Military Wannabe in Dodgy Medals Scam

Police have now traced the mysterious bat-eared individual who was caught on CCTV cameras displaying a chest-full of military medals he was not entitled to wear during last month’s Armistice Sunday parade in London.

Organisers of the November parade to the City’s Cenotaph told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette they became suspicious of the man's array of seventeen medals, diverse military badges, rosettes, sashes and spurs.

Parade marshals questioned the man about his military service as one medal was for the 1898 Battle of Omdurman in the Sudan which obviously took place long before he was born, along with a Nazi Wehrmacht Iron Cross - with swastikas rampant.

The man then did a runner but was followed and tracked by Ghurkha veterans to Clarence House on Pall Mall, where he was later confronted by police officers - to whom he admitted that he was a complete impostor and currently taking medication as he suffered chronic delusions of grandeur and quite often got carried away with the notion that one day he would be King of England.

The man, known diversely to neighbours as both a ‘lonely old git’ and also ‘a funny twat what talks to plants’ – stated for the record that the medals had actually been given to him by a variety of ranking military figures and foreign Heads of State over the years – and further maintained he was not only a General in the British Army, but also an Air Force Squadron leader and a reserve Admiral in the Royal Navy – adding a humorous emphasis to the comment “They only call it Royal’ cos I’m in it.”

A Met’ police officer informed reporters from the tabloid gutter press that the man, believed to be in his 60’s and a reasonably harmless window-licker, was called Chaz Windsor but liked ‘common peasant’ types to refer to him as ‘Your Highness’ or ‘Prince Charles’.

General Sir Beauford Armitage-Shanks, a member of the National Poppycock Committee, told Fux News “I consider it personally offensive that wannabe’s and impostors can simply turn up at military parades wearing more medals than General Goering, to which they’re not entitled.”

”Here we are gathered to honour the dead of past wars and too our troops who are still fighting for their very lives simply to keep Afghanistan ‘British’ - and this armchair warrior veteran chappie seems to think he can wander around displaying shiny medals like some chav yobette's bling.”

However diligent research undertaken by a team of investigative journalists has uncovered the startling fact that the man in question might well be a member of the Royal Family and a direct relative of Her Majesty the Queen.

Charlie Windsor, aka the Prince of Wales, apparently recently turned 60, an occasion marked not only by getting a free travel pass, but also rising to four-star rank in each of the armed services – his honorary or ceremonial roles of being appointed a general in the Army, admiral in the Navy and air chief marshal in the RAF, further adding to the breast-full of medals he often wears with his various BD/SM fetish and military uniforms.

So, the unwashed ignorant peasantry might ask, what are his collection of thirty-one ‘dodgy’ decorations for?

Unlike his brother Prince Andrew, who actually earned the Battle of Sunninghill Park medal for wounds sustained in combat situations above and beyond the call of duty while fighting a rearguard divorce action against the Royal Lard Arse – the Princess Fergy - Prince Chazzer has never been decorated for active service in any theatre of human conflict – albeit he did once attempt to break up a rather nasty skirmish between a pack of corgi’s bent on ‘having’ a downed cassowary during a weekend Balmoral blood sports shootfest

Instead Chazzer’s honours are made up of awards for serving in a particular time or place, being a member of a high-ranking order or simply freebie gong give-aways from other Third World countries.

Starting with the bar of medals pinned to his left breast, he has the Old Queen's and Faggots Service Order, awarded for hiking through nettles in a kilt; the Gordonstoun Sodomy Achievement medal, awarded in 1959 after failing his 11-plus exam; the Commonwealth Silver Surfer medal, awarded in 1977; the Queen's Golden Goose medal, awarded in 2002; the Baron Rothshite Bum-Kissers Cross, awarded in 2002; the New Zionists False Flag commemorative medal, awarded after 9/11 in 2001, and the Israel First Genocide Star, awarded for supporting the festive season attacks on Gaza last Christmas.

Some, like the coronation and jubilee awards, mark the fact that he was present for these events and ceremonies – even though probably asleep or busy skulking down with MI6 agents and his father - Virus Phil - scheming to have wife, Lady Diana, murdered for shagging Muslim costermongers – so he could marry his childhood sweetheart Gorgonella.

Below the top rack rests the huge sliver star with the cross of St Sodom in the centre, which to the trained Bilderberger or Illuminati eye, shows he is a Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Crotchless Basque. This was awarded in 1958 when he was nominated as the Prince of Wales and became a Freemason (2nd Degree Stretched Sphincter).

Further, Chazzer is prominently the commanding officer of the ‘Queen’s Own Untouchables’ – so-called as they are invariably based in London and several hundred miles from any nasty and dangerous battle front.

Below are listed a portion of the controversial decorations Prince Chazzer was wearing at the November Armistice Sunday parade.

1: Order of the Royal Tosspots
2: The Marmite Gallantry Medal
3: Woolworths New Year Sales Campaign Star
4: Queen's Carnation Milk Award – with bar
5: Synagogue-Openers Endurance Order
6: Duke of Edinburgh Boredom Cross
7: Manky Mossad Genocide Star of David
8: New Zealand Kiwi-Bonkers Rosette
9: Knight of the Sexy Black Garter

Ex-22 SAS trooper turned best-selling pulp fiction author, Ghengis McTwat – who personally won the Victoria Cross for strangling Saddam Hussein’s Pit Bull terrier pack during Operation Desert What the Fuck in 2003, told the media “Don’t talk ter me about Charlie Windsor’s gong collection – he’s got more than old Idi Amin an’ that pillock Emperor Bokasa combined – an’ the most dangerous an’ life-threatening thing he’s ever done is get out of bed in a morning , take a crap and have to wipe his own arse.”