Friday, 20 November 2009

PA Prudes Ignore Carbon Footprint

Wanksie, Pennsylvania (Dingbat News) – Chlamydia Muffrot, a 94-year old grandmother, was tasered and handcuffed, then charged with ‘domestic terrorism’ by brain-dead Homeland Security goons for pegging out her laundry on a clothesline strung between trees outside her 18th Century trailer park home in Redneck Hamlets.

The Widow Muffrot is among the growing number of carbon footprint conscious peasants right across the North American Federation - from Playa del Carmen on Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula to Canada’s shithole Dawson City – with PA residents right in the middle - fighting for the right to dry their laundry outside against a rising tide of local council Gestapo officials who oppose the practice due archaic cultural prudishness - despite its energy-saving green appeal.

While there are no formal laws in Wanksie against drying laundry outside, town Alderman Jasper Scumarotti called Granny Muffrot a couple of weeks ago and ordered her to stop hanging out her washing in the sunshine – or else – following complaints from niggardly neighbours (his Aunt Ghengis) stating they did not want to see her Ann Summers ‘Baby Doll’ lingerie flapping around in the breeze.

Mrs Muffrot, a chronic Tourette’s Syndrome sufferer, informed the Douchebags Gazette “These effin’ priggish neighbours o’ mine reckon me hangin’ the laundry out makes the place look like trailer trash – havin’ ter look outa their winders an’ see my unmentionables.”

“Well, so f*ckin’ what – it is an effin’ trailer park – what der f*ck do they expect?”
“Fer Christ’s sake – they’ve bin hand washed already down in the creek – it’s not as though me kex are covered in skidmarks.”

Granny Muffrot politely told Councillor McTwatte to go and f*ck a pig, and continued pegging her freshly-laundered clothes outside on the washing line to dry – regardless of her prudish neighbours frowning on the practice.

However, according to one whistle-blowing snitch employed at the Wanksie Town Hall, Alderman Scumarotti got on the phone to his brother Earl, a former tomcat strangler, who signed up with the local Homeland Security branch after returning to PA following a two-year stint working for the Pentagon’s Slackwater / Xe Renta-Thug agency at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison - manning the ‘complaints desk’.

Following her exchange of ‘opinions’ with Alderman Scumarotti, Granny Muffrot went on to found Wanksie’s ‘Project Alfresco Laundry’ group that campaigns for people to save money and reduce carbon emissions by drying their laundry in the fresh expanse of Mother Nature’s realm and only using their electric or gas dryers during inclement weather.

Next thing Granny Muffitch knows her trailer door gets kicked in at dawn and the Homeland Security SWAT squad drag her out of bed and toss her onto the lawn, where she gets tasered by Big Earl and his boys – then is forced to watch as her laundry’s blasted to the constituency of a fishing net by several volleys of 12 gauge #4 shot.

The last anyone heard of the Widow Muffitch she was seen dressed in a hi-viz orange jumpsuit boarding an extreme rendition flight to FEMA’s all-new Camp Holocaust in Alaska – pending charges of ‘domestic terrorism’ for being a founder-member of the anti-American ‘Project Alfresco Laundry’ radical militants group group that has established connections to Big Al Qaeda, the Taliban Dan Gang, Toys_R_Us, Abu Sayaff, Wal-Mart, Hezbollah – and Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters.

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