Thursday, 19 November 2009

Apple’s iTit Set to Break Sales Records

Addressing a press conference at his corporate headquarters in California’s Sillicunt Valley, Steve Blobbs, the company founder of Crapple, announced today that they has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

This is further being considered a major social breakthrough due the fact whingeing women are forever complaining about men staring at their boobs and yet never listening to them.

Now the all-new and innovative Crapple iTit ‘Touch’ will allow men to do both at the same time – and at a mere cost of $599:99 to $749:99 - per implant - dependent on cup and speaker size.

Cosmetic surgeons, working in tandem with acoustic engineers from the music industry, recommend that both knockers (left and right) are treated simultaneously to provide the desired true Dolby stereo ‘surround sound’ as your partner can then play ‘telephones’ – and have one tit in his (or her) mouth and one in their ear.

The memory / function chip is based on an expanded version of the iPod’s and the iPhone’s, with music channel, volume, bass, treble etc adjusted through each nipple – incorporating push, pull and twist control features – with ‘woofers’ being an optional extra.

Charging and music uploads are done just the same as an iPod / MP3, but in this case the two-pole jack connector plugs into the left nipple’s lactation ostiole (right-hand nipple for Europe and Middle East).

The product will be advertised across the entire media spectrum by mega-boobed Pamela Anderson who had her personal 36 DD super-silicon iTit implants fitted last week and proudly informed the media – “Get a load of these bionic babies – wired for sound.”- and with a twist of her left nipple belted out a track from the chart-busting Aardvarks latest album - “Mutants on Welfare.”

Pamela will be appearing in a series of TV sales and marketing promo’ videos for the iTit, similar in context to Crapple’s ‘1984’ ad’ starring the hammer-lobbing Amazonian blonde bombshell Anya Major - which was directed by the Oscar-winning Wriggly Snott - to launch their first Slackintosh PC that gave Big Blue the ‘Big Finger’.

Corporate sales VP Billy Bob Buggeroff, exuding enthusiastic optimism, informed Fux News “We’ve shipped out 10,000 matched pairs of iTit ‘Touch’ implants to cosmetic surgeons around the country this past week alone.”
“You wanna see the orders that are flowing in from the Arab Gulf states and Japan. God bless credit card consumerism.”

However the rumour mill is rife with Chinese whispers and shit hot gossip that Microslop boss Bill Goats has apparently spit the dummy, thrown all his toys out of the pram and fired the company’s entire research team for letting Crapple f*ck them over big time on the development and patenting of this biometric first.

Ah well, shit happens Bill. Besta luck with Windows 7 and Vista.

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