Monday, 21 December 2009

Numpty Dumpty News Roundup

UK consumers defied the harsh winter weather of chill-factor winds and heavy snowfall to spend the last weekend before the Christmas holidays on a final ‘let’s-get-further-in-debt’ shopping spree bonanza.

The Shopaholic Consortium, which represents more than 600 Pound Stretcher outlets, pirate DVD merchants and pikey car boot traders in the Greater London area, claims sales were up 10% on last year's shitty Xmas week trading.

Homeless punters braved the weather and set out in legions, buying shovels to clear their snow-bound shop front squats, rock salt for gritting their personal bit of pavement and genuine wooden logs (the imported real tree type) to fuel their Poundland pot-bellied stoves and keep pot-bellied visiting relatives warm on Xmas Day.

Now the Global Warming scaremongering scam has been exposed as more scent than substance, with government whistleblowers trumpeting the fact we’re on the precipice of another Ice Age - many shoppers went the whole hog – laying in stocks of de-icer underarm spray and investing in discount teams of reindeer and the ever-popular Scandanavian three-door hatchback sleighs.

Credit card giant Mamon Money claims to have processed a new record of more than 17 million transactions in the UK this Sunday after ATM machines froze up during the previous night’s sub-zero Arctic temperatures and cashless shoppers were forced to resort to the plastic fantastic for every transaction – in department stores and street markets alike - including the 20 pence ‘pee fee’ for using a public bog and £3 for a haunch of roast swan in between two slices of Silesian Chleb Razowy.

For the first time since the relief of Mafeking the British Army is to be kitted out with a fresh design of uniform – cunningly camouflaged to blend in with the harsh Afghan landscape.

The new Chameleon Multi-Terrain Pattern (MTP) will replace the traditional four colour urban park playground uniform known by it’s Mumbai Pound Stretcher store supply code as No 69 – Sniper-Friendly Hi-Viz (SFHV) which many critics blame for the recent spate of deaths due the Big Bird fluorescent yellow contrasting with the Barbie Doll shocking pink, Trumpton Fire Engine red and the ubiquitous lime green McE-Coli’s Chew n Spew aprons.

Forces in Afghanistan will be supplied with the first batches of the new uniforms in March next year – if boring Old Labour wins the General Election - with the whole army finally upgraded to camo’ undies by 2025.

Chameleon MTP is designed for a wide range of environments and specifically to blend in perfectly with the poppy fields the troops are primarily there to guard from getting torched by Taliban fire bomb attacks.

British troops in Afghanistan currently use a mix of desert camouflage and temperate DPM, depending on which area of the basket case country they're getting shot in.

There are four main types of terrain in the Afghan theatre of operations. The poppy-coloured ‘Poppy growing zone’, the sandy-coloured ‘Sandy Desert’ zone, the grey, rock-coloured ‘Rocky’ cave-dwelling zone and the shit-brown Mud Hut zones consisting of – er – shitty brown mud huts – and makeshift cemeteries.

One soldier – who spoke to the Warmongers Gazette on conditions of anonymity (Cpl Baz Snitcher) - criticised the amateur mix-and-match attempt at all-terrain camouflage, claiming it was far from ideal and made squaddies stand out, especially in the ‘Blood Red’ zones.

“Wot we need is the same fuckin’ camo’ gear the Taliban use cos yer can never see the cunts but they seem to be able ter spot our lads no effin’ problem.”

Dutch police informed Fux News that teenage sailor Fellattia van der Gamm - who seeks to be the youngest person to sail solo around the world - has been missing since she was last seen – a vague point that is currently cloaked in conjecture.

The 14-year old Fellattia was placed under Nanny State care after a Dutch court blocked her bid to set off on her solo voyage in September, with the Utrecht District Court claiming concerns that she might get lost - or hijacked by kiddie-fiddling Somali paedo’ pirates - were too grave to compromise or dismiss.

The court placed her under state supervision until July 2010, but allowed Miss van der Gamm to continue living on her boat as long as she promised not to sail around the globe – or empty her bank account and skip off to the Dutch Antilles - while nobody was looking.

Court officers told a reporter from the Seadogs Gazette that her 26 foot yacht ‘Gobbler’ was no longer moored at its berth and was last seen heading down the English Channel with a full span of sail.

Dutch police say they have issued an alert to lighthouses around the Earth’s oceans and seas for information to help trace and apprehend the absconded teenager who has still not handed in her school’s Christmas term homework assignment and was due to play the part of the Virgin Mary’s sister - Gladys of Galilee - in this week’s Nativity presentation.

More than 11 million people - with sweet FA better to do on a Saturday night - tuned in to watch the Strictly Come Dancing final, according to a BBC rating statistics press release.

Scrapheap Challenge celebrity mig welder Vinny Scrunt was the surprise winner of the BBC One competition, beating wheelie bin mechanic Ricky Twatte in a public vote after performing four ‘erotic’ dances with his professional Flamenco partner Rita Slagg.

The show attracted a peak audience of 11.7 million viewers, compared to last year's show which hit 13.3 million when Dirty Richard Desmond’s ‘Asian Sluts’ pay-per-wank porn site transmitter was struck by a divine lightning bolt and all the deviants had to quickly swap channels to glimpse a bit of sexy leg before the erectile effect of their Viagra pills wore off.

Scrunt and Ms. Slagg plan on putting their Glitterball trophy up for auction on the Cash in the Attic penny-pinching sell-any-old-shit programme to raise a few bob to pay for a dirty weekend away together in Blackpool.

Bird flu panned out as more scent than substance a couple of years back, and now the H1N1 swine flu pandemic seems to be going the same way with a marked reduction in daily scaremongering propaganda from the WHO and the NHS since no fucker or their dog – medical professionals included - are queuing up to have the adjuvant-loaded toxic vaccine pumped into a perfectly healthy body.

However, to recoup their losses on the batches of unsold vaccine the giant Pharma’ conglomerates have now coerced the World Health organisation into declaring an outbreak of the latest Biblical plague due to devastate the world’s useless eaters this winter - (no, not the politicians, bankers and inbred mutant royalty – the peasants / Us!) – Mole Flu – a killer virus that has a 90% mortality rate, which devastates the immune system and leaves survivors with tunnel vision.

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