Sunday, 13 December 2009

Crematorium Imposes Fatties Ban

The relatives of a 40-stone (254 kg) man from Scumerset informed a reporter for the Mass Graves Gazette that the undertaker had advised them the deceased’s body was too heavy for cremation.

Frank McGrunt, a 95-year old former meat pie taster with Gluttons Gourmet Foods, was pronounced DOA at Scumborough General Hospital last Tuesday afternoon following an attack of terminal flatulence which caused his colon to detonate through spontaneous combustion.

His funeral service at the Jolly Arsonist Crematorium was cancelled when staff determined Mr McGrunt's body was too fat for their standard human size gas oven.

Crematorium manager Ghengis Ratstamper told Fux News “I suppose we could squeeze him in at a pinch – or chop him up in pieces – but the problem will be all that effin’ lard that’s gonna start bubblin’ away an’ runnin’ off his porky guts when we turn the heat up – plus the volatile methane trapped in his bowels.”
“The effin’ oven’s gonna overheat an’ cause an explosion. This equipment’s meant for dead people, not two-legged hippopotamuses.”

“We had one alcoholic here fer cremation last year an’ his liver was so saturated in booze it went up like a satchel charge of C4 an’ blew the oven door off. Now we have to do a risk assessment fer those nosy gits at the Health an’ Safety Executive office every time we get a dodgy looking corpse fer toasting.”

“What yer need is one of them there Auschwitz-Birkenau type concentration camp gas ovens like what the Nazi used. Yer can dump a dozen bodies in one of them at a time an’ turn the lot to ash an’ soot an’ axle grease before yer can say Happy Holocaust or Bye-Bye Rabbi.”

Mr McGrunt’s family revealed the manager at the council-run cemetery had told them the only option would be a burial – advising them to get in touch with his brother who owned a mechanical back hoe and would dig them an oversized ‘fatties’ grave at the local cemetery for a competitive cash-in-hand discount rate – and throw an elasticized cardboard ‘stretch’ coffin in with the deal for an extra £50.

Nephew Wilf McGrunt added “We were considering the option of a burial at sea to get around complications and save on costs but the Harbour Master and the Coast Guard have turned us down as they reckon dumping Uncle Frank’s body on the sea bed will constitute a hazard to shipping.”

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