Not Guilty - by Reason of Being Asleep

A husband who killed his wife by strangling her while he was purportedly asleep and dreaming about fighting off a gang of burglaring scally yobs who broke into his camper van to steal the latest version of the X-Box video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare Mk 2 - has been cleared of uxoricide – the nice legal term for murdering the bitch.

Wilf Fuctifino 95, admitted to the court he might well have killed his spouse Candida, 17, in their camper van by mistake for the burglar he dreamed he was strangling but blamed the entire affair on his rare sleep disorder – Psychopathic Nap Syndrome.

The trial was described to the media as being "more fucked up than a soup sandwich" by prosecuting barrister Sir Armitage Shanks QC, who specialises in cases of somnambulist homicide.

Jurors were told by Judge Ghengis Chuckabutty at the start of the trial that they could reach only two verdicts for the murder charge : not guilty by reason of insanity or not guilty by reason of being asleep.

Mr Fuctifino, a retired doormat comber, told the court in his own defence “It were her own effin’ fault fer cookin’ cottage pie with a cheese and mash crust on it that evenin’ – she knew that always makes me dream like merry hell.”

The court was presented with evidence that tests commissioned by both the prosecution and the defence were carried out on Mr Fuctifino as he took an Irish power nap for three hours – following a supper consisting of two large bowls of cottage pie topped off with Danish Blue and Stilton cheeses ( the old socks variety) – to substantiate his claims of a sleep disorder.

During the night infra-red CCTV cameras and microphones recorded the accused shouting “Get the fuck off me bike yer scally twat”, then jumping out of bed and strangling the bathroom shower curtain before peacefully dozing off again.

The following evening Mr Fuctifino – after being asleep for two hours - with recorded Delta wave patterns – jumped out of bed shouting “No effin’ vampire’s sucking my blood!” and proceeded to strangle the shower curtain (Exhibit C) once more.

Dr. Miguel Siesta, a Mexican psychologist specialising in somnambulism from the prestigious Royal Institute for Nodding Off, agreed Mr Fuctifino’s behaviour was consistent with automatism, which meant at the time he killed his wife his mind had no conscious control of what the hell he was doing – and his unconscious – or sub-conscious mind - thought he was fighting with an intruder when in fact his hands were round her neck, throttling the very life out of her.

The prosecution advised the jury that at 06:00 the next morning Mr Fuctifino called 999, a recording of which was later played to the court, wherein the accused stated “Me effin’ missus is laid out all stiff and dead like ‘ere in the camper van. I reckon it musta bin them burglar blokes I ‘ad a fight wiv last night wot’s done ‘er in.”

During the trial a psychiatrist for the prosecution, Dr Fellattia Gammer, informed the court she did not think Mr. Fuctifino posed a risk and should walk free – but with the proviso any future female bed partners receive a precursory warning of the dangers of strangulation – or worse - when sleeping next to him.

Wham, bam, slam – case dismissed.

Now doesn’t that set a unique precedent for disposing of unwanted partners and avoiding costly divorce settlements – “Really your Honour, I dreamed I was being abducted by a Grey alien and strangled the twat.”

And who said that Monopoly ‘Get out of Jail Free’ cards were bullshit.