Sunday, 1 November 2009

Phillies Fan Flogs Golly for Tickets

An American woman charged with offering sex in exchange for World Series baseball tickets maintains she has committed no crime nor done anything wrong by flogging her golly on the internet.

"I'm not embarrassed about my actions but I'm effin’ furious about how I was set up and then arrested," Fellattia Wankerstein, from the Slutborough Heights area of Philadelphia, told Fux News.
“I mean, even career hookers are allowed to ply their trade and wares on the public streets but when I try to get tickets for the Phillies-Yankees game I get targeted by the local Gestapo’s dodgy deviant Vice Squad.”

The 93-year-old ex-pole dancer spoke to reporters from the gutter press concerning her meeting with an undercover policeman responding to the ‘tickets’ advert’ on Craigslist.

In her ad’ Fellattia, a diehard Philadelphia Phillies fan, stated: "Two tickets required for Phillies-Yankees game. Got no cash but I'm the creative type - maybe we can help each other out – perverts, sicko’s and deviants welcome.”

Fellattia, a 93-year old grandmother, further described herself as a ‘gorgeous, tall, buxom blonde fanatical Phillies fan who could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and crack walnuts with her vaginal muscles’.

Mrs Wankerstein claims she had wanted to get tickets to take her husband Sheldon to last Wednesday night's opening game of the World Series - in which the Phillies beat the New York Yankees 6-1 – as a special treat for his 99th birthday.

Fellattia received a reply to her Craiglist ad’ from a man claiming to have two tickets and arranged to meet up for the ‘sexchange’ at a bar in Penisauken.
However, after a round of drinks she was coaxed into the back of the vendee’s Ryder van in the adjoining car park where she was subjected to what her lawyer termed “A right good bonking” before being told she was under arrest.

Fellatia’s attorney Jack Fleecem informed Pox News that his client never explicitly offered sex and had been set up by a pervy Vice Squad officer to satisfy his personal deviant urges.
Fleecem added that Mrs. Wankerstein was merely "a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever and wanted to give her hubby a birthday treat".

But all’s well that ends well as the Phillies manager heard of her set up arrest and invited Fellattia round to their Citizens Bank Park clubhouse for a three-hole dogging session with the entire team in the communal Jacuzzi – following which she was presented with a pair of well-earned Diamond Club premium seating season tickets for the 2010 games.

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