Risk Assessment for Wiping Own Bum

To comply with fresh slapstick Big Brother legislation being issued by the E-USSR’s bored bureaucrats in bonkers Brussels, family homes across Britain could be invaded by HSE inspectors checking that parents are keeping their children safe.

Whitehall’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money is recommending that inspectors make sure parents have fitted smoke alarms, stair gates, locks on medicine cupboards, windows and ovens, and temperature controls to stop bath water getting too hot – or cold - with emergency flotation rings fitted around the bath to be deployed automatically if a child is in danger of drowning. (The case for a qualified life guard to be present during bath times is still under debate).

The proposed scheme was condemned by critics yesterday as the most stupid idea the government has come up with since their last stupid idea the previous week – and a further dystopian nightmarish intrusion into family life.

The Department of Ill-Health has already comissioned the National Institute for Bureaucratic Idiocy to draw up guidelines to reduce ' unintentional injuries among under-15’s in the home' – such as sticking their hands into a blender just to see what will happen – or having a kiddies cocktail party using the household cleaning chemicals.

According to the NIBI - which is responsible for public health promotion as well as deciding which addictive drugs the NHS may supply to depressed child patients - millions of accidental injuries affect children in the home each year - and many – caused by such seemingly innocent games as climbing into the laundry dryer for a spot of ‘rough and tumble’ - or getting jammed in the cat flap while following Tiddles out for a ratting session - are preventable.

The NIBI has also called for a computer database to be set up to pick the homes of hopeless case families who will be targeted for safety inspections - with a dedicated 0800 Snitchers hotline for juvenile whistleblowers to grass up parents who don’t comply with the guidelines.

NIBI spokeswoman Candida Muffitch, a former Army welfare officer at Abu Ghraib Prison, told a reporter from the Nanny State Gazette “We’ve just completed a survey of the council’s Scumborough Sink or Swim housing estate and want to introduce a policy where parents – and too children themselves – carry out a risk assessment for the most common and simple household chores – such as brushing their teeth or wiping their botty after taking a crap.”

“You simply wouldn’t believe some of the obvious hazards that exist around Scumborough’s everyday households – broken bottles and barbed wire left lying around the living rooms – along with loaded hand guns. Fragmentation grenades with the spoon pin halfway out. Pit Bull terriers frothing at the gills with rabies and never taken to the vets – and still allowed to play with baby. Stolen transplant organs kept in the fridge alongside the family’s food – all very unhygienic – a veritable Salmonella Surprise.”

Have your say :

Do you thinks the E-USSR and Brussels have gone over the top? How much siphoned gasoline do you keep under the stairs? Do you ever ring the local leper colony for a baby sitter? Has the Nanny State forgotten what Common Sense is?

Fill in our online questionnaire below and you could find your front door getting kicked in by the local Gestapo for a pre-dawn safety inspection.

Allergy advisory: This article was based on the thoughts and schemes of local government bureaucrats and may well contain traces of total lunacy.