Kelloggs Testosterone Flakes, Iranian bratwurst, Mongolian sauerkraut, Chinese fly swatters, KY jelly, suppositories, and battery-caged Cassowary eggs.

The most prominent among the actual domestic chemical index are dioxins, PVC, flame retardants, phthalates (extensively used to soften skidmarks in jockey shorts prior to washing) and the now largely banned PCBs – over a zillion tons of which were used in countless products from industrial paints to baby formula.

The 32,678-page report, leaked by the Grassers and Snitch Division of the government’s environment protection agency, Klunts - is the latest piece in an escalating and alarming jigsaw.
Gender-bending chemicals are being increasingly blamed and duly responsible for the mystery of what are termed ‘the lost boys’ - babies who should normally be male but turned out to be born the split-arsed variety – or effeminate cross-dressing closet cases.

The Transgender Gazette claims toxic chemical contamination from household items and cosmetics is to blame for plunging sperm counts and feminising male children globally and specifically in the developed (sic) world.

Sperm counts are diminishing at such a geometric rate that teenage European males are now less fertile than hamsters – which seems to be the recently accepted medical benchmark for fertility comparisons.

In one Nazi / Auschwitz style ‘sexperiment’ the numpty Danish medical association set out to find out how much contamination from gender-bending domestic chemicals a two-year-old male child could tolerate before morphing into a girl.

It concluded that the test subject – initially named ‘Hansel’ was at critical risk from daily exposure to low levels of substances such as nappy rash ointment, sunscreen cream, Preparation H hemorrhoid gel, Albanian trout, Greedy Grocer ‘hormone-boosted’ chicken breasts, Sunny D’ aspartame-flavoured orange drink and even fluoride toothpaste.

Six weeks into the experiment ’Hansel’ emerged from the bathroom one morning crying ‘Mummy! Mummy! – my cock’s fell off!”

An exhaustive medical examination revealed that Hansel’s penis had indeed been ‘shed’, his gonads completely retracted into the groin and a female vulva was in an advanced state of development.
Further, an ultrasound scan revealed the presence of a forming uterus and ovaries. It was at this time the subject was renamed ‘Gretel’.

Thus the World Health Organisation has now accepted that young boys – globally - alike those in the Danish study, could end up producing less sperm and develop feminised behaviour through this hormonal inbalance now known as Faggotitus Syndrome.

Research carried out at the UK’s prestigious Smegmadale University discovered during a study that umbilical cords from British mothers contained traces of hazardous substances such as nicotine, cannabis, wine and blood.

Further, boys whose mothers were exposed to White Lightning cider and Meths Breezer alcohlolic drinks while pregnant were more likely to play with dolls and tea sets, dress up in female clothes – and join the Queen’s Royal Navy.

Welfare Handouts – Visit the UK n fill yer Boots

Now here’s a brain-teaser to contemplate while considering which scumbag political party to vote for in next year’s General Election.

Why is the common British working class peasant paying child benefit for kids that don’t live in the UK and have never even heard of – let alone seen – the White Cliffs of Dover?

Our incompetent Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mr Darling, claims he can’t put an accurate figure on the amount, but his best guesstimate would be around £20 zillion in child benefit payments and child tax credits was forked out by British taxpayers in 2008 to support over 50,000 children living in - Poland.

Yep, you got it right the first time – nothing wrong with eyes or ears – Poland - with a capital P.
Yet another bizarre and costly flaw that fits in quite nicely with all the other bizarre and costly flaws that have manifested under New Labour’s abysmal twelve year reign of power - and denying us the promised referendum of E-USSR membership..

Not only are we now deeper in the shit with the illegal war in Afghanistan and President Hamid Kami-Kaze’s kleptocracy of a government than ever – with no option but to stay and die – according to Gordon Brown – the Prime Minister nobody voted for – but the EU and Brussels have us gripped squarely by the short and curlies when mandating we have to pay child benefit to kids in Poland.

Now, does that make any sense? Of course not – but what part of the E-USSR’s policies and dictates does - and with the daft Paddies voting a very questionable ‘Yes’ in the recent Treaty of Lisbon (E-USSR Constitution renamed)) referendum things are about to get a whole lot worse.

Aha, one smart arse replies – but we can go to Poland to live and claim child benefit for our kids back in the UK.
Possibly true – but while Poles living in Britain can claim mega-bucks per month all we can get off the Warsaw welfare department (sic) is a few grotty zloty – not enough for a bundle of firewood, a coupla pickle herrings, a lump of Kielbasa and a loaf of stale Houska – never mind feed and clothe a bunch of whingeing rugrats.

Is it any wonder why the British National Party is looking a more favourable option for our patriotic votes in the 2010 General Election when we kick New Labour out of office at long last – and deny Big Dave and his smarmy Tories a chance at government for now refusing us our promised referendum on the E-USSR – let’s just GTF outa it and stuff Brussels.

When viewed in retrospect it seems like backward-frog Charlie de Gorf was the only real Anglophobe pal we had in Europe – our best enemy - denying us a place among the Belgium-based den of thieves.

Alas, those vanished halcyon times of sovereign bliss on this our sacred Sceptred Isle – when Harold Macmillian declared ‘You’ve never had it so good’ and everyone thought he was taking the piss. Come back Harold – all is forgiven.

Just imagine the implications for freedom of choice and national self-determination if the British people applied their numerical potential to cry out from the rooftops ‘No more!’ to the system and the corrupt ilk of Bliar, Brown, Scandalson, the Windsors etc et al, and ceased to cooperate with our own enslavement and demise.
Ouch! – did I make mention of Revolutionary thoughts there? No doubt the government’s cyber-spy detectors are zeroing in on me right now – for an act of domestic terrorism.

By the way, hands up anyone who knows the definition of a domestic terrorist – someone who thinks for themselves and might be inclined to disagree with anything the government says.