Friday, 18 December 2009

Co-op Worker Mistakenly Paid £1.4 Million

A Smegmadale-on-Sea youth who alerted bosses when he was mistakenly paid £1.4 million quid extra on top of his salary has been rewarded with a six pack of Headbanger lager and a bag of pick n mix ‘Dentist’s Delight’ chewy caramels.

Baz Moron, who works at the Co-op supermarket’s distribution centre in Twathead, was alerted to the error in his December salary by a barslut at the Rabid Rat & Parrot pub when he tried to cash his paycheque.

Barmaid Candida Muffrot later told incredulous reporters from the Gift Horse Gazette and the Windfall Weekly “That pillock Bazzer comes in after work fer a pint and sez ’Can yer cash me paycheque?” – like he does every week an’ I goes ter the effin till an’ I looks an’ counts out ‘is usual coupla ‘undred quid then scratches me ‘ead like an’ gets me calculator goin’ an’ sees the till’s gonna be short by £1,399, 800.”

“So I sez ter Bazzer: ‘Ay ‘ave yer got a big pay raise or a bonus or worked a shitload of overtime or summat cos yer only earn £5:70 an hour?”

One unemployed manic depressive bean counter – sitting alone in the pub’s Pariah’s Corner and sipping on half a pint of Speckled Cormorant keg while building up Dutch courage to phone the Samaritans to arrange an assisted suicide pact - offered his expertise in creative accounting.

For the price of another half he postponed his planned auto-de-fe and deduced Moron had been paid £1.4 million for his usual 40 hour week, or £800,000 net after National Insurance and Income Tax deductions – putting him on a par with the Royal Bank of Scumland’s board of directors Christmas bonus payments - earned for making a right pig’s ear of the British economy.

The Co-op’s PR spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gamm informed Pox News "Due to a minor error by our wages department, Barry Moron, a shelf stacker at our Twathead regional distribution depot, received a weekly paycheque of £1.4 million nicker – which after deductions came to around £800,000.”

Mr. Moron, who pursued his vocational training at the Twathead Centre for the Educationally Sub-Normal as a trainee window licker, has worked for the Co-op since attaining his NVQ 1 Advanced Cardboard Box Handling qualification in 2007.

After being informed of his overpayment at the pub, Moron dutifully returned the paycheque to his employer who rewarded him with a free six pack of lager and a bag of caramels.

Co-op manager Frank McGrott told reporters “Bazzer’s a good lad. I gave him a job here cos I knew his father, Baz’ Senior – and young Bazzer’s just like him - an’ all the rest of the Moron family – another right thick cunt.”

Questioned by the media as to why he returned the overpayment and didn’t fly off into the sunset on the first available plane, Bazzer explained “Well, I ‘ad to really cos they said I wouldn’t get me free Christmas cake bonus if I kept the money.”

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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