Saturday, 5 December 2009

Sippin’ Whiskey – Okay - but Sippin’ Beer?

A controversial Scottish brewery has launched what it described as the world's strongest beer - with a 32% alcohol content.

Tactical Nuclear Penguin – with a radioactive half-life of several centuries - has been unveiled by SpewDog of Twatborough.

SpewDog was previously branded irresponsible by the AA and the Pissheads Gazette for an 18.2% beer labelled Tokyo Doze, which it then followed with a 0% low alcohol beer called Nanny State as a polite way of giving government regulators the big finger – and which incidentally became a great hit in Muslim countries and with Methodists - plus the teetotal Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Morons.

Spewdog’s managing director Ghengis McScrunt informed the media the limited edition of 1,000 jeroboams supply of Tactical Nuclear Penguin would be sold for £30 each.

"This beer is about pushin’ the boundaries of the human metabolism - and takin’ innovation in beer to a whole new level. Really, this shit will bring the varnish off furniture – one of our best laxatives yet."

McScrunt added that a beer such as Tactical Nuclear Penguin should be drunk in "spirit sized measures – preferably from a thimble shot glass – or 20cc simply injected straight into any major artery for the ‘buzz of a lifetime" – and ‘a hangover to die for – or of'.

A disclaimer and warning on the label states: "This is an extremely strong beer; it should be relished in small measures and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance - in precisely the same manner that you’d enjoy a Jacuzzi with Carla Bruni following a couple of joints and a handful of Vi-shagra pills - or watching your bank manager and local MP getting burned at the stake."

However Jacko MacScally, of Alcohol Focus Scotland, described it as a "cynical marketing ploy", telling Fux News "We want to know why a brewer would produce a beer as strong as malt whisky – unless for purposes of terrorism."
"Fer Christ’s sake, beer’s not supposed to be inflammable or explode if yer spill it. Plus if yer don’t drink the whole damn bottle in a single sittin’ then it’ll go as flat as a witch’s tit.”

Regardless of criticism and opposition SpewDog's plans for a new headquarters and brewing facility to produce zillions of bottles of beer annually have been approved by Scumshire Council following the submission of petitions from the Glasgow chapter of the Noble Guild of Caber Tossers, and the influential St. Kilda-based ‘See You Jimmy’ Society.

The controversial brewery advised the Pisspots Review it already has plans to produce limited editions of a 45% proof Blood of Shergar brown ale, a 50% version of its successful 28% Numbskull lager, a 65% Christmas edition of Ye Olde Headbanger barley wine, and single shot bottles of their vaunted 90% Bitch Thumper strong stout.

Stop press / drop the dead donkey: Scottish brewery reported to have reached critical mass and exploded in a 20 megaton nuclear fireball - devastating the greater Twatborough area and causing almost thirty quid's worth of damage.

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