Sunday, 13 December 2009

Greedy Grocer Set on Cultural Vandalism

A 95-year old Grandmother has answered the clarion of moral conscience’s call and is spearheading the campaign against a proposed supermarket being built atop the listed buildings of a historic English market town.

Fellatia Skank spit the proverbial dummy when informed of plans to build one of the ubiquitous Pukesbury’s Greedy Grocer supermarket outlets on the "historic" Scabbey Mill site, at Bishops Wankingham, near Scruntchester.

Mrs Skank has lived in the town since the Crimea War and even stumped up cash out of her meagre pension to print protest T-shirts with ‘Eff’ Off Yer Scally Twats’ on the front side and ‘Pukesbury’s Sux’ on the reverse.

Conversely Pukesbury's PR spokesperson Candida Twatrot told one reporter from the Mamon Gazette there was a large positive response to a consultation and up to 3 local job opportunities could be created from the ranks of the indigenous peasantry.

The profit-motivated giant costermonger chain - which has yet to complete its bribery schedule to guarantee planning permission being granted - claims the proposed design of the store will be "appropriate" to the town's historic character (fluorescent lights and stone floors) and the focus will be on "fresh food shopping’ – with produce imported daily from Pukesbury’s industrialised farms in the northern Ukraine.

Granny Skank, a village youth leader for 75 years, told Fux News she was not against change - and had no problems really with that nice Mr. Darwin and his odd ideas concerning God and Evolution - but was protesting at plans to build a concrete, steel and glass superstore in an area bequeathed by Gothic architects with sandstone and red clay, blue granites and slate.

"Bishops Wankingham isn't just any poxy old village, its got history going back to the last Ice Age - with the beautiful Bishop’s Palace and Museum and a lake which was made as a pond to supply the Episcopate’s kitchens with wildfowl and fish.

Ms. Twatrot, PR mouthpiece for Pukesbury's, claims the proposed super-store would "regenerate" the former grubby Bishop’s Palace and museum site once it was demolished and asphalted over.
She added: "Pukesbury's is keen to open a new store in Bishops Wankingham and put all these crappy little local vendors out of business.”

“I mean, who in their right mind in the 21st Century wants to go wandering around a street-full of shops all selling different traditional wares when you can stroll around our supermarket with a nice squeaky trolley and find everything – apart from character – at a convenient reach – and earn Nectar loyalty points too.”

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