Friday, 11 December 2009

UK Army Vet’s Give Broon the Finger

UK Slime Minister Gordon Broon today announced and welcomed the Army’s 1,000th recruit of the year – sixteen-year-old Private Angus Munt from Glasgow’s Pikey Park Sink or Swim Council Estate.

Conversely the winner of the ‘First Century’ Squaddies-in-Bodybags competition - with the death of the 100th British soldier to ‘cop his’ and get snuffed by Taliban Dan and his gang of Jihadi scallies in Afghanistan – went unannounced.

Pte. Munt spoke to the Warmongers Gazette about what made him want to join the forces, when so many troops were getting murdered and committing ritual suicide while undergoing basic training at Deepcut Barracks in the UK - never mind being snuffed by nasty Muslim rebels in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province.

“I volunteered like so I had somewhere ter sleep an’ three meals a day ter get me teeth around - plus all that free foreign travel where yer get ter see lots of interestin’ places and meet all kinds of people – then blow up their homes an’ kill ‘em.”

“Yer know, I can be on the streets of Glasgow fer years peddlin’ drugs an’ muggin’ wrinklies fer their pension money an’ never be able ter afford a real gun. But as soon as I report fer me basic trainin’ they gives me an SA80 automatic rifle an’ a mob of grenades an’ a bayonet – that’s what yer call job attraction.”

Apparently, when quizzed by media hacks in the pub and fed free beer, Pte. Munt claimed total ignorance when informed the definition of a ‘volunteer was someone who had totally misunderstood the question put to them’.

Conversely not all British Army ‘volunteers’ are as effervescent and buoyant as young Munt when it comes to opinions of the government of the day committing them to the Afghan theatre of operations as part of the Coalition of the Willing.

In fact what can only be described as ‘a toxic atmosphere of rage’ enveloped one medical facility recently when PM Broon made a ‘lightning’ visit to ‘cheer up’ a group of severely injured British veterans in a rat-infested Kabul military installation passing off as a ‘hospital’.

The soldiers had drawn the curtains around their beds and deliberately avoided the PM as he mooched through the wards looking for a friendly smile and a few hands to shake amongst the mutilated amputee veterans – instead being greeted by a wall of ostracising silence and a crop of ‘Piss Off Cyclops’ t-shirts.

According to one triage medic who spoke to Pox News on conditions of anonymity (Nurse Sapphie Dildodo) the veterans had described Brown's September 2nd visit as “opportunistic” and a “waste of time- and ‘Labour could kiss their shrapnel-peppered arses.”

The soldiers, who have sustained some of the worst injuries seen in Afghanistan, 90% of which were caused by friendly fire from US Predator drones – with the remaining 10% possibly attributable to the Taliban - were reportedly furious about equipment shortages and poor compensation for their injuries.

Sgt. Ghengis McTwat of the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment told a reporter from Fux News “Meself, I volunteered cos of that effin’ advert on the telly where all yer do is sit on yer arse out in Malta learnin’ ter water ski and chat up local pussy.”

“When I took the Queen’s shillin’ no cunt ever mentioned goin’ ter Iraq or this Afghan shithole an’ gettin’ shot at an’ then ‘avin’ yer effin’ leg blown off by a land mine – now I’ve got one boot too many.”

“No shit - they need ter get the HSE over ‘ere cos these effin’ things are dangerous – it’s like one of them effin’ war zone games yer play at ‘ome on X-Box – an’ these Taliban blokes really don’t like us bein’ ‘ere in their country.”

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