Sharia Law: An Eye for an - Ear - or a Nose?

Whatever happened to President Umaru Yar’Adua’s Nigeria - West Africa’s bright shining beacon of Democracy and Civilisation? (Hey, no shit - that’s what it says in the tourist brochure).

Yar’Adua skipped off to Saudi Arabia for a bit of Halal heart surgery and the whole place went to shit in a bucket once the mad Mullahs took charge and kicked off running around condemning every fucker and their dog to barbarous Sharia law punishments that would put the Spanish Inquisition, the noxious Nazis and even Israel’s Knesset to shame.

Fellattia Mingerot, an unmarried – and too unemployed -16-year old mother of three, was this week sentenced to death by stoning for flogging her golly around Lagos to raise a few bob to pay the rent and feed her brood - due the total absence of a welfare state.

Her public stoning extravaganza will involve being buried up to the neck in sand and having a variety of rocks (granite shards, heavy gravel, duckstones and cobbles) thrown at her head until she expires her mortal coil and goes aloft to join Allah’s Choir Invisible.

However, the Islamic court has ruled that the penalty cannot be carried out until Miss Mingerot has finished breastfeeding her baby daughter, Wollygog, which will not be before February 2010 – so at least she’s got the odd Christmas party to look forward to and enjoy a few drinks and a bifta beforehand.

Meanwhile, the sentence has provoked civil unrest, with riots breaking out between Christian and Muslim communities over how far the reach of the moronic Mullah’s imposition of their draconic and idiotic Sharia law might spread.

Last year, a teenage single mother in the capital Abuja was given 100 lashes for adultery, even though she was unmarried and happened to have been raped by three men. Now, beat that for cockamamie Islamic logic.

Sharia law’s application of the absurd does equally well in Pakistani where a religious court has sentenced Najib al Gitt to have his ears and nose cut off, as punishment for paying a neighbour to put out the eyes of a woman who refused to marry him. As the rejected groom, Gitt, is himself blind already it was decided a fitting exchange would be his other cranial appendages.

Government prosecutor Mullah Mohammed al Mohammad informed one reporter from the Sadist’s Gazette that punishment had been awarded in accordance with Islam’s ‘Hadd Offences’ principle of "an eye for an eye – or an ear".
Apparently the neighbour got off lightly and only copped for ten hours community service - licking the mosque floor clean.

Here in the UK we have good Christian folk whingeing and complaining about Britain’s courts and judges being lax when it comes to meting out punishments to fit the crime – with a community service order sentence for multiple homicides or blagging a security van being quite the norm.

Whereas perhaps they’d like to sample a taste of Sharia Law in Saudi Arabia - the basket case foundation stone of Islam – where the sentence for nicking anything – even doing a spot of Christmas or Hari Raya shoplifting - is getting your right hand chopped off.
Keeping up with Amnesty International’s ‘Severity Index, adultery in the hypocritical kingdom carries a penalty of stoning - or beheading – so it’s nice to have a choice of sentence.

Yesterday the Archbishop of York – the Ugandan-born Dr Semengugu -condemned new legislation recently passed by crusading homophobe MPs in Uganda’s corrupt Parliament to impose capital punishment on gay people who have sex with a miner.
As of going to press the law is still unclear if this includes gold, coal and copper miners. Further no mention is made of sex between two consenting miners.

So, what are the worst punishments to be handed out in this ‘enlightened’ day and age?
Well, Islamic Sharia law again comes first place when you can get your cock chopped off for rape – or goat bonking - in most Islamic nations.

In China the standard penalty for anything – even late payment of council tax or using the wrong wheelie bin – is the forced donation of one – or more - vital organs – with kidneys being the all-round favourite in the run up to Christmas.

While manky Malaysia (yup, yet another Islamic society) imposes the death penalty for possession of the Big H (Heroin – not Halibut), neighbouring Singapore dispenses 20 strokes of the rotan for possession of chewing gum but only a S$100 fine for tossing killer litter (read three-piece suite or old ref or gas oven) over the top floor balconies of the island’s government-owned HUD Renta-Slum apartments – which have a bad habit of landing on top of hapless passers-by.

Catholics have traditionally been excommunication (a fate worse than death?) for virtually anything that pissed the Vatican off - from heresy to refusing to cough up a few bob extra for the offertory plate.

Jewish law can be even harsher than its Sharia cousin – with 39 non-kosher actions prohibited on the Sabbath – including extinguishing the flames of a fire if your house is ablaze – with the breach of any of the 39 being a ‘capital offence’.
Ah well, could be worse – Jesus got himself crucified for calling the Sanhedrin and Pilate a bunch of ‘tossers’.

On the Pacific’s Mumbo Jumbo Islands it is a capital offence to steal a bicycle, with voyeurism and sniffing the toilet seats in the ‘Ladies’ section of a public lavatory an exiling offence.
Further, anyone failing to pay their breadfruit tax on schedule gets buggered by the tribal council.

In total contrast jay walking in Las Vegas carries a £100 fine and 15 days in the local Sodomite’s Paradise – the County Jail.

Meanwhile, closer to home, on the North Atlantic’s sacred islet of Rockall, where man-sex with sheep is not only permitted but actively encouraged by members of the all-female Margrave’s Council and Court Leet, harsh penalties dating back to Viking times exist for copulating with sea birds – with gull buggery punishable by 50 lashes of the cat (or dog) and a week in the pillory - and oral sex with a cormorant (RSPB-protected species) carries a sentence of five years hard labour in the island’s guano pit.