Royal Inbreeds Celebrate Christmas

Queen Elizabeth Mk II (call me Brenda) and other members of her heteroclite mutant family are spending Christmas Day well away from Britain’s whingeing peasant classes at their elitist Sandringham estate in Norfolk.

The Queen's annual condescending Christmas message will be broadcast on both radio and television at 1500 hours, just after everyone’s got back from their Xmas Day lunchtime booze up at the local pub, scoffed the turkey dinner and then crashed out fast asleep in front of the telly.

Regardless of her message falling on deaf ears, Brenda is expected to pay tribute to the work of the armed forces and their efforts to keep Afghanistan ‘British’ and the Crown poppy crops safe.

She will further draw attention to the fact that this year more than 100 British servicemen were killed in Afghanistan while trying to bring Democracy to a very ungrateful infidel population – and stress the fact that youngsters in the UK need to get off their lazy unemployed arses and sign up to join the Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment to reinforce the Royal Opium Farm Guards.

Rumours are circulating that Brenda will urge opposing political parties around the Commonwealth to come together and discuss solutions for foisting the Copenhagen carbon cap n trade exchange scam on a sceptical public - to convince them that global warming really is a problem and the current sub-zero Arctic temperatures and heavy snowfall are all part of a Marxist Chinese HAARP-engineered plot to undermine St Albert of Gore’s gospel.

The annual speech usually has a strong religious framework that never fails to mention the Windsor’s Divine Right to rule, and further reflects on current issues - often drawing on the 96-year old Queen's worrying concerns that the British proletariat might well one day wake up to their numerical advantage and get it into their stupid heads to have a French – or Russian – style revolution.

In past years Her Majesty has usually reserved the closing minutes of her sanctimonious homily for making excuses over the pathetic and often offensive behaviour of other members of the royal family – usually beginning with her geriatric immigrant husband Phillip – the Royal Virus - for the numerous faux pax regarding his views on eugenics, useless eaters, global genocide and having his daughter-in-law snuffed by the security services for shagging the son of a millionaire Muslim costermonger.

The Prince of Wales always gets a mention for being such an abysmal clot and talking to plants – then marrying a chain-smoking troll like Gorgonella - and last but by no means least - Prince Harry – the Royal Cuckoo – for wearing Nazi uniforms in public and getting into the Guinness Book of World Records due his numerous appearances at Bow Street Magistrate’s Court on drunk and disorderly charges.

The Royal inbreeds are rarely all together under one roof and Christmas is the singular occasion during the year when they gather and try to put up with each other’s annoying habits for a couple of nights and break bread as a family.

The Royal Pigfest will be served in the traditional ‘banqueting trough’ – with this year’s centrepiece being roast black swans garnished with aspic and aardvark vomit – a gastronomical gourmet delight laid on by Lucullus Catering of Monaco.

As in past years they will attend morning service together at their private Church of Mamon’s Altar on the Sandringham estate where they worship their heathen gods of Babylon and pray to Satan for a yet another prosperous New Year – with the Very Reverend Seymour Rothshite officiating.

This is followed by the local Allegiance Ceremony in which a bevvy of servile Sandringham peasants line up outside the church to ritually doff caps, touch forelocks and lick the dogshit from Brenda’s boots as she walks over their prostrate emaciated bodies.

Princes William and Harry - who are both on vacation from their professional commitments - as the trainee Anti-Christ and – respectively - a trainee alcoholic - are expected to be in attendance if the ginger minger doesn’t have to be bailed out of some local police station lock up for another breach of the peace.

Anne, the equine-featured Princess Royal, will be present to perform her official duty of frightening the bats and other vermin out of the Sandringham attics now her deceased mother Margaret – the Royal Bike – is no longer available to do the job.
Her daughter, Zara Phillips, (aka the Royal Dwarf) was snapped by the pestilent paparazzi arriving at the Xmas bash wearing twelve inch stiletto heels and sporting more teeth than a piranha.

She was accompanied by cousins Princess’s Beatrice and Eugenie – the slack-jawed daughters of the Fat Fergie Beast and Prince Andrew. Both appeared in the gutter press gossip columns recently when the Daily Shitraker mentioned that neither would ever qualify as a suitable role model for virginity.

Eugenie signed on a her local Jobcentre last week and hopes to find employment early in the New Year suited to her academic diplomas in ‘Hedonistic Squandering’, ‘Ostentatious Waste’ and ‘Indolence’.

Prince Andrew himself has now set a tradition of showing up late for the holiday, normally accompanied by a couple of cheap Albanian pikey whores, while younger brother Prince Edward does his bad penny trick and invariably tries to convince Mum to invest in his latest money-losing scheme involving Mark Twatcher and some basket case African shithole.

The Queen's Speech will be broadcast on BBC One at 1500 GMT on Christmas Day, and shown again at 2350 GMT on the ‘Dave’ and ‘Bid’ channels – a good time to watch the Scrapheap Challenge Xmas Special on Channel 194 in which the opposing teams build their own International Space Station and have a race to Mars and back.