Monday, 30 November 2009

Tescosaurus Rex now Embroiled in Climategate Scam

A self-proclaimed global warming expert agreed to endorse the UK’s Greediest Grocer’s position on reducing plastic bag use after his institute received a £25 zillion donation from the ubiquitous dominating supermarket chain, according to evidence gleaned by Feral Beryl McScatt from hacked e-mails and posted on her Snoop n Snitch for Truth website.

Professor Moaning Gitt told a global warming press conference the tyrannical retailer’s policy of rewarding customers who reuse their shitty old bags with piss ant Club Card loyalty points (one tenth of a penny per bag reused) was ‘more effective’ than charging them five pence – and in his esteemed and qualified opinion Tescosaurus Rex was the only place to shop in the UK – and anyone who bought their groceries elsewhere was a carbon footprint delinquent who didn’t appreciate the efforts put out by their local Zionist costermonger.

Professor Gitt’s dodgy endorsement and comments idolising the hegemonic Greedy Grocer also appeared in a Global Warming Gazette report, which was distributed free of charge amid much fanfare at the Man’ United versus Scumborough Wanderers soccer match last weekend – as glossy toilet paper with pictures.

The professor, one of Britain’s leading specialists on endorsing anything that will add to his burgeoning retirement fund stashed away in a tax-dodging Swiss bank account, is head of the Institute for Bureaucratic Graft & Corruption at Smegmadale University - now further endowed with a £25 zillion donation from the Tescosaurus Rex supermarket chain last October.

Professor Gitt, while denying any conflict of interest, is also chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Propaganda – which shared the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize with former U.S. Vice President Albert Bore – did admit his area of expertise actually lay in juggling statistics to suit commercial parties of self-interest and he knew next to sweet FA concerning solar influence and effect on the Earth’s climate – even doubting the science behind such a proposal due “the sun being too far away.”

These scandalous revelations come in the wake of the Daily Shitraker’s ‘Phuck the Bags Off’ campaign launched earlier this year which helped reduce the number of throwaway plastic carrier bags doled out to supermarket shoppers from 418,865,259 to a mere 418,272,620.

By contrast, when several Grotty Grocer outlets in Ireland – principally Scabby Spuds and Pikey Pete’s - introduced charges in 2008, the number of throwaway bags given out / sold by their Dublin stores was slashed by 90% overnight as people simply buggered off elsewhere to run up debt on their credit cards.

Similarly, a move by Mamon & Snobfords supermarket to introduce a £5 charge per poxy little plastic carrier bag last year caused a drop in revenue of more than 70% with immediate effect and a 300% increase in shoplifting.

Whereas Pukesbury’s, famous for their ever-popular chew n spew discount specials, simply allowed customers to use as many plastic carrier bags as they liked then forwarded their personal details to the E-USSR’s main ‘Global Warming Criminals' data base in Brussels for file, pending later action and prosecution of carbon delinquents once the ice caps have melted and the polar bears all drowned.

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