Wednesday, 30 December 2009

A Farrago of the Vanities

An Israeli magician has begun his attempt to break the world ‘Isolationist’ record for being segregated from contact with the rest of the world by staying inside a monster ice cube.

If successful, Sheldon Weaselberg, the former tomcat strangler who once enthralled a Jerusalem theatre audience by disappearing up his own arsehole, plans to emerge from the eight-tonne ice cube at midnight on New Year's Eve – frostbitten to all buggery and back - but hopefully with a Guinness World Record to his name.

Thousands of shit-for-brains numpty kikes have gathered in Tel Aviv’s Jolly Genocide Square to watch Weaselberg attempt to beat the current record of 58 hours by at least ten minutes – an unparalleled first - set by David Blaine in 2000 when he was frozen in a giant icepop mould with a big lolly stick shoved up his bum.

However Guinness Records spokesman Mick McSpud informed a reporter from the Jerusalem-based Holohoax Gazette “One thing Weaselberg’s PR guys are forgetting is that the actual Isolationist record is still held by the Palestinians since the Israelis built their siege-quality racist barrier Wall of Segregation around Gaza.
The Conservatives, led by Posh Dave Cameron, have attacked Gordon Broon’s Stalinist government over the number of top-of-the-range mobile phones circulating around the UK’s PFI-run prisons.
Ministry of Justice figures show almost 9,000 mobile phones and SIM cards are reportedly in use around the British prison system – according to statistics provided by mail order suppliers Carphone Warehouse.

Cameron and Co. claim the very existence of these cell phones, and the ease that prisoners seem to obtain them, could pose a national security threat if terrorist convicts got hold of them and were able to contact their leader Big Al Qaeda at his new headquarters base in North Yemen.

Justice Secretary Jack Straw accused the Tories of ‘yet another playing fields of Eton’ propaganda trick and said prisons were doing all they could to vet Prison Officers from the Renta-Thug and Sadists-R-Us security agencies for past criminal convictions – which was a problem when most were Albanian and Polish pikey immigrants.

Further, Straw stressed the point that under new Labour legislation, prisoners caught in possession of a mobile phone – while in jail - could face actual criminal charges – and a possible prison sentence.
The man who landed what was dubbed "the best job in the world" as the caretaker on a tropical island off the old British penal colony of Australia has been stung by a lethal jellyfish.

The Smegmadale-on-Sea born Wilf Fuctifino, who beat 34,000,000 applicants to win the sought-after job, was stung by a peanut-sized Irukandji jellyfish while working the final week of his notice.

Wilf, who initially took to the job like a Catholic choirboy takes to buggery, told a reporter from the Lonely Gits Gazette “Wot a cunt of a place this really after a few months – out on an island in the middle of the Barrier Reef and all by yer effin’ self.”

Mr. Fuctifino’s online daily weblog – established to encourage tourism out to the islands – stated this morning "I've been boxed by a kangaroo, nibbled by a shark and bitten on the arse by a redback lurkin’ under me bog seat. Plus I got stalked by funnel-web spiders, chased by a fuckin’ big croc’, and bitten on me cock by a snake while I was takin’ a slash.”

“Now, in me final few days on Hamilton Island I get stung by a jellyfish while havin’ a bit of a paddle. If it’s not bad enough havin’ to drink warm XXXX beer an’ shag cassowaries or a dodgy dingo every time yer get horny, yer riskin’ life an’ limb every time yer go into the sea.”

While reports are still shaky on actually how lethal Fuctifno’s jellyfish sting might have proven, the Australian Tourist Board website has just posted a vacancy for a replacement caretaker on Hamilton Island.
An ‘up close and personal’ survey of more than 1,000,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for the sub-continent’s male population’s weiners.

The study discovered 95% of the men measured were tackled out with penises that were shorter – and thinner - than the required phallic dimensions to elicit the “Oooooh! - Ahhhhh!” factor responses from any self-respecting nymphomaniac.

The two-year survey was carried out by the Indian Council for Cock Studies with 1,200,000 volunteers from up and down the length and breadth of the country having the length and breadth of their members measured precisely - to the last millimetre.

Dr Chipmunk Chuckabutty, head of the Penile Measurement Department at the ICCS, told a reporter from the Well Hung Gazette that the conclusion of this pseudo-scientific endeavour proves that 95% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture – and indicative of the reason that most Indian males sit down to pee.

The issue is serious as nine out of every ten condoms falls off during use and in a country that already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation and a burgeoning population sexplosion, this does present a problem.

Thus enterprising entrepreneurs have now begun producing several sizes of condoms ranging from Large to Medium to Small to Very Small.
The only foreseeable problem will be overcoming the inherent male macho factor of when a man is faced with entering a pharmacy staffed by females of the species and asking for a pack of ‘Very Small’ sized condoms.

To misquote Alexander Pope: “For inches and centimetres, let fools contend."
The Fuk Yoo Tu shopping centre in China has opened a car park that offers women drivers a choice of bigger-than-normal parking spaces to accommodate what it sees as their special needs.

Mr Flip Flop Fong, manager of the shopping centre in Wanking, told a journalist from the Presbyopia Gazette that the ‘split-arsed drivers only’ parking lot aimed to address women's "strong sense of colour and different sense of distance."

The spaces are "one metre wider than normal parking spaces," Fong explained, adding that the mall had "installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women's needs: designed by women – for women."

Driving in China is notoriously dangerous, with nearly 730,500 people killed in road accidents last year, or just over 2000 fatalities per day – (90% of which are caused by women drivers) -which government bureaucrats claim does ultimately help with over-population problems and the carbon cap n trade exchange index.

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