Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Kiddie-Scribble Photo-Fit Pic Cops Killers - Maybe

A photo-fit identity drawing scribbled down on the back of a whorehouse bar menu by Candida Putata, the sole witness to the murder of Jiggy Moronito, a taxi driver in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, has helped homicide detectives to apprehend six suspects – ‘all’ of whose facial features match the woman’s artless sketch.

The image, used by Bolivian police to hunt down the killers, has now been awarded a place in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's worst photo-fit of all time – and created a novel category for future wannabee record challengers.

The suspect’s head had been sketched to the shape of one of Monsanto’s GM mutant melons - with a kiss-me-quick mouth blessed – or cursed – by huge Cupid kaffir lips, a dog’s dick of a nose, eagle-owl bushy eyebrows, slitty eyes like pissholes in the snow – and a hair style that resembles the overhanging thatched roof of a country cottage following a hurricane.

Police officers initially laughed at the amateurish sketch and compared it a child's cartoon rendition of a scarecrow, with one cop remarking “Hey it is perhaps El Espantapajaros from the Wizard of Oz!” - the scarecrow who was searching for a brain – but not in that particular police station.

This comment steered intuitive detectives back to Santa Cruz’ redlight district and the aptly-named Espantapajaros Club - the known hang-out of the feared Espantapajaros Gang whose illicit rhubarb-smuggling operations were beyond the law enforcement reach of the regular gendarmerie.

It then clicked that the photo-fit artist, Senorita Putata, worked as the Mama-san at an adjacent nightclub – the Casa del Sluts – and had seen the murder take place in the alleyway servicing the rear of the buildings.

Information gleaned from a variety of lowlife snitches and grassers revealed that the murdered taxi driver, Moronito, also moonlighted for the Espantapajaros Gang delivering high grade narcotic rhubarb to provincial dealers and had recently fallen out with gang boss Chico Espantapajaros over accusations of bonking his wayward nympho wife, Harlotta.

Senorita Putata claimed several men had been involved in the murder of Moronito, with the ‘Scarecrow’ doing the actual killing and being the one who eventually set fire to the gasoline-doused corpse after it had been beaten, poisoned, garotted, drowned, stabbed, shot and run over with a 4 x 4.

Police raided the Espantapajaros Club and six suspects who matched the photo-fit sketch were arrested then paraded in handcuffs before television news cameras.

"We’re innocent and didn't do jack shit," the half dozen suspects jointly declared to the arresting police officers and amused newsmen – “We’re effin’ waiters - we only serve drinks.”
“The scarecrow look is part of our uniform – it’s the name of the club – Espantapajaros - you dumb redneck phucks – all the waiters and barmen wear the same style wigs.”

The case is expected to be heard before Bolivia’s Court of the Last Instance early in 2010, after it has been fully tried and judged by the media and public opinion.

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