Boy Scout Founder Had No VBS Clearance

The iconic and stalward founder of the Scouts, Lord Robert Baden-Powell, in his deceased absence, stands accused of perhaps being a ‘dodgy deviant’ who formed an entire Boy Scout movement in 1907 without ever obtaining a ‘Vetting and Barring Scheme’ police clearance to confirm that he was not a raving paedo’ kiddie fiddler - and thus fit to work with children.

Legal beagle litigators bent on profit - along with academic critics of General Baden-Powell’s military actions during the formation of Britain’s Empire foothold in the Dark Continent in the 1890’s - have been quick to establish a wholly homophobic slant to their stricture and point out he was the type of person who preferred the company of other men - and while being married to a ‘female of the species’ - spent all his spare time with ‘boys’.

Baden-Powell, who will forever be associated with the scouting movement which he founded, today – 68 years after his death – stands wrongfully accused of ordering the summary execution for armed revolt - of one Bolshie native tribal chieftain – Cletus O’Dinga Jaffacake - against the orders of his superiors while serving in Africa with the British Army in 1896.

His critics claim B-P even altered official field campaign diary entries to reflect his version of the story - claiming that Chief Jaffacake, the leader of the Bingo-Bongo tribe in Matabeleland - now the People’s Marxist Utopia of Zimbabwe - was captured in battle, rather than surrendering.

However records of the Matabeleland campaign in both the Colonial Office and War Ministry archives reveal that Chief Jaffacake was a blood-thirsty despot of the Bugandan King Mutesa’s ilk who had led an uprising in which more than 300 British settlers were killed simply because they had borrowed a few thousand hectares of the black bloke’s land.

Cletus Jaffacake claimed to have magical powers which protected him from gunfire – powers which were obviously well past their sell-by date when he was put to death by firing squad following his capture.

Confounded in their attempts to besmear and denigrate Baden-Powell’s meritorious character for ordering Jaffacake’s unlawful execution in 1896 and thus failing to win massive financial compensation for their plaintiff Zimbabwe-based Mugabe family clients, the London law firm of Crater-Phuck have now turned to a vengeful campaign of attrition, laying seige to B-P’s memory across the breadth of the tabloid gutter press with accusations he was a very suspect pederast due his personal involvement with the genesis of the Boy Scout movement.

Conversely, critics of the critics have since drawn attention to the fact that the Vetting and Barring Scheme (VBS) - which is still being bureaucratically tailored to suit purpose and scrutinise those working with children on a regular basis – was not around in 1907 when B-P founded the Scouting movement – when, in those halcyon days of yesteryear – things were all done on ‘trust’.

Regardless of the acrid scents of caution and dread now permeating every facet of public life where children’s welfare is concerned no decision has yet been announced as to whether the new statutory ‘Vetting and Barring Scheme’ will be enforced on the Vatican’s ordained sodomite brigade of ‘paedo’ priests’ prior to them getting deployed around British churches and ‘involved’ with choirboys.

Internet rumours that Santa Claus will not be doing his annual Xmas Eve rounds in the UK this year after refusing to have his character scrutinized under the Independent Safeguarding Authority’s new Vetting and Barring Scheme have been blamed on radical Islamic juvenile hackers from the Midlands Muslim community intent on vandalising the core spirit of the festive season for Christian children.

According to one heathen Jolly Jihadi website, the 'Santa’s a Paedo’ rumours were posted because "We hate your Democratic freedoms".