Council Targets ‘Lycra Lout’ Cyclists

Rogue cyclists who flout the law while riding haphazardly along the gilded byways of London are to be re-classified as ‘domestic terrorists’ and fined by Westminster Council under plans to crackdown on so-called “Lycra louts” – with rumours abounding that tussle-haired Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense tops the target list of ‘BMX Blackguards’.

It has not yet been decided how much the on-the-spot fines will be levied at, or how the council’s foot-dragging lard-arsed enforcers are supposed to catch and apprehend offending cyclists - but a figure of £100 has been proposed– a massive rise on the current £30 - which is now viewed as too lenient when every fucker and their dog carry several credit cards.

This is the first such scheme in the country where shit-for-brains council jobsworths with a smattering of English and next to sweet FA training will be handing out penalty notices to cyclists who are caught breaking such laws as riding on pavements to avoid getting side-swiped by taxis and crushed by the City’s ubiquitous bendy buses.

Under the plans PFI quango inspectors - normally recruited out of the ranks of recent escapees from Bellmarsh Immigration Prison - who already monitor licensing, noise and wheelie bin laws - will be handed further draconic powers to issue infringement notices against any cyclists they deem to be in breach of traffic regulations.

A recent survey undertaken by Westminster Council’s Department for Wasting Time & Money concluded that of the 30,000 cyclists who enter the City every day, well over half automatically break the ‘Highway Code’ by jumping lights, riding on pavements or ignoring ‘one-way’ signs.

Chlamydia Muffrot, chairman of Westminster’s scrutiny committee, told Pox News the proposals materialised after concerns were raised over the growing number of bike-riding bowler-hatted ‘City Gent’ scallies breaking traffic regulations that put other motorists and cyclists in danger.

“In addition we’re inundated with complaints from little old ladies who are knocked down and abused by cyclists - who simply leave them lying on the pavement for other bikers to ride over.”

“Not so!” declares Ghengis McTwat, High Priest of London’s ‘Cyclists from Hell’ chapter. “We do ride on the pavements, but solely to avoid getting’ crushed ter death in the congested traffic cos there ain’t no bike lanes.”
“But these old lady types are real bad-arses an’ poke their walkin’ sticks in the spokes of yer wheels ter throw yer off. One old twat hit me wiv her Zimmer frame last week.”

“Wot we need is bike lanes then we don’t ‘ave ter go on the pavements – an’ another thing – while that dumb twat Chlamydia and the effin’ council’s scrutiny committee is at it they need ter include the disabled three wheel scooters on their target list too."

"These old bags go hurtlin’ along the footpaths an’ through shoppin’ malls like a bat outa bleedin’ Hell - an’ stop fer no fucker.”
“So bollocks ter targetin’ just us bikers, get them down on the list of yer ‘domestic traffic terrorists’ too.”